Wednesday, 21 November 2018

Need To Knows Of Me |

Hello there, 
It's become very apparent that some people just cannot read me very well. That's not a bad thing at all as I am one of the hardest people to read. I thought it would be a helpful to do a little how to of me. Granted no one I know reads this but in the rare case they do, prepare yourself for a little lesson in me. The many quirks and stresses my brain will go through on a day to day basis. Now even though I have never been assessed, when i was younger everyone thought I had Aspergers which is on the autistic spectrum. The school I was at were just never concerned enough to let me get tested.

These are the traits of someone with aspergers syndrome:
Lack of social awareness
Lack of interest in socialising/making friends
Difficulty making and sustaining friendships
Inability to infer the thoughts, feelings, or emotions of others
Either gazing too intently or avoiding eye contact
Lack of changing facial expression, or use of exaggerated facial expressions
Lack of use or comprehension of gestures
Inability to perceive nonverbal cues or communications
Failure to respect interpersonal boundaries
Unusually sensitive to noises, touch, odours, tastes, or visual stimuli
Inflexibility and over-adherence to or dependence on routines
Stereotypical and repetitive motor patterns such as hand flapping or arm waving.

Now I don't have all of these but I find it extremely hard in social situations. I feel like because I don't talk about it people just think I'm rude, I can be but that's just my personality. The only people that really know about this part of me are chummy and charlie. 

I find it very hard to make small talk, I don't like to surround myself with loads of people, hence why I only really have a few friends. Anymore would stress me the hell out. If you talk to me you will notice I try not to keep eye contact because for me, it makes me feel very uncomfortably. The only person I can give full eye contact to is charlie but that's just because I get a little lost in his big brown eyes. 

I can be very full on, go over the boundary level which means i struggle to maintain a lot of friendships, I think this is why me and chummy argue quite a bit. Sorry about that. I really don't like a lot of noise, not like loud music, I can hack that. I just hate being in situations where there's so many noises all at once, family occasions stress me out because of this. There's to many noises that my brain really cant focus and it panics me a little. 

I am the most time precise person there is. I hate the idea of being late. Routine is like my best friend and if I'm out of routine it really stresses me out. Ive had to learn with charlie that time isn't his strong point, saying that, he has got so much better with it. If I have plans and they change suddenly I will become very quiet because my brain knew what was happening or would happen, then when its all changed I don't know how to act.

I know I'm a lot to handle, my emotions get the better of me and I will always have to think of the end picture. Its just how I am. I have to plan every eventuality. The other day I turned to charlie and went what will I do when you're gone, he looked confused but I explained and just simply said "When were old and grey, if you died id be on my eon, Then the life we'd built together would be over and I'd be so lost". Yes I'm that forward thinking, I cant help it and sometimes I think some people find it off.

Why did I decide that now was the time to talk to you all about this? Well I'm fascinated by Anne on I'm a celebrity, she's addressee it and I feel its got people talking and its something we don't talk about enough in my opinion.

That's all from me,
Caio for now xxx

Monday, 12 November 2018

Retail Work | Mentally and Physically Drained

Hello there, 
When you read this I'll be back at work after doing a six day straight last week and a 44 hour week (That's with breaks taken out). I'm drained. Mentally and physically. I think everyone assumes retail work is a piece of piss. I wish it was. I work in the cafe part of my retail nightmare and I can tell you now its the most mentally draining place to work. 

Anyone who works in retail will all treat staff with some type of understanding, for me, if go to a restaurant ill always be patient with them. I get its busy and I know out the back they will be busting their balls to get stuff done. However I'm noticing more and more that people who haven't worked in that environment just treat us like shit. Even superiors act like we are nothing and its taking its toll. 

I can't work any more than I am. I give my all to my job and I don't know why anymore. No one fucking thanks me for it. Where I work, if you work 100%, they still want me. You can do a whole shift with no break and been working so hard you're bruised, burnt and at breaking point, they still expect more. I'm contracted just over 20 hours but I've been doing a good 39-45 hours for the last few months overtime. They still wont contract it. I'm working hard to try and build a future with Charlie but it just seems near impossible. 

I come home and I ache, my body aches from my feet to my shoulders. It takes a good few hours for my body to feel normal again. Then you get to my head, my mind takes hours to unwind and normally I take all of the stress from one day and take it to the next. I feel like I cant get a break. This job everyone sees as easy is taking its toll on a group of very strong women and men. We are at breaking point. I don't know how longer I can keep it up.

For me, if you will. If you go into a shop or a restaurant. Please. Please. Please don't speak to the staff like they are below you, don't moan they are going to slow, stop moaning that you think it cant be that hard. Work a day in our shoes and then you'll know its quite a stressful place to be. I don't have the please and comfort of a chair and a desk job. Granted its my fault, I should have tried harder at school. That doesn't mean I deserve to be treated with any less respect. I still work just as hard as you do, maybe more.

I'm not really sure what the point of this was, if anything I think I just had a very bad day. When I'm writing this, I couldn't see Charlie which was awful. Days like this all I need is just a hug, some boring TV and just the knowledge that I'm safe, I'm okay. I also just had enough. I just feel like we're treated unfairly in the fact that we aren't seen as important. 

Anyway I'm off for another fun week in hell. I have the weekend off so I'm making time for just me and Charlie. Life is too hectic lately so I want some me and him time, I think we need some time to just relax as a couple.

Ciao for now xxx

Monday, 5 November 2018

Alone Time |

Hello there,
This week has been one of the worst at work. It has been non stop, all round chaos and just all round pretty shite. Now me and charlie both lead pretty hectic lives, our schedules don't sync up that often but I'm yearning for just some alone time. We went away to center parks at the beginning of the year and it was honestly the best. It was just us. Just us pottering around, living like adults and it was lovely. There was no work or anything to distract us from the other.

I'm not a person that can handle a lot of people at once and the slightest things get to me. This week has been tough on the work side of things, its been awful and at times I've been in tears. My manager actually messaged me saying how she couldn't have done this week without me, something that was actually so nice to hear. Ive ran around like made this week trying to help a sinking ship and somehow we've managed it.

It Saturday night when I'm writing this and I'm tired. I'm waiting to see the love of my life and instead I'm doing this. Reality has hit me hard since coming back from New York. I think I'm just at the stage now where I don't want to live at home any more. I love my parents but I need my own space, we need our own space. At my house Charlie cant stay round which I do respect but its hard to actually get some us time.

My head has been everywhere this week apart from me. I haven't had time to think about myself once this week. Ive been too busy thinking about work. I don't mind. I really don't. I'm just at the point where I want to come home after the shit days and get to spend my nights with charlie. I'm just happier with his company. He calms me. Even when were arguing I know I'm safe. I think right now I'm at a stage where my own family needs to be starting. The me and charlie world that hopefully in the near future will grow.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm an adult trapped in a child's life. I want to be able to do all these things like move out, have kids, get a decent job but there's always something that gets in the way. I hope next year will be a year full of big steps if I'm honest. I'm hoping that I will get much closer to moving out because I want a little place to call our own. I want to be able to go home at the end of the day knowing the man of my dreams is there, even if it does mean I have to make the dinner and do most of the chores.

I think this week has just really got to me. For so many different reasons this week has been shit. I just want a little more time with someone that I'm planning on spending my life with. People say forever can wait but I'm tired of waiting. From 2019 the games changing. I want my life to start moving in a different direction and I'm so excited at the idea of that.

Ciao for now xxx