Tuesday, 28 March 2017

Life | It All Got Too Much

Hello lovelies,
I've been a little quiet on here. I could hide the reasoning but theres no point. Life just got far too much for me. I don't know how I let it all get that bad again. I'd managed to get myself onto a little path of self destruction again and I almost lost the most important person to me. She tried so hard to help me but my coping strategy was to push her away. I pushed everyone away and just thought I didnt need anyone. Turns out I did need them and after a lot of soul searching I finally let my guard down, I asked for that help.

If I'm honest it took snapping at two of my favourite people to slap some sense into me. The thought of those two hating me killed me a little. Now? Well now I'm feeling a little bit better in myself. I'm getting there, saying I'm fine is a lie. I'm struggling a little but I'm getting help that I need. Im feeling a little more myself but maybe I'm just having a good week. Coming to the realisation that I got played a little has helped, people can sweet talk but in the end everyones out for themselves. I don't blame them, I was just the wrong person to play. My brain can't just shake stuff off, I create a little connection and I will do everything in my power to keep it going.

I guess I let the opinion of everyone else poison my head a little, I do it a lot but this time I just got pushed so far to the edge that I didn't really know how to get back. Other times my confidence hasn't been knocked but this really did a number on me, I'm not as sure of myself as I once was. I think it's taking a little time for me to get back to my happy self. I'm very aware of myself for once and I'm finding it hard to open up to people, partly because one of the people I opened up to sort of just allowed it to maybe get one thing. Onwards and upwards though, theres no point dwelling on the past, life's moving far to quickly for me to be stuck in the past.

My aim right now is to just do things that make me happy, associate myself with the ones I love. Find happiness in every single moment, no matter how small. Life is too short for me to be stuck on one chapter. I've got the rest of the book to go and its unwritten, theres no say in what I have to do. It's time to write a new story, a massive plot twist that I think I really need.