Monday, 31 July 2017

I'm Coming Home | Back To Blogging

Hello my lovelies,
It's been very evident that I have been away for a while. While I've been here I haven't really been here fully, I've been focused on real life and trying but failing to make people happy. I'm finally done doing that, my brains a bit too much for the real world and I think its time I focused more on my online world. 

So what's been happening? Well Today I wrote out a letter for my aunt explaining everything, like mental health stuff that I just feel like I can't tell anyone. It feels like I just burden people with it but I feel like if anyone will be able to help, its her. She's my world and I think she's the one who can get me out of this little destructive path I've been on.

I've come to terms with the fact that maybe I just will have a a pretty basis life. Theres nothing wrong with that. I'm finally stopping the quest for Mr Right. I don't really want him now, I want to focus on me. I need to focus on me. Running around looking for someone to love me, someone to cover the cracks just isn't going to help. I get to view a lot of "perfect" couples but that's good for them. I just know realistically I've always been better on my own. I work better alone, I'm more creative and I think in control more. I'm an easily controlled person in an environment of humans but when I'm on my own I can deal with life without having to rely on people which is something I become dependant on.

I guess I'm just a little lost at the minute but by getting back to blogging, it feels like I'm coming home. I'm back to what makes me happy. I can breathe again without fear of judgement because there is always someone out there that gets it. Someone to just sit and pour your heart out to who will just listen. Theres no obligation for them to do it, they just do.

Right now I'm spending my nights snuggled up with books, writing new things, learning new things and just snuggling up to Simba. I'm back now and I want to throw myself back into it like I used to. This was created for a reason and I want to get back to that.

Wednesday, 26 July 2017

Boobs, Body and Backlash |

Hello lovelies,
Odd post today but I feel like as someone who spends most of my life online I can't shy away from this. I feel like I've made mistakes and sadly some of those do involve my boobs and my body. Before you judge I want you to take the time to read this.

Now its no secret that I like to use tinder. I don't use it for sex, if you do that's great. Good for you. As long as its between two consenting adults then why not? Now I get talking to people, they earn my trust which is something I have to learn not to give out. Being a woman that has very low self esteem means its easy for people to manipulate their way into getting what they want. 

They tell me I'm beautiful, that my size doesn't matter, that they like certain parts of my look. Now I'm sad to admit that a few of those people have wormed there way into what they want. Now I'm ready for my friends to just disown me at the next part but its time to be straight with you. Now a few people have played the you're beautiful, have you got snapchat bullshit. Now I'll chat to them for a while on there, sent stupid pics of me with filters of unicorns, flower crowns and things like that. Then after a while they'll snap me, they asked for pictures of more. I said no, they said please its just between us. They made me trust them, they made me feel confident. They made me feel like there was something between us. Now before the alarm bells ring I have NEVER sent a picture of myself in the nude. But I will admit to you know that I have sent men that have pressured me into it pictures of me in my bra. Now yes I felt pressured but I still took the pictures, I still sent them. 

Now obviously I have learnt from this but I just felt like I needed to share this with you. Basically guys please don't do what I did. Don't allow someone to worm their way in, yes you may have low self esteem but you are perfect, you don't need to have the approval of someone else to feel good about yourself. I just feel ashamed that I allowed people to manipulate me into doing what they wanted, I'm part of the blame though so physically it was my fault but mentally it was theirs. 

There it is. Something I've been keeping from you for a while. I understand if you look at me a little different but as someone who shares their whole life online, well I felt like this was the one thing you all needed to know.....

Saturday, 22 July 2017

A Breath Of Fresh Air |

Hello lovelies,
Well hello there, I've been taking some time away. Did I want to? No, no I did not. I just felt like I wasn't spreading a positive vibe around this place. It needed a tidy up, now that doesn't mean I'm clearing out the parts that are maybe a little personal. I just wanted a few weeks *whispers* (or months) away to just sort some stuff out.

Those who know me will be aware that I can be very up and down with my emotions. After a chat with a lady at work I'm finally realising that it is nothing to be ashamed of. So I take things to heart a little more, I feel a little more emotions that some of the people I surround myself with. It's a blessing and a curse but that's okay. 

Now I had an interview on Monday, sadly the job was glamorised a lot so that's no longer a thing. Saying that, I felt right. I felt like I had my life put together. I wore a lovely black dress from primark, my boots and had a nice bag. I feel like I was going places, like I had everything in order. The next day I went back to work, scragged my hair back into a messy bun. Put on my greasy hat and apron and began work. I don't think I will ever be a success in the world of business and stuff like that. Saying that, I want to feel like that again. 

It is very evident now that at work we have all given up. The heart of us is leaving, our wonderful manager is now leaving us and its killing me. I might not show it but I hate it. Shes the heart and soul of that place and now she's going, well I think now is when we are finally giving up. That does mean that I can start putting a lot more effort into this though. This is just a short post to get back into things. Now I've got a bit of a sort of OTT post to go up, it may make a few of you see me in a different light but I feel like I should share it. In a world of social media, dating sites and god knows what else I just think its time I was a little honest with you and just warn you of how some people sadly are and how they can sort of manipulate people into getting what they want.

Anyway........time for me to go and just get these posts sorted. I'm also hoping to have a nice little facetime later but we shall see what happens.

Monday, 3 July 2017

Hey | Sooooo

Hello lovelies,
Right, lets get down to business (To defeat.....the huns). The weekend just gone was shite. Yes, that shit it became shite. Now I'm not gonna sit and say I'm okay. I'm coping. I actually read the message that Lawson sent me. He's saved my life. I don't think he really gets that. He has. A mix of him and chummy have come together to save me. I can't express to them how because I don't really get it myself.

I guess between them they've just given me that love I needed. Together, the pair of best friends for years have saved me. The third one to their little friendship. I'm gonna just insert the message I got from Lawson. Ill blank out anything that's just between us or anything but maybe then you can see why he's saved me. I owe him my life and yes I don't see him a lot, he just has a way of making the world seem okay.

Message from the best pal |
Dude I don't know what's up but I want you to know that everything will work out whatever it is will work out - something good always comes out of something bad- maybe not right away but eventually you just need to stick it out - times will be hard and thing will get you down but you need to know that things get worse before they get better and if you feel this is the worst part then tomorrow is a new day and will get better and if you wake up tomorrow and don't feel better then you need to believe that it will, there is so much out there in the world, I don't know how you feel but ***************** most of the times you feel like you're stuck in one place and that there is no chance of ever getting out and you're gunna be stuck there forever but by holding on to one string of hope will help you get through it just need to focus and concentrate on what you want and go out and get it- yes it will be hard to do and will take time but it will do be worth it dude I have to believe you know that and will pool all your strength to push past this current state and be the you you need to be not for your parents, or friends or boyfriend or grandparent but for you you're the one that matters most to you and so many different people and dude you know if you want to talk drop me a text or a message and if not me Shannon or someone, he'll write it down in a book scribble it on the walls shout it out but don't bottle it up if something annoys or bugs you let it be known and it will help to clear your head and make things better xx.

That did it. Well that and messages from chummy. Dude you wont see this but I cant thank you enough. Chummy you will see this. We fight, we argue, we don't speak at times but still you're there. Like yesterday, you came and got me and took me away to cry. Considering you don't like tears, I'm thankful. I love you both lots. I've got one little bit of happy back, granted that happy lives a fucking long way away but for now the happy is back. You two bring my happy. I just need to take time and just process things in a different way.

Sunday, 2 July 2017

I Want To Know | Death

Hello my lovelies,
Most of you might have seen my twitter breakdown. I think I had that in life. I'm just tired. I want to know so many things. I want to know what it will feel like to draw my last breath. I want to know if it will hurt. I want to know if there's life after death. What happens to us when its all over. I want to know if it all stops hurting. I want to know if the metal pain just goes away. If for once I can feel the pain just go. To all of you I seem stupid. I seem like I'm attention seeking. Let me talk you through the weekend. On Saturday I tried to take my life again. I cut and cut and cut but it didn't work. The blood poured but I was still here. I fail in life as well as death so here I am. An in-between state. I don't feel alive. But I'm not dead. I don't feel right now. I haven't for a while. I can fake a lot. I can fake the smiles and the laughs.

Wow look at me, pouring my heart out to the inter-web. Its the only place I feel me anymore. I can't feel, I try. People assume this is all because of a boy. Its not. It was once, that's gone now. I felt like this before him and he was the one that sort of gave me the happiness and I don't think he knew just how much he was helping. It's becoming more and more evident to people at work that I'm self harming. They look but don't question, they ask other people. To them I attention seek. Today I cried non stop at work. I had a few panic attacks and I wanted to be anywhere else. One comment just sent my bawling. Thankfully chummy came, got me and took me away from it all. The joke of I could either work or just slit my throat to. Now we are a jokey department but that hurt. I was ignoring it because I know she wasn't meaning it. My lovely woman who I adore but then she joked and asked if I wanted to slit my throat. My eyes filled with tears and I just hurried behind the dishwasher. Chummy came and got me. I couldn't breathe because the tears were just taking over.

I just feel like no one gets that I just cant feel. I cant. People thing I've just been jumping from guy to guy. I haven't for fun, I just want to feel something. No not sex before you all jump to that. I want to feel loved, like I'm wanted. Like I'm not a burden. Not someone people have to fit in when they clearly have time for everyone else. I can barely get a message from some of my friends but everyone else gets the full attention. I get it. I was too late to the party of this friendship. The issue is I got into people lives too late, little foundations had already been set and I just don't fit in.

I'm tired of feeling this way. I just want to make it all stop. Well that's it. My heart on a screen for you, how its been for a while now. It seems fitting that I'm back here. Now that's why I've been away for so long. It seems like forever but now you know why. God, two suicide attempts and its not even August. I'm doing well aren't I. Its okay to laugh at that. I still want to make people laugh and smile, that's what I do. I'm the thing people go to when they want a giggle or advice. I can give to everyone else but myself. I can make people happy but I can't get the happy.

Well for now thats me. The professional daydreamer. I've been living in my daydream for so long but this has been a blast, its seems fitting for now I end this on the favourite doctor who regenerations, you've been fantastic. I don't want to go. I'll always remember when the doctor was me. I just wish I could regenerate into a happier person.