Tuesday, 22 May 2018

Facing The Truth

Hello lovelies,
Over the last few months I haven't really been myself. It's no secret that I don't really do well with the mental health side of life. Well the last few months have been tough, well that last month.....well that's included countless night crying myself to sleep, crying into charlie after three attempts to take my own life, constant cutting and just the feeling like all I do is cause pain and upset for everyone. For every single moment of that Charlie has been there, hes been the one worrying what I'll do and I'm sorry for that.

It's time to try everything again. I'm back on the kalms, I now keep a rescue remedy spray in my work pencil case, I have to constantly be trying to do things to perk me up because stuff got to real again. I have everything I could want. I have the man of my dreams, a supportive family, me and Charlie are planning our dream holiday for next march and I know that no matter what ,well he is by my side through all of it. He may not understand it all but he's there for me.

This weekend we spent hours in a park, he took me to our little ice cream spot. Just a place for me and him. We spent our time being silly and just enjoying life. Sunday after the day from hell in work, I got home and just fell asleep. I was mentally and physically drained. I woke up to an arm draped around me stroking my hand. Charlie came round and just cuddle me until I woke up. We had the most perfect evening, diner with my parents and then went to see dead pool. The evening just got a bit worse and I snapped. My brain went into meltdown and I just sobbed. We went back to mine and charlie snuggled me into his chest and just sobbed. I cried and cried and cried and I got the best little pep talk. We put my little star projector on and just laid in silence while I tried to get my head straight.

I feel awful that still after having someone in my life who is a there for me to wipe away the tears, to always be there even if we argue, well I feel bad that I am still not fixed. I thought it would all go away. The truth is that I will never be 100%. There is a part of me that will always be slightly darker than I want it to be. I will always have the days where everything just crumbles, I just need to learn to accept help and anyone that is not on board with who I am, well they need to just leave me to it.

Charlie won't ever read this but in the rare chance he does, just thank you. Thank you for wiping away the tears when I'm crying my heart out. Thank you for dealing with the tiny insecurities that just blow up sometimes. Thank you for proving to me everyday that you were the best decision I could have ever made. At one point I thought I have to pick and every day I'm glad I chose you. Thank you for just loving me for who I am and never failing to love me. Thank you for just letting me act me, for not letting my weirdness freak you out. Thanks for being on team me all the time and reminding me every day why I love you.

I guess life has just got to a point where I know I have been trying to play catch up with people that are at very different points in their lives. I let everyone else's opinions of my relationship take it's toll on me and I think its just got too much. I need to just live life without worrying about the future. Charlies right, when I said to him "I don't know where I'm going, I don't have a clear future" he said to me "yes you do, you re looking at your future ". He's right. My future might not be clear if I will ever get a house, have kids or get a decent job. But he is right that my future is with him.

To anyone reading this feeling like there's no way to make it all better. There is. There is always a way to make it better. My way of coping now is just thinking of the little things, I'm reading a lot of self help books. I'm taking kalms to try and make me relax a little more. This isn't an easy fix. Like sometimes feels like it wont stop. My head feels like the darkest clouds are hazing my view of everything good. This isn't something I can just get over. It's a part of me and I think I'm just scared to admit that to people. Charlie is the only one of his family that know. They don't know what I do when I feel like I can't escape. They don't know that Charlie has to deal with a woman that's mind and heart are two opposite people, that he has to deal with me feeling like I need to end it all. He copes with all that and I just wish they understood that I cant help who I am.

I don't really know what the point of this was. I guess I just needed to put it all out there. I'm tired of going to work and acting like I can cope, smiling like I am the happiest woman on the planet, laughing like I haven't a care in the world. I'm facing the truth of who I am. No matter how much I try to fix myself, the damage is done but I think I'm finally ready to actually help myself.

Lots of Love,
Chloe xxx

Saturday, 12 May 2018

Chummy Day Date

Hello lovelies,
This is being written a few weeks in advance but yesterday, as in from the day I write this, me and chummy ventured into the London to go and see the most wonderfully talented Carrie Hope Fletcher. Me and chummy work together but we never get to just spend time together. It was nice to just get out for the day, have some much deserved chummy time. Now this is going to be a little "what me and chummy got up to" kind of post. I love documenting the little adventure that me and chummy have together.

We started the day in separate houses, me at charlies and her at her house. I woke up and just had a nibble on some Easter egg and then quickly got ready. Charlie dropped me to the station where I met chummy. We got on the train like proper little adults and had a good chit chat whilst on the train to London.

Naturally our first stop was the most perfect little bakery, yes if you know me well then you will know that I am talking about Crumbs and Doilies. They make the most delicious cakes and of course I got myself a few little treats to take home for me and charlie. I just adore that bakery. It's like a little gem in London that's tucked away but so worth finding.

After the little stop for cake we headed into Leicester square. It was nice to just take my time and explore a little more, we popped into M&M world which was just marvulous. I got a pressed penny and I was loving life. It was packed in there thought which was a slight annoyance considering I do not like people.

After venturing into M&M world chummy wanted to see if we could find a little shop called donut time, we found it but they had a little bit of a queue so we opted to try and get to the venue over purchasing more cake. Unfortunately it was raining most of the day but we weren't that bothered because rain or shine, we were getting to see Carrie.

The cadagon hall was simply the most beautiful venue and I'm a little bit in love with it, it just looks so stunning and I think it was the most perfect venue for Carrie. I was so excited and I was hooked the minute the first song started. I have always had a little bit of an obsession with the song "pure imagination" so when she opened with that, I had goosebumps and I was hooked for the rest of the show. Every song she sang, well you could just feel the passion and love that was being poured into each song. Obviously being a massive Disney nerd I was loving her little mash up of songs. I must say though, my a few of my favourites from Carrie, even though each song was sung with so much love and just sounded beautiful, well my favourites were pure imagination, lets go fly a kite and I'm not okay. When she sang those, well I was just in awe of her. How much perfection was coming out of her, the way she made those amazing songs her own, I love the original of lets go fly a kite, but good god she may have beaten that for me. The tones in her voice just takes the song to another level.

After a standing ovation for Carrie, we headed out for dinner. We had a lovely cocktail at TGI's, a really nice meal and then a little rest before we set off to go home. The journey home was pretty easy and it was just so nice to get out and about with one of the woman that make me feel so good about myself. The woman who has been someone who makes me want to better myself and has always made me think I can do pretty much anything I want.

Thank you for a perfect chummy day, it was just what I needed to get back to myself and I simply cant wait for another day like that.

Saturday, 5 May 2018

It's The Little Things |

Hello lovelies,
Today's post is all about the little things. There's little things in life that just make me feel all warm and fuzzy, I thought I would share some of those with you today and bore you a little with them. I know this post might not be to everyones taste but I really love reading about all the little things that make people happy.

Belly laughs 
I am someone that loves a bit of laughter in my life, I like to bring the giggles and I love it when people make me laugh. One of the things I love the most is belly laughs, the laughs that you don't think will actually stop. The ones when you are crying you find something so funny and you feel pain that you have laughed so much.

Hugs from my favourite people 
This is mainly from my little cousin and my boyfriend, also the Italian lady at work. I love going and seeing my little cousin, especially when she is in a cuddly mood. Its so nice to just be able to grab her and lift her up to cuddle her, she may be 7 but I still like to prove that I can still lift her up and give her the biggest hug in the world. I also love my hugs form charlie, the fact that he is much taller than me is something that I just adore, I can snuggle into his chest and be like nope I am not leaving as I'm too cosy.

Sleeping next to Charlie 
I am someone that loves a whole bed to myself, I normally hate sharing a bed because I just like to have all the room to myself and burrito myself in my quilt. Even though charlie steals the covers and snores like me, I love waking up in the middle of the night, hes fast asleep and I give him a little kiss on his back then a little cuddle. I then try to get back to sleep and then he rolls over and put his arm around me. I love that. I love the fact that even in his sleepy state he pulls me in close for a cuddle.

Finding money in your pocket
As much as I love sleeping next to Charlie, I love finding money in pockets or bags that i have forgotten about. It is such a satisfying thing to just be like oh good god I found extra snack money.

Leaving work 
Ohhhhhhhh we've all been there, staring at the clock waiting for it to tick over to the next hour so you can go home. I am first out the door, I say my goodbyes quickly and run the fuck away. Leaving work for me is one of the best things.

Not having to set an alarm 
I love it when I have a day off and I don't have to set an alarm. Setting alarms for me is just painful. I hate waking up to an alarm which is basically telling me that I have to go to work. I might as well have my manager sit by my bed to bloody wake me up. When I have the day off I look at my phone the night before and just sigh with relief that tomorrow I will not be a slave to my digital alarm and my dreams can play out until I wake up naturally.

Rainy days
Rainy days when I can sit in bed, all cosy and warm watching my latest addiction on Netflix. I don't know what I could think of that's better. I just adore days like that. It just makes me so happy when I get to have a day on on a rainy day.

Not that I do this that often anymore but I love a bit of baking. It just fills me with so much joy, the idea of creating a delicious smelling thing that you can eat. Whats not to love. 

As bad as Ive been at writing lately, it really chills me out. I'm writing this while at charlies, and I forgot how much I like my writing time. It just really helps me to get really creative and I also forgot how much I love watching the screen as I can see myself type without needing to actually look at the screen. 

I ain't no Adele but I like to kid myself and still belt out some of my favourite songs. I just think its something that really lets me get rid of any negative energy I have. Its either I sing really badly or I just scream in someones face. I like to think I pick the better option.

Well those are just some of the little things that just fill me with so much joy.