Sunday, 4 June 2017

Myself & Mental Health | Life's Got Bad Again

Hello lovelies,
It's just come to my attention that lately my blog has been very mental health based. This is the only space I can actually speak about everything in my head without feeling like I'm just being the annoying woman with "Problems".

My heads been a fucking mess for months, last month I tried to kill myself. You know no one asks if you're okay. They assume it was a silly thing but no one ever just asks, are you okay?. They say it in general but god forbid you tell them you're struggling mentally. I'm trapped in a world where I just feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. If anyone had bothered to ask me if I was okay, they would know full well that I'm not. They'd know that the suicidal feelings have in no way gone, I'm struggling to get through every single day yet I say nothing. 

In my head I look forward to tiny little events, to everyone else they seem so small and unimportant but to me that's what gets me through a day. Its the feeling that for one small moment in time, the world will stand still and I'll be happy for a small fragment of time. To some people I seem needy and I am. I don't think its wrong to want to see people you enjoy spending time with. 

Without ever admitting it I'm also someone who suffers from paranoia as well. The slightest change in tone, look or things like that send my mind into over drive. I hate it. The feeling like no one wants you around, like you get in the way, feeling like everyone is talking about you. And not because you want them to, when people say in the nicest respect not everythings about you. Yes its not. But my mind can't help jumping to conclusions, I won't apologise for paranoia because its a part of my personality. 

For me, the worst thing about having mental health problems is everyone, and I mean everyone just assumes I'm attention seeking or "just sad". Do you know how hard it is when you have a moment when you were happy but its like a cloud of darkness rushes over you. You go quiet to process it and to try and get out of it, you're whole body feels different because your mind has gone black and a wave of depression hits. They assume you annoyed at them, they assume you're just in a bad mood, they assume the worst. That's whats the worst thing for me, just because you cant see whats going on in my head does not mean its not there. 

Leading off of that, that's why I have scars. Sometimes its a way to get that pain out of my head and body, it doesn't hurt but it takes the pressure off. People see the scars and assume that I'm just attention seeking. I'm not. If anything that should be a sign of a cry for help that you know you cant get. No one ever asks how I am mentally. If someone has a cold or breaks their leg you as how they're doing and feeling. Does anyone do that for mental health, like fuck do they!

I don't know what my point was with this. I'm angry and I'm upset and I'm sorry but I can't speak to anyone about mental health without an eye roll. Its not even intentional but do you know how degrading it is if you say you're struggling and you get that. It makes me feel like shit, like I should push the feeling away and try and just cope. 

I cant anymore and I shouldn't have to. Its a lonely place in my head, it hurts and that's why I just give up. I give up trying to find the happiness. I smile and laugh but that doesn't mean I'm okay. That means I'm just very good at pretending.