Tuesday, 11 April 2017

Am I Finally Ready To Go Home? |

Hello lovelies,
I've just got back from something that I sort of forgot means so much to me. A place that I once dreaded going at one stage of my life because I wanted to be free, I wanted to be able to do things that I was told were wrong. Going out into the world and actually living the life I thought I wanted has left me in nothing but pain. The silly times I've thought that a man was the answer to all of my problems. There's been something missing from my life for a while now. In no way am I saying I've found it again. I'm simply saying that maybe I want to look into something that I feel might be the missing piece. I saw people that I haven't seen in years and instead of judging me, they welcomed me with open arms like I was coming home.

I saw faces of my childhood best friends and I just got filled with so many happy memories of running around without any cares in the world. I walked in there expecting so many people to judge me. The member of what I like to call the lost children. The children that all grew up in an environment but all left, we all left to pursue the lives we thought we wanted. For some it worked perfectly but for me I just feel like maybe I need to look into it again. Maybe I want to go home. I walked through expecting people to look at me like a sinner, like someone who had no right to be there but instead I was welcomed with so much love. No judgement, a hug from the granddad of the children I used to play with. A reassuring smile from the lady I used to talk to just basically saying it was okay, I was safe and no one was going to judge. A gleeful smile from my uncle because I didn't expect to see me there. My aunts eyes looked so shocked and happy. My little cousins looked almost proud and it felt good. I felt like I was sort of meant to be there.

I'm not saying its for me, I'm saying that I'm starting to look back into it. Someone saw me and smiled, they came over and they looked down. They saw my scars, the little war wounds I like to think of my mentally scared head and heart. They just hugged me, at that point I felt a little fixed. Self harm, such a taboo subject that know one acknowledges, whenever I mention my mental health to anyone, the subject is changed. I'm seen as some attention seeker and no ones ever done that. Seen then, acknowledge what they mean and done that. Am I finally ready to go home? To me that is home, its a home I used to go to. It's where I grew up, my family are there. I need to look back into it, I need to see if it's something I want because for once in a very long time. The words I was hearing soothed me a little. They made me feel like there was some hope, like the person I've become isn't too late to change. It's something I'm going to look into and if I decide its what I want, well this might not be a thing anymore. I don't know who well they view socially publicising you're life online but I need to do what I feel like is right. Right now this feels right and no matter how many people I lose because of it, its time to maybe actually look into something that gives me more meaning that I have right now.