Thursday, 30 March 2017

Hello Old Friend |

|Hello lovelies,
I'm back. My life online is back in full swing, it used to be thriving all the time. Always full of my nonsense and ramblings. It seems like over the last year you've all been a little neglected. I didn't mean it but its like I was living. I was in reality for once and it felt good. It feels like I've been riding the waves, it was fun and something new but sometimes the waves get to much. The gentle push of the tide turned into a storm. I was that storm. I was the one that turned the gentle rock of the ocean into a thunderstorm that took prisoners. I made the crashing waves and I was also the one riding them. I'm now a little ship wrecked. The various paths in my life have all been cut off. I'm back here, a little isolated. One avenue was closed because I fucked up again. another avenue was something I felt a little sure of, something that I was just allowing myself to like the idea of. Even that's changed now, the excuses are coming in and for once I'm not sad about it. I'm glad. 

I just don't feel anything right now, the world used to feel like such a scary place but I can breathe again. I'm back in my little bubble that I worked hard to escape from, it wasn't a bubble of happiness or a care free life. I've realised it was a well crafted prison I had to put myself in, not to protect me. Sadly it was to protect others. I tell people the person I am now, that normally makes them run for the hills. It didn't with one and he sort of told me he'd be there. Even he's finding little excuses, I said look I don't care if you don't want this. That's cool, just tell me. Like we're busy people and maybe our lives are just to hectic for a storm like me to pass through. I was told no, of course I want this and I'll be there. Even that's just ended up with me just sat here like yep, another lie. 

What's worse is I'm all alone now, no one to turn to for help. I can see the shore but I have no way of reaching it, I'm stuck in the shipwreck and it's time to face up to that. I'm back on here for good. All other personal social medias are no longer. I can't allow myself the life I want because I just leave this path of destruction. I'm coming home and its been long overdue. It's time to let the online me, the real me flourish once more. This is what I want and I can't let real life take that hold on my again. All I ask is that if once person is reading this please know that I'm grateful that you got me out of it, you showed me how I could be happy and how I shouldn't let what others think of me get me down. Sadly in being your project I just hurt you and I'm sorry. Thankfully for you I'm not your issue anymore, I'm going back to what I do best and its been a long time coming.

I'm Retreating |

Hello lovelies,
I think I'm done. I think everything has finally bubbled and boiled way to create this situation. I accept all the blame. I don't like what I've done but no amount of me trying is fixing it. I try but it seems I still unintentionally upset people. I think my life always is better in the long run if I just keep to my own bubble. Sharing the bubble with everyone else just means the person I am creates destruction wherever I go. 

I never meant it to be like this but its finally time to give up. I'm stopping trying now which some will be happy to hear. I said I'd stop online life, that's clearly a lie. Online life is where I feel safe, I'm behind a screen and some would say that's cowardly but its the only way my voice gets heard and I can project it to the few who read it. I can't really be sure of anyone now, I've changed and I will always be grateful for that but now is the time to go back to still a happy me, but a me that is sure of herself. Every avenue right now still seems so blurred. Something I was sure of has been broken down, all my fault of course. Things I was allowing myself to like the idea of seem a little unclear again. The upside to this is that I can't hurt anyone anymore. I can just stay hidden once more, I can go around and just bumble around with this odd little world I live in. In many ways I feel like Alice. I don't quite fit in reality, wonderland is where I'm better off. I can allow myself to just be me, nothing has to make sense but to me the online world is my wonderland. I can be sure of myself on here. It's like I can't hurt anyone and after months of unintentionally doing it, well that's a comforting thought to me. 

Happy is just a dead end street, at some point I have to turn back and go back to the person I was. Not saying I'll be unhappy, far from it. But for me happy means destructive. I like the happy medium where I'm never to sure how I am. Staying in that area doesn't hurt, its not going from one high to a massive low. Its just me floating around life doing what I do best. 

I'm unsure of where this post was meant to go. If anything this is me saying I'm done. I just wont try anymore and I think that's best. I'll leave you be. I just hurt people without knowing and I'm finally saying I wont anymore. I wont start the conversations, I wont try and make it better because my attempts just end up in more end. I'm signing off from reality and retreating back into the life I know and love so well.

This is me signing back into the world that created me, the online life that I know and love so much. Oh how I've missed this.

Tuesday, 28 March 2017

Life | It All Got Too Much

Hello lovelies,
I've been a little quiet on here. I could hide the reasoning but theres no point. Life just got far too much for me. I don't know how I let it all get that bad again. I'd managed to get myself onto a little path of self destruction again and I almost lost the most important person to me. She tried so hard to help me but my coping strategy was to push her away. I pushed everyone away and just thought I didnt need anyone. Turns out I did need them and after a lot of soul searching I finally let my guard down, I asked for that help.

If I'm honest it took snapping at two of my favourite people to slap some sense into me. The thought of those two hating me killed me a little. Now? Well now I'm feeling a little bit better in myself. I'm getting there, saying I'm fine is a lie. I'm struggling a little but I'm getting help that I need. Im feeling a little more myself but maybe I'm just having a good week. Coming to the realisation that I got played a little has helped, people can sweet talk but in the end everyones out for themselves. I don't blame them, I was just the wrong person to play. My brain can't just shake stuff off, I create a little connection and I will do everything in my power to keep it going.

I guess I let the opinion of everyone else poison my head a little, I do it a lot but this time I just got pushed so far to the edge that I didn't really know how to get back. Other times my confidence hasn't been knocked but this really did a number on me, I'm not as sure of myself as I once was. I think it's taking a little time for me to get back to my happy self. I'm very aware of myself for once and I'm finding it hard to open up to people, partly because one of the people I opened up to sort of just allowed it to maybe get one thing. Onwards and upwards though, theres no point dwelling on the past, life's moving far to quickly for me to be stuck in the past.

My aim right now is to just do things that make me happy, associate myself with the ones I love. Find happiness in every single moment, no matter how small. Life is too short for me to be stuck on one chapter. I've got the rest of the book to go and its unwritten, theres no say in what I have to do. It's time to write a new story, a massive plot twist that I think I really need.

Friday, 10 March 2017

Youtube |

Hello lovelies,
Today I wanted to chat to you about YouTube. If you follow me on twitter then you may be aware that I've finally started using my channel. I'm not sure why I got that little push to do it but I am. I'm actually so happy that I'm using my YouTube channel now, it's nice to finally turn my blog into someone a little more personal.

Basically someone made me realise that life's to short. I spend so long trying to impress everyone else, waddling round and getting my heart broken is boring me. Yes I'm not lying anymore, I need someone in my life. I don't know why but I do. I crave someone in my life but I'm attached to a person that doesn't give two fucks about me. It's hard but now I'm trying to just focus on the blog and YouTube channel. If anything he's made me see that I can't change everything about myself for someone who isn't willing to get to know the real me. That means I've got the fuck it approach. Fuck what people think, fuck what they say because it's time for me to do what I love. It's time for me to actually start doing something that gives me a new purpose, a new vision. I'm actually loving making the videos and I can't wait to upload more. My channel currently has three subscribers, I know that's huuuuuuggggeeeeee! Haha. Look I know it's never going to be popular but I just don't really care, right now it's a very good confidence booster for me and a new creative outlet for me.

So if you want to see more then just click this little link and you shall be transported to my other little world online. In this one you can actually see just how boring my little life is 😂.