Wednesday, 31 January 2018

Seperate Lives | It Works For Me

Hello lovelies,
Recently I've had a few comments that its like I'm living two separate lives and I agree. I have my work life and then my life at home with the people I love. I think I might be happy with that. I'm fully aware that I have my own bubble outside of the workplace but I have to detach from it all.

Last year I struggled a lot with trying to keep a good balance, trying to stay afloat when it felt like I was constantly drowning in everything. The one part of this that I would change is I would have chummy more involved in the happy at home side of things. The rest of the work stuff can stay there. Work isn't something that makes me happy but it is a necessity if I want to be able to earn money. Since I've tried the whole idea of keeping them separate works become a little better.

I wasn't aware of the separation before but now that I am aware of it, it makes it a hell of a lot easier for me to switch off or switch between the two lives very easily for me. This year I am determined to have a better balance, to regain myself back. I lost a part of me for so long and I need to get her back. I need to get back to what I love. Currently I'm spending my night writing, editing and listening to my favourite songs and getting lost in my own work again. I've missed this so much. I've missed the moments where I can switch off from the world, put on my headphones and just write.

I think I let everything take over last year. I went through the darkest period in my life, I came out of it and I'm happy about that. After that I got into a relationship that got pretty serious pretty quickly and I'm so thankful for that......but I didn't make sure I had time just for me. Time to process just how far I had come, to look at the ups and downs and sort of see the weird journey I had been on. I'm getting my time back, I'm making time for things that make me happy. Things that only I do. Not an activity for me and charlie, to a family thing or not a chummy thing. Just me. Just me and my own little world. The me that throws on my pyjamas, scrags her hair back into a messy bun, grabs a mug of tea, pops on her favourite songs and just gets on with writing and immersing herself in a world of her own creation.

I'm finally getting back to my old self and I love it. I'm my own person again and I love it, I love that I have that spark back. That passion has re-ignited in me and I'm ready to do exactly what I love again. My two worlds may be separate but I love it, I love the fact that for the first time in ages I'm back to my old self again.

Monday, 8 January 2018

Am I Still Me? |

Hello lovelies,

Lately it sort of hit me that I'm very much a two now. I love being a two, having someone to share everything with. To go on little adventures with and to plan my future with. The other day however it hit me. Am I too immersed in the "Us" and "We" bubble that I've lost who I am a little bit? I honestly don't know. I just miss certain little things that I used to do a lot. I think I was so used to it being just me for so long that its hard for me to adapt, lately I've had to adapt very quickly and I think it's just hit me a little bit more than it should have done if I'm honest.

If I'm honest with you I just think I'm stuck in my ways a little bit. I have always been a person that likes to be very "I got this" and I like to pay my own way. Charlie treats me like a princess and I'm not used to that. H would do anything for me and I think I'm just programmed not to trust men. This is proving an issue because I trust him with my life. I need to let him in more, I just feel like I can't be a burden. I know I sort of put a lot of my stuff on other people but I just feel like I'll ruin what we have. 

I know I'm still me, I've spoke to charlie about this but I feel like maybe he just thinks I'm being silly. Today I got to get some writing done, I lit a candle and had my fairy lights twinkling. I had chummy round for a little bit and just felt like I was getting a bit of me back. Wiring is something I rarely do anymore and it saddens me that its not a big part of my life anymore. I think I'm just so used to it just being me, my wiring and just being the add on to other peoples lives that its just sort of hit me. I'm not an add on, I'm a massive part of someone else's life and I'm scared that I'm not good enough for him. 

I'm worried its all going to go wrong, that the chunky me that is her weird self, who will happily eat McNuggets in her underwear (Don't judge), will have giggling fits when tickled and is a little bit mentally broken......I'm worried he will get tired of it all. I'm scared to lose the man who I see my whole future with. 

Is this normal to sort of get scared like this? Am I being silly? Oh I don't know, I'm just so aware of what I have that the idea of losing it is scaring me a bit too much.

Tuesday, 2 January 2018

Fresh Start | A New Daydreamer

Hello there,
Last year I let this blog slip. When I say slip, I mean I let it fade away into something I was no longer proud to say I owned. This year however I want it to be new. I want it to be a re-invention. I'll do a summary of last year for you in a second but the eagle eyed viewers may have noticed some of my content has disappeared. Yep, its gone. Well it's in my drafts but it won't be returning to your screens

I had this conversation with Charlie and he understood where I was coming from. If you compare my life from the first half of the year to the last three months, I'm a completely different woman. I've been back through my tweets and I've deleted quite a lot, its not about deleting my past. It's about starting fresh, bringing professional daydreamer back to what it used to be. I used to be so proud of the world I had created and I am deeply sorry that I used it as a way to spread my own un-happiness.

Today's been a bit of a day of reflection. Life's been drastic this past year. I've lost what I thought I wanted, but I gained the love of my life. It makes everything else seem unimportant. The silly dates and shit that went wrong. It all went wrong for a reason. The reason? The man that's got his arm around me while I'm sat in his sisters lounge having some full on family time and seeing in the new year with people I now adore. Life seems pretty sweet right now, I'm being immersed in family time and I love it, I mean I feel guilty about it. It seems like me becoming part of another family means I'm doing something wrong, how though? I'm running around playing with all the toys the boys got from Santa, there used to me and I love that they're asking me to play with them and showing me things.. He's grounded me. He's made me realise that life is worth so much more. I love him with everything I have and I now can't imagine my life without him.

Friendships have maybe been a little strained this year. I feel like I've lost one but I'm sure he'll come back soon. Chummy is still here and I'm so happy with that. We don't get to see each other a lot now days and that makes me sad. I guess we both just have busy lives. Her life more busy than mine. I'm fully aware I've maybe neglecting her a lot lately. I feel awful. I guess I don't want to bug her, I'm aware I'm very full on and I get she's got her own life. I'm stuck between do I want to always be nagging her or just be here when she needs me. I'm a bit lost right now on what to do. I feel like all I'm doing is hurting her, maybe she'd be better off if I just kept out of her life. I think that I just need to take a step back. If she wants me I'm here but she needs to live her own life, one that I feel I'm getting in the way of. It'll be my greatest loss but I think it might be best for her. I'm done with hurting people and dragging them down.

Family life actually seems pretty good right now. Last year was pretty trying for our family, stuff came out that never needed to be shared. Many tears were shed and it was a tough year for me. This year my aim is to focus on my family a hell of a lot more. The family I have and the family I'm becoming part of are all so perfect, I need to make more time for all of that this year.

Work? Well works very worky. Yes worky is now a new word in the professional daydreamers book of made up words. I want to transfer to another store I think. It just seems like none of us get on anymore and it's just causing a lot of stress that doesn't need to be there.

My aims for the year?
Well my aims this year are to be okay. Not happy because for me that's pressure and if I'm not I feel like I've failed. I'll settle for okay and anything else is a bonus. I want to make more time for the ones I love. The tail end of last year I was so happy but mentally struggling. I didn't tell a soul and I'd just been bottling stuff up, I needed to talk but didn't want to burden anyone anymore. I also want to explore and have fun, make memories and just make sure that I make the most out of this year.

The past is finally being left there. Yes it's tough but there's a great big beautiful tomorrow so that's my focus now ☺️.

Well thats all from me today, I'll see you soon for another post. Lets make 2018 the best year so far.