Saturday, 6 May 2017

I'm done now. It's me that's the issue, I'm a spoilt person who thinks I can twist and force people. Well at least that's what I think now. I didn't realise that's what people thought of me. I don't intentionally do that but it's become clear now that it's me, I'm the issue that causes so much upset and pain. I'm not allowed to say how I feel because saying that makes me the bad person.

I tired so hard to not let it get to me, I've tried for months but finally it's gone too far. A few hours ago I tried and unfortunately failed. I'd tried to kill myself, alas stupid me couldn't even do that right. I got a razor, broke it so I had the blade and just sat in silence, my arm was the canvas that just ran with blood. It didn't hurt, I felt relief. Relief that I was finally managing to get what was in my head out. I then got a load of pills, alas I took them but ended up throwing them up. Well done me, failed at that as well. I messaged my best friend to say thank you for being there and for the laughs, he just thought I was going away. I couldn't tell him what was going on, I rarely see him but he understands or at least he tries to. My arm is now covered, the blood just dried up like I didn't even try. My head and my heart just hurt right now.

I sat in tears and didn't really know what to do. No ones to blame. No one. It's me that's the issue, it's me that causes the slightest problem for feeling a certain way. I'm done allowing myself to let it happen. I tried not to but it seems like I can't help it.

I manage to ruin everything else so it's not a surprise that I even failed to end all this pain. I think I'm attention seeking if you must but I can't do it anymore, I'm isolated now and I'm sick and tired of failing. I give up, you think I I'm at bitch, cool you think I'm spoilt, fine but I'm done allowing this it to happen anymore.