Tuesday, 22 May 2018

Facing The Truth

Hello lovelies,
Over the last few months I haven't really been myself. It's no secret that I don't really do well with the mental health side of life. Well the last few months have been tough, well that last month.....well that's included countless night crying myself to sleep, crying into charlie after three attempts to take my own life, constant cutting and just the feeling like all I do is cause pain and upset for everyone. For every single moment of that Charlie has been there, hes been the one worrying what I'll do and I'm sorry for that.

It's time to try everything again. I'm back on the kalms, I now keep a rescue remedy spray in my work pencil case, I have to constantly be trying to do things to perk me up because stuff got to real again. I have everything I could want. I have the man of my dreams, a supportive family, me and Charlie are planning our dream holiday for next march and I know that no matter what ,well he is by my side through all of it. He may not understand it all but he's there for me.

This weekend we spent hours in a park, he took me to our little ice cream spot. Just a place for me and him. We spent our time being silly and just enjoying life. Sunday after the day from hell in work, I got home and just fell asleep. I was mentally and physically drained. I woke up to an arm draped around me stroking my hand. Charlie came round and just cuddle me until I woke up. We had the most perfect evening, diner with my parents and then went to see dead pool. The evening just got a bit worse and I snapped. My brain went into meltdown and I just sobbed. We went back to mine and charlie snuggled me into his chest and just sobbed. I cried and cried and cried and I got the best little pep talk. We put my little star projector on and just laid in silence while I tried to get my head straight.

I feel awful that still after having someone in my life who is a there for me to wipe away the tears, to always be there even if we argue, well I feel bad that I am still not fixed. I thought it would all go away. The truth is that I will never be 100%. There is a part of me that will always be slightly darker than I want it to be. I will always have the days where everything just crumbles, I just need to learn to accept help and anyone that is not on board with who I am, well they need to just leave me to it.

Charlie won't ever read this but in the rare chance he does, just thank you. Thank you for wiping away the tears when I'm crying my heart out. Thank you for dealing with the tiny insecurities that just blow up sometimes. Thank you for proving to me everyday that you were the best decision I could have ever made. At one point I thought I have to pick and every day I'm glad I chose you. Thank you for just loving me for who I am and never failing to love me. Thank you for just letting me act me, for not letting my weirdness freak you out. Thanks for being on team me all the time and reminding me every day why I love you.

I guess life has just got to a point where I know I have been trying to play catch up with people that are at very different points in their lives. I let everyone else's opinions of my relationship take it's toll on me and I think its just got too much. I need to just live life without worrying about the future. Charlies right, when I said to him "I don't know where I'm going, I don't have a clear future" he said to me "yes you do, you re looking at your future ". He's right. My future might not be clear if I will ever get a house, have kids or get a decent job. But he is right that my future is with him.

To anyone reading this feeling like there's no way to make it all better. There is. There is always a way to make it better. My way of coping now is just thinking of the little things, I'm reading a lot of self help books. I'm taking kalms to try and make me relax a little more. This isn't an easy fix. Like sometimes feels like it wont stop. My head feels like the darkest clouds are hazing my view of everything good. This isn't something I can just get over. It's a part of me and I think I'm just scared to admit that to people. Charlie is the only one of his family that know. They don't know what I do when I feel like I can't escape. They don't know that Charlie has to deal with a woman that's mind and heart are two opposite people, that he has to deal with me feeling like I need to end it all. He copes with all that and I just wish they understood that I cant help who I am.

I don't really know what the point of this was. I guess I just needed to put it all out there. I'm tired of going to work and acting like I can cope, smiling like I am the happiest woman on the planet, laughing like I haven't a care in the world. I'm facing the truth of who I am. No matter how much I try to fix myself, the damage is done but I think I'm finally ready to actually help myself.

Lots of Love,
Chloe xxx