Saturday, 28 April 2018

Getting The Balance

Hello lovelies,
Look at me, sixth post in six weeks. I am on the ball with it. I am aware that I wanted to give you a lot more content than you have been getting but with life a little more hectic that usual, something is better than nothing. How am I actually managing to get the balance a little bit more I didn't hear you ask. Well I shall tell you in this boring yet very un insightful post.

Life over the last seven months has gone like this. I'm either at work or with charlie or with chummy or with family or just asleep. Now I can work around most of these things but its getting in between me and my love, and by my love I mean my bed. I can't seem to get the balance right and that means that the blog has taken a back seat, and when I say back seat I mean I'm on the train and its on a bus that's broken down down a country lane. A bit out there but there we go, I'm getting back to my old self of write whatever the fuck I want on the page and hope you stay with me. Right so we're on the train, the train to adulthood and bills and thinking about mortgages and shit like that. This has just taken a massive step back and I really need to work on that.

How am I managing to actually get my writing done, well if I'm honest one of the main reasons I hadn't been writing was I just couldn't find the energy for it while trying to keep up with work and a relationship. I had a spare laptop that has been gathering dust under my bed and I really wanted to use it a hell of a lot more. I have decided that the laptop will stay at Charlie's, it just means that when I'm at his house and he pops out or I wake up before him then I can get some writing done. 

I just miss this part of my life, it used to be a part of my life that was a massive factor and truth be told I really miss it. Currently I'm sat next to Charlie cuddled under the duvet while he plays his play station, this works just fine for me. I love the fact that now I have my laptop here I can get some work done in the moments were just chilling out. 

Saturday, 21 April 2018

In 5 Years Time |

Hello lovelies,
Today's post is all about where I want to be in 5 years time. 5 years time by Noah and the whale is one of mine and Charlie's songs and it makes me so happy to sit and think where we could be in 5 years time. Here's just some of the things I hope will have happened in 5 years time.

What can I say, I would hope in 5 years Charlie may have at least asked me to marry him. I know some people are happy being together and not getting married but for me, I don't know......I guess I'm just a little old fashioned and would love being married. I mean I hope we would at least be engaged. Charlie doesn't know this but I feel like if it went over two years of being together and no questioned was popped I think id be like nah even if I was asked. Marriage is definitely something I hope has happened or will be happening in 5 years time.

Mini Me's
I want a baby. That is no secret. Granted its not the right time now but I really hope I have at least one little human that's half me half Charlie running around. I just want to be a mum, I want to be able to be like yep, that human. I raised that. 

I would like to think me and Charlie would be living together by then, hopefully with a mortgage but with today's house prices I feel like it may be a little bit difficult. Oh I don't know but a girl can dream.

No doubt I will still be working where I am now but I hope that maybe I have either got out of the department or maybe even got a bit higher in my job. I know it probably wont happen but I know I am perfectly capable of managing but I think running that place would not be worth the stress.

mental state
I like to think my mental state may improve. Since being with Charlie it has actually really improved. I think its just the idea that this man, the one who I want to spend the rest of my life with accepts me for all my faults. He loves me no matter how many dark clouds come over me. I like to think our relationship will get much stronger and I like to think I'll will have really worked on my mental health.

family life
Family life could always do with a little improvement. I would like to think that in 5 years time my family would all be in a happy place with everything. Like we have our minor disagreements but I would like to think we will all still be plodding along nicely.

Well that was a nice little boring post for you. Very sorry about that but I just thought it would be nice to do this post. I am pretty sure I have done this post before but I just think that its a little more realistic now that I'm a bit more settled.

Saturday, 14 April 2018

Work Work Work | Work Work Work.......Arrrrrgggggghhh

Hello lovelies,
I'm writing this post two weeks prior to this actually going up but I sort of know my opinions are not going to change any time soon. It seems like work lately has been more demanding. I of course want more hours, if me and Charlie are ever going to move out I need to be on full time. I don't mind the job, this issue lies with the people who don't work at all.

I get payed the exact same as people who barely work and it is taking its toll on not only me but some of my other colleagues. I think some peoples work ethics nowadays are terrible. Like they are offended if you ask them to actually do some work. I am one of maybe 4 or 5 people who know how to do everything at my job, we have around 20 of us in there so a lot of the harder work falls to me and a few others. My issue isn't the ones who haven't been trained to do what I can do. My issue is even on the smaller jobs that are so simple, they still don't want to work. 

I am paid the exact same as them, why should they get paid to stand around doing nothing while I work my arse off, working until I'm sweating, red in the face and my feet ache so much I feel like I could collapse. The attitude towards these people is just "Oh they might improve" or "they're not like it with me". I am tired of doing the job of everyone else. It winds me up to the point of no return sometimes and I am at the point now where even my work ethic has changed. I will now only do my job, I wont go above expectation anymore. I will only help those who will help me, we are not a team anymore. We are a group of people that only some of us work together well, we help each other out and really pull together. The rest just make a mockery out of the job and don't deserve to work there.

There are people out there desperate for work who would work their arses off to earn a living and then you have people who just thinks its their god given right to stand and get paid to do nothing.

I'm very sorry about this little rant, it's something that's really been playing heavily on my mind lately and I just needed a place to share it. Does it bother any one else if you have to work 10x harder than someone who barely works at all.

Saturday, 7 April 2018

Being Messed Around | Dating Issues

Hello lovelies,
After last weeks little post all about what I have learnt whilst being in a relationship, I want to take a moment to just write about how I felt before I was actually with Charlie. This is all about how I was messed around so much by men that we telling me they wanted relationships when all they wanted was casual sex and naked pictures.

What's sparked this post? Well someone I really get on with has been messed around lately and its really got me thinking about the times I went through that. I was actually a little surprised that they came to me, I'm not really the sort of person that helps with other peoples issues, I'm there if they need me but no one really listens to me. 

I think it got me thinking about just how horrible it is, I think I sort of forgot just how I felt when I went through that because I'm in a much happier place now and I don't really need to think about it anymore. 

When I was attempting to start dating it was awful, I have a love hate relationship with tinder because it brought me a trail of cunts and then the happy ending to it all was Charlie. Until I met charlie I had talked properly to around......Christ this is maths I cant do. Ummmm I think it was about 15 people that led me to believe that they were really nice people who were actually after a relationship. Many of those were just after naked pictures and sexts which I am very ashamed to say I got lured into. Thinking about now I was so stupid and I regret that so much. One of them sweet talked me that much and made me feel so special, that was the one I lost my virginity to and I know I was in such a rush to get it over with, I thought I needed to to be socially acceptable to per usual chummy was right. I so wish I had waited now, I wish I'd waited until I met Charlie because I think it would have been much more special than a quick fumble with the fresh prince of Bel air on in the background *I still can't watch it without feeling slightly queasy*.

I almost wanted to address how it mad me feel, being messed around like that crushed me. The biggest blow I took was when the boy I lost my virginity to messaged me a few days after and said "You are far to awkward, no ones that awkward". My awkwardness and weirdness is something that Charlie loves most about me. If you are a man or woman reading this and you are the one messing someone around. Take a minute to think how you would feel, putting your trust in someone and then having them drop you when something better comes along. 

It took me a while to get over that, I was still so on edge for the first two months of my relationship because I was so used to men all being the same. I think it upset Charlie a little at first but once I had explained to him the reasons why, well he sort of understood then.

To you it might just seem like a bit of fun but for people like me, being messed around like that was soul destroying, you sit and nit pick yourself, you dissect every part of your brain to work out just why you aren't good enough. 

I don't want anyone to feel how I felt and it is just more crushing that the person that's been messed around, well they are the most caring, helpful and funniest people I have the pleasure of knowing, they don't deserve that and I think its just reminded me just how hurtful it is to be in that situation. 

I'm not really sure what the point of this post was but I think I just needed to just vent for a little because its really got to me, people see a sweet and innocent person and its like we're easy prey, after a while it toughens you up, you don't want to let anyone in. I certainly didn't, it took ages for me to fully trust Charlie and I'm glad I did. I'm just angry that it took so many people to finally be with someone who treats me like a princess.