Sunday, 9 December 2018

Blogmas Day 9 | Meh

Hello there,
Now this time of year is always a hard one for me, well for my family. This year its twenty one years without nan. Some would say I have no right to be sad, I was a baby when she died but I still have so much love for her. 



I like to think with my mum and my aunt I have all the best parts of my nan. I think that's why I have such a good relationship with my aunt. She sort of took on the role of aunt and nanny and shes done a cracking job. Every year around this time the day hangs over me and I just feel really sad. I know I sort of don't have the right but then I get my head full of what ifs.

If she was still here, do you think she would be proud of me? I have nothing to be proud of, I work a shitty job that has me on the verge of a mental breakdown most days. I have scars that will stay with me forever because sometimes I can't cope. I have taken a path away from my family and I think that's the scariest thing ever. I have strayed from a path that was set for me. I have gone to find my own way and even though I am still very close with my family, I think the idea scares me.

What would she make of Charlie? Would she have the love for him my family do. Would she find him funny? I think I know that if she was still here if me and had has a little tiff, I know I could go to her and just vent about it. She'd make me see sense. I think what hurts the most is the fact that to me I have the memories of everyone else to keep this amazing woman alive in my mind. I don't have any memories to remember her by. I have one picture of us. One. One small snap of the fact she was real and she looks so full of love for little baby me.

I miss her more now that I have ever done before. I think its because as I'm thinking about starting my own family, well I'm scared I won't live up to her and my mum and aunts high standard's of parenting. When I have a baby I want to be the strong woman that have set the best example's for me over the years. I guess I sort of know I'm not strong enough. I know if she was here shes soon get that out of my head. I have spent my life with strong women supporting me and now I'm really leading my own path it just dwells on me that I don't think I can do it all alone. 

So here's to the most wonderful woman. The woman I have heard so many stories about. The women that my mum and aunt keep alive with there funny memories, picture's and stories of. If I can be half the woman she was then I think I will be happy with that. She may not be here to tell me right from wrong but I hope shes somewhere having a good giggle at the situations I get into and I hope shes proud of the woman I am trying to be.

Ciao for now xxx

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