Thursday, 13 December 2018

Blogmas Day 13 | Im So Tired

Hello there,
Now as you all know, I work a pretty boring and hectic retail job. I can safely say I am well and truly tired of it and I'm really not feeling like me. If I'm honest I think I need to tell you all exactly how I feel because I think this is the only save i can admit how I truly am coping without worrying family or friends.

I am not myself. In any way shape or form. I come home and I feel so alone. When I'm cuddled up with charlie my mind is always so far away. Its like I cant get to him even when he's so close to me. I cant tell him what I'm feeling because I know he will just worry. Truth be told, I have new scars. Deeper than the last. I can't seem to stop anymore. It's the only think that makes me feel like the pain in my head is going somewhere. I'm in a cycle and I can't break it. Some may question why I choose to share this here. Well, that's simple. You all got me through this last time. When all hope was lost sharing it just helped.

This is never a good time of year. Every year I question just what I have actually done to be proud of. Each year I can't think of a single thing. I have a man that adores me and it kills me that I have to try and keep this from him. He doesn't need to know this. He knows but he doesn't know the ins and outs. We tell each other everything but I have to protect him from this. I am not quite sure what to do anymore. I'm trying so hard to keep busy and not use this way of coping. It's harder than people thing. It becomes a safety net. I know it helps. Well it never helps and should never be an option but I just can't help it. I feel so alone. I feel like there's no one around me. Friends and family don't need this burden. All I want to do is hide away in bed. I want to just spend my days in darkness and not talk. I just want to feel okay.

I know it will pass. It always does. I'm just not coping and I think I can finally accept that. I need help but I'm too damn scared to ask. If I'm honest I know the one person who always knows what to say. I can't burden chummy with this right now. I just hope that this passes soon because the dark clouds aren't fun right now. I want the rain to come and the sun to shine again.

Anyway that's it for me today. I might be back with a more cheery post tomorrow but meh..

Ciao for now xxx

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