Saturday, 5 January 2019

New Year Old Me

Hello there,
Now I gave up on blogmas. Work got worse. Life got stressful and I just felt more like focusing on my best friend than I did the Internet for a bit. Every year I'm like I'm going to make this year the best, I'm going to lose weight, get healthy, get a new job and be okay mentally.

This year I don't fancy the yearly lie. Over the last few weeks I've come to realise that I like me. The people I love the most love who I am, granted they can find my little ways a bit strange but I don't want to have to pretend to be someone I'm not. This year is a year to work on myself, I'm going to actually take care of my mind this year instead of trying to focus on the things that shouldn't matter.

My mind is an odd little place. Its a place that I try to hide because I know the thoughts that rattle around in there don't really need to be shared. That doesn't mean I'm on my own though, I need to realise that. Chummy has been by my side for the last three years as my personal cheerleader constantly pepping me up and reminding me that I can do it. She also just allows me to wallow in self pity some days and I love that about her. She just lets me be the other side of me until fun and happy me is ready to play again.

Charlie has also been a little rock, now he doesn't really like thinking of me upset or hurting myself, I get that. I would be so upset if he was the same. I would want to do anything I could to make it better. That's what he's done. A few weeks ago I snuggled up with him and sobbed my heart out. He listening for hours and suggested I write it all down. I now have a little notebook that I keep it all in. If I'm honest I didn't think it would help, now I'm realising its actually pretty good for me. Its a distraction and sometimes I need it.

This year I'm dedicating my time to several things. One, my holiday with Charlie because I cant wait to have him for two whole weeks where we can play in the parks and just get some decent couple time. Two, make more time outside of work for chummy time. We used to love our days off together and shes been really helpful in helping me look into moving out. A perk of her being engaged and a few years older means she can tell me what me and monkey need to look into to move into a place of our own. I want to cut off from work more. Its getting harder and harder in there and my little Bambi eyed friend is leaving, I think this has been the hardest goodbye if I'm honest. Work is just a place that I know I have to go to earn money. To move out and get the life I want with charlie, well I need to be in that place to earn a living.

I guess this year I don't want to be a new me. I want the old me back and I'm working hard to find her again. I may not be every ones cup of tea. I am over protective of the ones I love and I will never not defend them. I used to worry what people thought of me but now, well I am perfectly fine with the human I am and I want to just enjoy being me for a while.

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