Sunday, 24 January 2021

My Brain To Yours |

Hello my loves, 

This week I’ve had a break from work and I was planing on bulk writing loads of posts. Truth the told, I’ve focused more on me, done some decorating and had a mini meltdown. Right now it feels like I’m just stuck, no where to go and everything just feels like it’s all going wrong.

I’ve spent all of today having a meltdown worrying I’m not enough, I’m too fat, too ugly and that I’m not going anywhere with my life and that’s a really shitty feeling. Normally when I feel like this is see Charlie, cry into his chest for a while whilst he cuddles, pop on a film and I feel more myself and happy. I’m still stuck apart from him and I can’t even have a hug. I know being apart is helping the pandemic but it’s not helping my mental state and I think that’s something we’re all struggling with.

All I need today is a slice of my normal life back. I need the cuddle, I need the cosy film in bed and I need to feel like I’m worth something again. I can’t explain what’s going on in my head but it hurts. It’s a feeling of self loathing, a feeling of helplessness and I’m struggling. Typical me is just pushing everyone away, shutting them out because when I’m in self destruct mode I go down hill very quickly. 

How are you all coping during lockdown? It is a thing of we tell everyone we’re fine, masking the truth because let’s face it. No ones really fine right now. We’re all just bumbling along trying to pretend like following the restrictions is helping, when yes it’s helping the pandemic but what about the effects after. What about the people that can’t cope with these feelings, the people that are pushing down the feelings because they’d be so judged for wanting to break the rules jsut for one cuddle, for one kiss from the person they love, for one moment to be somewhere they feel safe. Yes it’s wrong to actually act on it and no I am not going to break the rules but from one person who’s not coping to another, I get it. I understand and I’m here. For everyone feeling like this is never going to end, we can only hope that soon our lives get back to normal. That we can have that support network again because right now. Well right now I’m finding it so hard to get through the days, nothing exciting to look forward to and it’s destroying me currently.

I’m not sure what the point of this was. My brain needed to just talk. Something I feel like I should jsut stop doing around people I know, I know it’s not fair to let them in on my brain. I need to not be a worry but guys, I just want my normal back. I want that safe feeling again and lord knows when we’re all going to get that.

Stay safe,

Chloe x

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