Saturday, 5 August 2017

Telling My Parents About My Mental Health | Huge Mistake

Hello lovelies,
Now we all know by now that I struggle with stuff in my head. I had enough and knew that the only person that could help me was my aunt. Not in a horrible way because my chummy has been the best, my aunt just gets it because she's been through it. Now I wrote her out a letter telling her everything, the self harm, the suicide attempts any every other little detail you all know. My mum wouldn't stop badgering me this week about what was wrong. I just handed her the letter in tears and said " Look I don't want to talk, if you read it just listen, don't ask me about it and don't tell anyone". Five minutes later my dad knew and they were both outside my door saying I need doctors, saying that we need to talk. What didn't they get about "I'm not ready to talk about this". 

Now I found this picture online, not my own but it sums up how I feel.

I get it was a lot for them but it wasn't meant for them. It was meant for the one woman that I trust with my life, the woman who knows me inside and out. She knows me better than I know myself and she to me, is the voice of reason. I shut myself away and the way my room works is....I have a bolt on my side and a key that works on both sides. I slid the bolt across because I wanted to be on my own. I told them I wanted to be on my own. After telling my mum what had been going on I wanted to hide away from the world. I had my dad smashing on the other side telling me he'd break the door down. Did I need that? No. I went to leave for work, oh yeah I had a shift in the evening so this all happened at the most awkward time. He had locked me in. He had used his key and locked me in there like I was monster. Like I shouldn't be let out. Luckily I had my key so could just let myself out. I put my earphones in and just ran off. I didn't drive because I saw no point, I was in no fit state to be behind the wheel.

I got to work and saw my manager, she looked at me and I started bawling like a baby. Like she normally does, she sent me to the cupboard that has been many a woman shed man a tear. I told her everything and she just cuddled me. She had the reaction I needed. She was calm and knew that that's the way to handle me. I didn't want to bother chummy with it, she was having a nice day with her boyfriend and I knew hearing about her day would cheer me up.

I guess I thought that if I told my parents it would be like the scene on inside out when Riley breaks down and just tells her parents how she feels. They come together as a family unit. Nope, my experience of telling my parents about my mental health was nothing like that. It was messy and now we're not speaking. I told my aunt everything while she was at the zoo today, trying to enjoy her last day on holiday but she was there. She helped me see reason. She did what I needed. She handled in how it should have been handled and I'm just so thankful she's there for me. She said "Bubba you're not mine but you know you're like one of my kids, I'm sorry you've been feeling like this but I understand and we can work this out. When you're ready we can talk. For now pack a bag and when we get home come and stay with us for a bit, love you lots bubba".

I'm now a bit of a mess. I guess mental health has such a stigma attached to it that people don't know how to handle it. I'm just so thankful that my best friend has been so good with me, she's dealt with mood swings, bitchiness that was not needed and still been there. Chummy you are one in a million and I'm sorry I've put you through all this. My aunt, well thank you. Thank you for knowing how I needed this to be dealt with. Thank you for just accepting it and going, yep its okay. Mum and dad, the way you acted makes me not trust you. That's okay. This family has been broken for so long, for so long you put all your worries into the child that did nothing but cause you trouble. If you'd have looked a little closer maybe you might have realised that I needed you and the reason for half this pain was her. 

Anyone else told family and had this reaction? How did you deal with it? I just need to try and make sense of whats happened now. I'll be at my aunts for at least tonight but maybe a bit longer if needs be. I'm just thankful that today my favourite workers were in to cheer me up. I needed them so much today. I needed chummy to just be silly with me, I needed my doe eyed woman to just be her and I needed the guy I work with to be on top from in his playful mood.