Monday, 8 January 2018

Am I Still Me? |

Hello lovelies,

Lately it sort of hit me that I'm very much a two now. I love being a two, having someone to share everything with. To go on little adventures with and to plan my future with. The other day however it hit me. Am I too immersed in the "Us" and "We" bubble that I've lost who I am a little bit? I honestly don't know. I just miss certain little things that I used to do a lot. I think I was so used to it being just me for so long that its hard for me to adapt, lately I've had to adapt very quickly and I think it's just hit me a little bit more than it should have done if I'm honest.

If I'm honest with you I just think I'm stuck in my ways a little bit. I have always been a person that likes to be very "I got this" and I like to pay my own way. Charlie treats me like a princess and I'm not used to that. H would do anything for me and I think I'm just programmed not to trust men. This is proving an issue because I trust him with my life. I need to let him in more, I just feel like I can't be a burden. I know I sort of put a lot of my stuff on other people but I just feel like I'll ruin what we have. 

I know I'm still me, I've spoke to charlie about this but I feel like maybe he just thinks I'm being silly. Today I got to get some writing done, I lit a candle and had my fairy lights twinkling. I had chummy round for a little bit and just felt like I was getting a bit of me back. Wiring is something I rarely do anymore and it saddens me that its not a big part of my life anymore. I think I'm just so used to it just being me, my wiring and just being the add on to other peoples lives that its just sort of hit me. I'm not an add on, I'm a massive part of someone else's life and I'm scared that I'm not good enough for him. 

I'm worried its all going to go wrong, that the chunky me that is her weird self, who will happily eat McNuggets in her underwear (Don't judge), will have giggling fits when tickled and is a little bit mentally broken......I'm worried he will get tired of it all. I'm scared to lose the man who I see my whole future with. 

Is this normal to sort of get scared like this? Am I being silly? Oh I don't know, I'm just so aware of what I have that the idea of losing it is scaring me a bit too much.

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