Thursday, 30 March 2017

I'm Retreating |

Hello lovelies,
I think I'm done. I think everything has finally bubbled and boiled way to create this situation. I accept all the blame. I don't like what I've done but no amount of me trying is fixing it. I try but it seems I still unintentionally upset people. I think my life always is better in the long run if I just keep to my own bubble. Sharing the bubble with everyone else just means the person I am creates destruction wherever I go. 

I never meant it to be like this but its finally time to give up. I'm stopping trying now which some will be happy to hear. I said I'd stop online life, that's clearly a lie. Online life is where I feel safe, I'm behind a screen and some would say that's cowardly but its the only way my voice gets heard and I can project it to the few who read it. I can't really be sure of anyone now, I've changed and I will always be grateful for that but now is the time to go back to still a happy me, but a me that is sure of herself. Every avenue right now still seems so blurred. Something I was sure of has been broken down, all my fault of course. Things I was allowing myself to like the idea of seem a little unclear again. The upside to this is that I can't hurt anyone anymore. I can just stay hidden once more, I can go around and just bumble around with this odd little world I live in. In many ways I feel like Alice. I don't quite fit in reality, wonderland is where I'm better off. I can allow myself to just be me, nothing has to make sense but to me the online world is my wonderland. I can be sure of myself on here. It's like I can't hurt anyone and after months of unintentionally doing it, well that's a comforting thought to me. 

Happy is just a dead end street, at some point I have to turn back and go back to the person I was. Not saying I'll be unhappy, far from it. But for me happy means destructive. I like the happy medium where I'm never to sure how I am. Staying in that area doesn't hurt, its not going from one high to a massive low. Its just me floating around life doing what I do best. 

I'm unsure of where this post was meant to go. If anything this is me saying I'm done. I just wont try anymore and I think that's best. I'll leave you be. I just hurt people without knowing and I'm finally saying I wont anymore. I wont start the conversations, I wont try and make it better because my attempts just end up in more end. I'm signing off from reality and retreating back into the life I know and love so well.

This is me signing back into the world that created me, the online life that I know and love so much. Oh how I've missed this.