Tuesday, 17 September 2019

Insecurities |

Hello again,
Yes I am fully aware that it has been a very long time since we last spoke. I would say so much has changed, it hasn't. I'm still with Charlie, works still just as mind numbing as ever, pretty much everything has stayed the same. One thing that has changed though is that my one and only, my soul mate, my partner in crime finally set a date for her wedding and I am verrrrry please to say she asked me to be her maid of honour. We have a cracking chummy trip to Disneyland planned for a chummy hen so I may be filming that.

There's no point jumping back in and just going in the shallow end. I wanted to get straight back to it. Today I want to talk about insecurities and how lately I'm finding it really difficult to handle them. This post may not go up yet, I want to run it past a few people first but with any luck. This will be appearing on your screens.

I have never been one to brush things off easily, some see it as a blessing and others a curse. Chummy says it's a good thing I care and that I have come an awful long way from what I used to be like. Lately though the insecurities have been creeping into my brain and I have been finding it so hard. Here is a little list of just some of the things that have been floating around my brain, they just cling on and I cant shake them.

I'm worried Charlie will end things because of how I cant control my erratic brain sometimes.

I'm worried I won't ever compare to his ex, which is stupid because he tells me all the time how much he loves me and we're planning to have kids.

I'm worried that when it comes to me having children I won't be able to actually take full maternity because I won;t be able to afford to.

If people read my texts and don't reply but I see them active on things like Facebook, I worry they are avoiding me and don't want to be with me or know me. Stupid I know. 

If people are late my mind goes into over drive. Chummy knows this and she always gets somewhere like ten minutes early just to put my mind at rest. Everyone else thinks time keeping doesn't matter but it really stresses me out. I then wonder where they are and what they are up to and it drives me crazy.

I hate the way I look. I got to a point with my body where I was like no I am happy with this curvy woman I see in the mirror. Before Charlie, there was one male encounter I had where it was pretty much you are far to weird, emotional and fat for anyone to love. 

This last insecurity has shattered me. I know it shouldn't matter now but my brain will never feel good enough. I know Charlie loves every part of me, even the bad bits. He looks at me like I'm beautiful, he looks at my body like it's perfect and I love that but sometimes my brain still thinks of a comment from someone who made me feel so horrid about myself.

I really worry charlie says he wants our future but in my head I think he only says it to make me happy. We plan on moving out by next summer. Something I really hope is still a plan of action because I think we need it now. 

My whole life just seems to be ruled by my mind taking over. My heart knows I am loved. It's the toxic words that still stick in my head and make me feel so unsure of everything sometimes. I don't think everyone understands how I am. I don't think they have the patients to if I'm honest. Charlie and Chummy understand, I mean chummy's been around for every single breakdown so she's seen a tad more than charlie. 

I know how I am will drive people away but this is part of me that wont get better until people start to understand it and understand that I need the reassurance sometimes. I'm not sure really what the point of this was. I know you will all understand that I need to get this all off my chest and I really hope some of you may be able to help. Any suggestions for me?