Sunday, 2 July 2017

I Want To Know | Death

Hello my lovelies,
Most of you might have seen my twitter breakdown. I think I had that in life. I'm just tired. I want to know so many things. I want to know what it will feel like to draw my last breath. I want to know if it will hurt. I want to know if there's life after death. What happens to us when its all over. I want to know if it all stops hurting. I want to know if the metal pain just goes away. If for once I can feel the pain just go. To all of you I seem stupid. I seem like I'm attention seeking. Let me talk you through the weekend. On Saturday I tried to take my life again. I cut and cut and cut but it didn't work. The blood poured but I was still here. I fail in life as well as death so here I am. An in-between state. I don't feel alive. But I'm not dead. I don't feel right now. I haven't for a while. I can fake a lot. I can fake the smiles and the laughs.

Wow look at me, pouring my heart out to the inter-web. Its the only place I feel me anymore. I can't feel, I try. People assume this is all because of a boy. Its not. It was once, that's gone now. I felt like this before him and he was the one that sort of gave me the happiness and I don't think he knew just how much he was helping. It's becoming more and more evident to people at work that I'm self harming. They look but don't question, they ask other people. To them I attention seek. Today I cried non stop at work. I had a few panic attacks and I wanted to be anywhere else. One comment just sent my bawling. Thankfully chummy came, got me and took me away from it all. The joke of I could either work or just slit my throat to. Now we are a jokey department but that hurt. I was ignoring it because I know she wasn't meaning it. My lovely woman who I adore but then she joked and asked if I wanted to slit my throat. My eyes filled with tears and I just hurried behind the dishwasher. Chummy came and got me. I couldn't breathe because the tears were just taking over.

I just feel like no one gets that I just cant feel. I cant. People thing I've just been jumping from guy to guy. I haven't for fun, I just want to feel something. No not sex before you all jump to that. I want to feel loved, like I'm wanted. Like I'm not a burden. Not someone people have to fit in when they clearly have time for everyone else. I can barely get a message from some of my friends but everyone else gets the full attention. I get it. I was too late to the party of this friendship. The issue is I got into people lives too late, little foundations had already been set and I just don't fit in.

I'm tired of feeling this way. I just want to make it all stop. Well that's it. My heart on a screen for you, how its been for a while now. It seems fitting that I'm back here. Now that's why I've been away for so long. It seems like forever but now you know why. God, two suicide attempts and its not even August. I'm doing well aren't I. Its okay to laugh at that. I still want to make people laugh and smile, that's what I do. I'm the thing people go to when they want a giggle or advice. I can give to everyone else but myself. I can make people happy but I can't get the happy.

Well for now thats me. The professional daydreamer. I've been living in my daydream for so long but this has been a blast, its seems fitting for now I end this on the favourite doctor who regenerations, you've been fantastic. I don't want to go. I'll always remember when the doctor was me. I just wish I could regenerate into a happier person.