Tuesday, 16 February 2021

Let’s get real |

Hello my love,

Come in in, get cosy and breathe. Now life lately had felt a little *screams internally* chaotic. I feel like I’m juggling a lot of different plates trying to get a grasp on my life, trying to sort out my future when Charlie lives in another house is slightly *says with gritted teeth* hard. There’s a few little avenues we’ve got to explore but I live in hope that this year will be the year we finally get our own place. It’s amazing how many bumps in the road there have been but it’s all good. 

Life update, not that I ever update you on it anyway but ho hum. For the last two ish years I’ve been on the pill, the simple reason being.....my cycle was fuckkked and I just wanted to get a grip on that and it was all fine. This year however I noticed bleeding while I was on it (nothing serious, I’ve been and checked) so I thought it was time to give my body a rest. I’ve actually noticed my erratic behaviour has calmed down a little so while my head can fill so full sometimes, I feel like I’ve got a better grasp on it all and I will always have days where I fly off the handle but I feel like I’m reclaiming control again which is quite refreshing.

Exercise has been friend lately, never thought I’d say that but here I am. I’ve been trying to get fitter since January 11th and I’m doing well, granted there are days where I could snuffle all the food but I’m allowing myself a treat day (mainly Charlie brings me homemade pizza’s  {2 meters distance Obvs} which taste exquisite). I’ve found that I’m doing my exercise bike a lot and I’ve found really good hiit workouts. I’m obsessed with them because one, they have fab Disney ones but they’re just a lot of fun and there’s no planks which my body is thankful For. 

I just feel more refreshed, a bit more me and as hard as this lockdown is, I know it’s gonna be worth it for the day I can get back to my little avertnures with Charlie. We’ve already mapped out a few little things we want to do, mundane little things but I can’t wait. I’m realising that life is taking a different direction than I first planned but while it’s scaring me, it’s exciting me as well. There’s so much of the world for me and Charlie to explore, so many memories we’ve yet to make and I am desperate for the day when I can just be back with him. 

Now while things start to look up there’s always that little rain cloud that follows me, lately I feel like I’m just a couple of steps ahead of it, alas I know it’s always there ready to rain. I did me knee in a few weeks ago and that’s still play me up, so basically long days on my feet’s are a killer. Today I was up and down like a yo-yo stacking shelves and Jesus I needed to rest when I got home. My backs and ribs constantly hurt and the psysical and mental toll on my body right now is getting a lot. It’s the type of thing that I know I can deal with, just feels harder when like today....my morning was okay and then one comment about my work and that’s it. My day went spiralled from there, the feeling like I’m not good enough at a job I know so well has taken it’s toll recently. When I normally get like this, I come home shut myself away and cry, those days I always fall asleep from exhaustion and wake up with Charlie’s arm around me. Life right now means that can’t happen and that’s the only thing I need. 

The need for lockdown to end for me, isn’t to get to the pub, the restaurants, the shops and holidays. It’s to be able to get that mental support that I’m lacking right now. But it’s all okay, I’m okay. I can cope (yeah I don’t believe it either). Theres too many spinning plates for me to admit that I’m not 100%. I can’t always be the one who cries that they need help when I’ve got to power through. I just wish I could power through with Charlie by my side. For one moment this week the world stood still, there wasn’t a pandemic and I had a moment of pure bliss. I’m not going to share that because for me, my world felt a bit more complete and I wanted to stay in that moment for ever.

One thing that did happen this week which made myself and Chalrie really happy, stupid really but you should know now. We are NOT expecting a baby but for the last two years we’ve been collecting little bits and pieces that one day we will want for our Nino. A little white elephant and white rabbit snuggly toy were added to the collection (he knew I’d need them), granted when we have babies if they’re like their dad they’ll spill everything down them. Some people think it’s strange we’ve already started buying bits, for me though. It’s been dream since I was a kid playing with my baby dolls. Charlie was adamant we needed them so they’re not safely tucked away for the day we finally are able to have our own little Nino. 

My life’s jsut ok hold right now, well pretty much everyone’s is and I’m not coping. I can’t say that so that’s just for us lot here. Here’s to the people who can’t cope, but are facing each and every single day with a little smile and everything they have to hold back the tears. It’s gonna get better, it’s got too. The only thing getting me through right now if the though of Charlie’s arms wrapped so right around me, the forehead kiss when I’m sad and the idea of our little Nino’s. I believe we can all do this, the bumps in the road are just feeling like it’s not going to improve. You do what you need to do for your own mental health. Be safe about it but I know jsut how hard it is, just know this little space is for you to. You need advice or just a chat. I’m here. 

Anyhoo, I need a mental health break today, and maybe tomorrow and maybe the next day. I’m not coping but shhhh, that’s just between us. Just breathe, the world will get better and so will we, we just need time.

Love and big covid safe cyber hugs to you all.....

Chloe x

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