Saturday, 7 April 2018

Being Messed Around | Dating Issues

Hello lovelies,
After last weeks little post all about what I have learnt whilst being in a relationship, I want to take a moment to just write about how I felt before I was actually with Charlie. This is all about how I was messed around so much by men that we telling me they wanted relationships when all they wanted was casual sex and naked pictures.

What's sparked this post? Well someone I really get on with has been messed around lately and its really got me thinking about the times I went through that. I was actually a little surprised that they came to me, I'm not really the sort of person that helps with other peoples issues, I'm there if they need me but no one really listens to me. 

I think it got me thinking about just how horrible it is, I think I sort of forgot just how I felt when I went through that because I'm in a much happier place now and I don't really need to think about it anymore. 

When I was attempting to start dating it was awful, I have a love hate relationship with tinder because it brought me a trail of cunts and then the happy ending to it all was Charlie. Until I met charlie I had talked properly to around......Christ this is maths I cant do. Ummmm I think it was about 15 people that led me to believe that they were really nice people who were actually after a relationship. Many of those were just after naked pictures and sexts which I am very ashamed to say I got lured into. Thinking about now I was so stupid and I regret that so much. One of them sweet talked me that much and made me feel so special, that was the one I lost my virginity to and I know I was in such a rush to get it over with, I thought I needed to to be socially acceptable to everyone......as per usual chummy was right. I so wish I had waited now, I wish I'd waited until I met Charlie because I think it would have been much more special than a quick fumble with the fresh prince of Bel air on in the background *I still can't watch it without feeling slightly queasy*.

I almost wanted to address how it mad me feel, being messed around like that crushed me. The biggest blow I took was when the boy I lost my virginity to messaged me a few days after and said "You are far to awkward, no ones that awkward". My awkwardness and weirdness is something that Charlie loves most about me. If you are a man or woman reading this and you are the one messing someone around. Take a minute to think how you would feel, putting your trust in someone and then having them drop you when something better comes along. 

It took me a while to get over that, I was still so on edge for the first two months of my relationship because I was so used to men all being the same. I think it upset Charlie a little at first but once I had explained to him the reasons why, well he sort of understood then.

To you it might just seem like a bit of fun but for people like me, being messed around like that was soul destroying, you sit and nit pick yourself, you dissect every part of your brain to work out just why you aren't good enough. 

I don't want anyone to feel how I felt and it is just more crushing that the person that's been messed around, well they are the most caring, helpful and funniest people I have the pleasure of knowing, they don't deserve that and I think its just reminded me just how hurtful it is to be in that situation. 

I'm not really sure what the point of this post was but I think I just needed to just vent for a little because its really got to me, people see a sweet and innocent person and its like we're easy prey, after a while it toughens you up, you don't want to let anyone in. I certainly didn't, it took ages for me to fully trust Charlie and I'm glad I did. I'm just angry that it took so many people to finally be with someone who treats me like a princess.