Tuesday, 16 February 2021

Let’s get real |

Hello my love,

Come in in, get cosy and breathe. Now life lately had felt a little *screams internally* chaotic. I feel like I’m juggling a lot of different plates trying to get a grasp on my life, trying to sort out my future when Charlie lives in another house is slightly *says with gritted teeth* hard. There’s a few little avenues we’ve got to explore but I live in hope that this year will be the year we finally get our own place. It’s amazing how many bumps in the road there have been but it’s all good. 

Life update, not that I ever update you on it anyway but ho hum. For the last two ish years I’ve been on the pill, the simple reason being.....my cycle was fuckkked and I just wanted to get a grip on that and it was all fine. This year however I noticed bleeding while I was on it (nothing serious, I’ve been and checked) so I thought it was time to give my body a rest. I’ve actually noticed my erratic behaviour has calmed down a little so while my head can fill so full sometimes, I feel like I’ve got a better grasp on it all and I will always have days where I fly off the handle but I feel like I’m reclaiming control again which is quite refreshing.

Exercise has been friend lately, never thought I’d say that but here I am. I’ve been trying to get fitter since January 11th and I’m doing well, granted there are days where I could snuffle all the food but I’m allowing myself a treat day (mainly Charlie brings me homemade pizza’s  {2 meters distance Obvs} which taste exquisite). I’ve found that I’m doing my exercise bike a lot and I’ve found really good hiit workouts. I’m obsessed with them because one, they have fab Disney ones but they’re just a lot of fun and there’s no planks which my body is thankful For. 

I just feel more refreshed, a bit more me and as hard as this lockdown is, I know it’s gonna be worth it for the day I can get back to my little avertnures with Charlie. We’ve already mapped out a few little things we want to do, mundane little things but I can’t wait. I’m realising that life is taking a different direction than I first planned but while it’s scaring me, it’s exciting me as well. There’s so much of the world for me and Charlie to explore, so many memories we’ve yet to make and I am desperate for the day when I can just be back with him. 

Now while things start to look up there’s always that little rain cloud that follows me, lately I feel like I’m just a couple of steps ahead of it, alas I know it’s always there ready to rain. I did me knee in a few weeks ago and that’s still play me up, so basically long days on my feet’s are a killer. Today I was up and down like a yo-yo stacking shelves and Jesus I needed to rest when I got home. My backs and ribs constantly hurt and the psysical and mental toll on my body right now is getting a lot. It’s the type of thing that I know I can deal with, just feels harder when like today....my morning was okay and then one comment about my work and that’s it. My day went spiralled from there, the feeling like I’m not good enough at a job I know so well has taken it’s toll recently. When I normally get like this, I come home shut myself away and cry, those days I always fall asleep from exhaustion and wake up with Charlie’s arm around me. Life right now means that can’t happen and that’s the only thing I need. 

The need for lockdown to end for me, isn’t to get to the pub, the restaurants, the shops and holidays. It’s to be able to get that mental support that I’m lacking right now. But it’s all okay, I’m okay. I can cope (yeah I don’t believe it either). Theres too many spinning plates for me to admit that I’m not 100%. I can’t always be the one who cries that they need help when I’ve got to power through. I just wish I could power through with Charlie by my side. For one moment this week the world stood still, there wasn’t a pandemic and I had a moment of pure bliss. I’m not going to share that because for me, my world felt a bit more complete and I wanted to stay in that moment for ever.

One thing that did happen this week which made myself and Chalrie really happy, stupid really but you should know now. We are NOT expecting a baby but for the last two years we’ve been collecting little bits and pieces that one day we will want for our Nino. A little white elephant and white rabbit snuggly toy were added to the collection (he knew I’d need them), granted when we have babies if they’re like their dad they’ll spill everything down them. Some people think it’s strange we’ve already started buying bits, for me though. It’s been dream since I was a kid playing with my baby dolls. Charlie was adamant we needed them so they’re not safely tucked away for the day we finally are able to have our own little Nino. 

My life’s jsut ok hold right now, well pretty much everyone’s is and I’m not coping. I can’t say that so that’s just for us lot here. Here’s to the people who can’t cope, but are facing each and every single day with a little smile and everything they have to hold back the tears. It’s gonna get better, it’s got too. The only thing getting me through right now if the though of Charlie’s arms wrapped so right around me, the forehead kiss when I’m sad and the idea of our little Nino’s. I believe we can all do this, the bumps in the road are just feeling like it’s not going to improve. You do what you need to do for your own mental health. Be safe about it but I know jsut how hard it is, just know this little space is for you to. You need advice or just a chat. I’m here. 

Anyhoo, I need a mental health break today, and maybe tomorrow and maybe the next day. I’m not coping but shhhh, that’s just between us. Just breathe, the world will get better and so will we, we just need time.

Love and big covid safe cyber hugs to you all.....

Chloe x

Sunday, 24 January 2021

My Brain To Yours |

Hello my loves, 

This week I’ve had a break from work and I was planing on bulk writing loads of posts. Truth the told, I’ve focused more on me, done some decorating and had a mini meltdown. Right now it feels like I’m just stuck, no where to go and everything just feels like it’s all going wrong.

I’ve spent all of today having a meltdown worrying I’m not enough, I’m too fat, too ugly and that I’m not going anywhere with my life and that’s a really shitty feeling. Normally when I feel like this is see Charlie, cry into his chest for a while whilst he cuddles, pop on a film and I feel more myself and happy. I’m still stuck apart from him and I can’t even have a hug. I know being apart is helping the pandemic but it’s not helping my mental state and I think that’s something we’re all struggling with.

All I need today is a slice of my normal life back. I need the cuddle, I need the cosy film in bed and I need to feel like I’m worth something again. I can’t explain what’s going on in my head but it hurts. It’s a feeling of self loathing, a feeling of helplessness and I’m struggling. Typical me is just pushing everyone away, shutting them out because when I’m in self destruct mode I go down hill very quickly. 

How are you all coping during lockdown? It is a thing of we tell everyone we’re fine, masking the truth because let’s face it. No ones really fine right now. We’re all just bumbling along trying to pretend like following the restrictions is helping, when yes it’s helping the pandemic but what about the effects after. What about the people that can’t cope with these feelings, the people that are pushing down the feelings because they’d be so judged for wanting to break the rules jsut for one cuddle, for one kiss from the person they love, for one moment to be somewhere they feel safe. Yes it’s wrong to actually act on it and no I am not going to break the rules but from one person who’s not coping to another, I get it. I understand and I’m here. For everyone feeling like this is never going to end, we can only hope that soon our lives get back to normal. That we can have that support network again because right now. Well right now I’m finding it so hard to get through the days, nothing exciting to look forward to and it’s destroying me currently.

I’m not sure what the point of this was. My brain needed to just talk. Something I feel like I should jsut stop doing around people I know, I know it’s not fair to let them in on my brain. I need to not be a worry but guys, I just want my normal back. I want that safe feeling again and lord knows when we’re all going to get that.

Stay safe,

Chloe x

Wednesday, 13 January 2021

Calming My Brain |

Hello my loves,

I will be the first to admit that I find it hard to cope about 40% of the time. There is nothing wrong with that and anyone that makes you feel like you are strange for that, my love.....you don't need them around. We all have days where it all overwhelms us. For me it can be something like my routine being changed, something going wrong in my day or even just waking up feeling a little lost. And just a heads up for anyone that knows me, mainly based at Charlie, if you don't know what I need sometimes most of these things will do.

Now more than ever I find that the anxiety in my brain is taking over a little bit more than it did. I think that in a global pandemic it is becoming a more normal thing for people and I hope that everyone is gaining a better understanding of mental health. I will say now that everyone is different and how I calm my brain on a stressful day could be no help to you, but it could also be just what you need. I think when trying to work out a little routine for how to calm your brain you need to just find something you love, some music you find soothing (For me I find a nice power ballad for some reason). Just take some time out of the world for moment and just remember that you need to take care of yourself.

Bubble Baths |

No this can be a bath or a shower but for me, nothing beats sinking into a bubble bath and popping on a face mask. I'm not one who loves all the potions and lotions after a bath but I find that just taking that hour for me just help me unwind. When I write this I just got out of a lovely bath, popped a hair mask on and just felt so much better for just pampering myself.

Candles |

I do love ram raiding the candle section at homesense for the little gems they have. My go to scents are vanillas, pumpkins and caramels as I feel like they are subtle enough to just lightly fragrance any room. I currently have a pumpkin rum scent burning and it is just delightful. I also find the flicker of the flame so calming and that may make me sound a little strange, but watching a flame lightly flicker just makes my heart happy and my soul content.

Music |

I find music is like therapy for me, I'm fortunate enough that I have been exposed to some of the most incredible musicians growing up. These include Keane, fleetwood mac, queen and so many more. Theres moment I love so much, like when me and my mum are at home and we put on a bit of Kate bush. We do love twirling around the lounge like fairy elephants. When I just want some me time I have a play list on Spotify of loads of acoustic songs. I find acoustic versions just really calm my brain.

Call a friend |

Call or text, either will do. Sometimes all I need is to immerse myself into chummy for a bit. She has a way of calming my brain like no other and I find that just a few texts just helps my brain unwind a lot. Granted, we can have our little spats but I honestly hate it if we don't speak. My brain needs a small dose of her a day to keep me sane.

Do what you love |

I lost my love for blogging a couple of years ago which is such a shame. Thankfully I got that back and I must say, throwing myself back into it has made me so happy. I could spend a whole day typing away on my keyboard and feel like no time has passed. I think you need to find something you love because it really helps. Even if just for a little while it can really help re-focus the mind. 

Now I know that this may not have helped anyone  but if it did then I'm so glad. I think when trying to calm your brain, just take it one step at a time. Just try and find something that just stops the commotion in your mind for a little bit. Its taken me years to try and find what works for me. Even if its just a chat you want then please drop me an email at professionaldaydreamerx@gmail.com

Stay safe,

Chloe x

Saturday, 9 January 2021

A Long Time Ago |

 Hello my loves, 

It dawned on me last night that this April I would have been dipping in and out of blogging for 7 Years of my life. Oh how I've changed in those years. I used to share EVERYTHING on here and maybe I was a little naive to do so but at the time, it was the only place I could feel like I had a voice.

Im saying that like in 2021 I have a voice. I still will never shout the loudest but I feel like who I am is more out there for people to see. This is still a little slice of myself that I only really let two people see. Chummy and Charlie are pretty much the only ones who know of this section of my life, I don't think Charlie shows any interest in this but he's a boy. I so desperately want to throw myself into this more but its that fine line of sharing too much and being myself that Im finding hard. I either shy away or thrown myself into things whole heartedly and I will never be any different.

A part of me wants to use this year to thrive and take this back to what it used to be, I was so happy when this was just mine and I want that again. In a world full of uncertainty I want that little bit of control back. Which is is no way a bad thing right now when all control is taken away from us. Theres things I want to do and part of my life I want to share, thats only because I know that Im scared. I have made mistakes via the internet, Haven't we all. We have all made little mistakes that could one day come back to haunt us but who the fuck cares anymore. I am getting to a stage in my life when Im happy with everyone in it, I've done the weeding and Im finally happy. I used to thrive in this space and I want that once more. 

Now there won't be much activity of the adventures I get up to this year, mainly because unless you want to see what I do when i potter around the house there is simply no point. Until we are out of lockdown theres not many places i can go and show you and I think i need to use that time to work out what will be going on here.

I think we are all just a little bit broken right now and I for one, I don't want to have that consume me anymore. I want to get back to what I love and have a little slice of who I am back. I plan on spending my day planning out my content and trying to get back to what I love. I have no control over most aspects of life right now so time to grab onto what I love and run (Well fast waddle) with it.

Stay safe,

Chloe x

Thursday, 7 January 2021

Lockdown & Relationships

Hello my loves,

Now here in the UK we have just been placed in the third national lockdown of the pandemic. Whilst I understand the need for us to stay at home and not mix households, it’s a bugger if you live away from your partner. Now I’m aware it’s so hard being apart from anyone, I’m missing my family like mad but I’m finding it tough being apart from Charlie and I just wanted to do a little post about how we’re coping during this lockdown. Now any couples living apart, I would love to hear what you do to try and keep the spark alive via zoom calls and a two metre distance. 

I’m also aware that no one really reads this anymore, I’m just using this space to just feel a little more me and express my thoughts in a time where I’m finding it all a bit tough. Now I know I can go on, but being the person I am. My brain needs routine to function properly, I can’t explain it but for me, having a routine in place just keeps me calm and considering Charlie is normally a massive part of my daily routine, it’s safe to say that the mental health has taken a hit.

So this picture has a few things from Charlie that I have needed to get through these lockdowns. A jumper, a very small thing that shouldn’t mean as much but where it smells like him I will happily admitted that I cost up with that of a night and it keeps me feeling close to him. The ring, not an engagement ring (even though I’m overdue 😂), my promise ring is on me pretty much 24/7 and it’s become a small comfort lately. Granted it’s missing a stone and needs fixing but it holds a very special moment that only myself and Charlie know about. My hippo, well Charlie’s hippo. It was a little gift we got for our future babies when we were in Disney world. No! I’m not pregnant but we saw it and fell in love, it’s just become a nice little remainder of all the happiness we have to come and I wouldn’t be without this hippo.  

FaceTime dates |
I know full well that nothing beats coming home after a long day to cuddle up with your partner. It just feels different, like you’re part of a little team and I for one am missing cuddling up with Charlie, watching a film while I drift off to sleep. But saying that, we have to make the most of a bad situation. Me and Charlie are well past the dating stage by now but we’ve been trying to watch films or programmes on FaceTime together. This doesn’t always work as we both have pretty shit internet and we never quite sync up. 

Care packages |
Having a little package of home comforts will always be nice. I found that getting given one of Charlie’s pillows from our bed helped me feel so much closer to him. Sweet treats galore are normally involved and I must say, I like having a little snack that he puts in. It’s normally cookies or my favourite ice cream. A hand written note is a must. In a world full of texts and calls I think it’s so nice to have a something hand written, I for one love keeping all Charlie’s little notes to me and looking back over them when I’m feeling a little low. 

A walk |
Here in the UK we are only allowed out for food, medicine and exercise but we are allowed to meet one person form another household on our exercise provided we are two metres apart. So me and Charlie will be getting the exercise gear on ready for a sprint from the police on our walks 😂. I joke, it is perfectly legal for us to go on a walk provided we are two metres apart. Now considering we don’t really like exercise, if this is the only way we can get a physical glimpse of the other we will do whatever it takes. 

A place of our own |
Now a place of our own is something we are desperate to get. While his parents have been so amazing through all this we just need our own space to be together. Now mine have been great to but his parents see a lot more of our relationship and I think they understand just how difficult it is for us to be apart. We are in the process of looking now but places get snapped up so quickly so that’s a little disheartening at times.

Now I know nothing compares to having your other half with you and I guess we just need to get through this next few months. If you’re struggling then please don’t hesitate to get in touch and I’m more than happy to talk or even just listen at professionaldaydreamerx@gmail.com. Please try and stay positive because I know jsut how hard it is and I understand there are days you are just going to sob that you can’t go and just have a cuddle but we can do this. 

Stay safe,
Chloe x