Thursday, 16 February 2017

Do I Need To Change |

Hello lovelies,
Life took a turn at the weekend. A bit of an off subject that for once I'm not actually going to go into. There's only two people who know the full story. Some would say I've been naive, I would agree but maybe its become very apparent that I need to make some changes. I never thought I was happy until last year. I gained people who gave me a fresh perspective of my little world, they popped the bubble I was in and surrounded me with so much love and support to be just who I am. 

The person I am includes a lot of quirks. I'm an awkward human when you very first meet me, you have to just break through with me and then I'm very chilled. My chummy would argue I have my moments but when you know me, well you sort of get to grips with how my mind actually works. I'm a full on Disney nerd that still runs around believing in the idea of fairy tales when in fact it's me running around like "love me love me" and guys going I can string this one along.  Granted I get myself into those situations but I work better in a pair. I always have done whether that be with friends or a potential boyfriend. I'm not sure why, I was quite a lonely child. Like I had my sister but because I was home schooled I got very used to my own company. Even at school I was always the add on, I think that's why I crave the presence of another person with me. I function better I think with someone else by my side, hence why me and chummy work very well. She's my best friend and other half. She gets my mind and what I've been through. 

Is it time though to hang up the Minnie ears and try the adult thing? I don't want to because it's not me. I live in the real world and do the adult things like pay bills, go to work and sort shit like that out. Someone said "Well if you cannot not be as awkward as you are then I wouldn't want you to escape from this bubble your in as its where you are comfortable". How do I take that? Like I'm awkward when I first meet people and I think that's natural with anyone new, if you actually wait for a bit you learn to see that that's a front. When I'm comfortable I'm the weirdest but chilled out person, granted I take things to heart but I'm quite fun when I'm comfortable. Do I need to change?

I spend my life in a daydream that much that I even branded myself a professional daydreamer as you all well know. I don't want to but maybe its time to get rid of the Disney side of me, finally grow up. I don't want to. I've got such a good balance right now, I'm an adult when I need to be but I still keep that Disney child in me alive. Another thing I think I need to work on is my appearance. I need to go to the gym, it's odd but I thought one thing that happened would be the reason why I wanted to lose weight. In fact that made me feel very good about my body, its the comment of well maybe you need a personal trainer to get you into it. I know it wasn't meant that way but I'm just conflicted right now.

It's just a hard situation to be in, my confidence is still there but I just feel like a shell of myself right now. I'm standing on the outside looking in, waiting there and going "well what am I supposed to change". You see I was one way for so long and it took a while for the ones I love the most to finally make me happy, finally make me feel good about myself. Do I need to change? Am I seriously letting a collection of men all merge together as one force that's going to change me. Like chummy said though "If he's not about putting the effort in then he doesn't deserve the non awkward stage that we all know and love". I guess I'm just so conscious now that it is me that's the issue and I feel very strong pressure to change that. I think if my life were playing out how I wanted then this might not be a massive thing. I guess I wanted life to be a little bit more sorted out. Blogging life is what I wanted to be a bit better. Granted I haven't been putting in the effort, I know I should be but when I get into this little state I find it hard. 

Basically I want to just be able to live my life a bit more cautiously, only for a while. I want my friends around me. I want my chummy, I want L. I want to just feel how I did last year. Me and chummy had a day of doing nothing and it was just perfect. The most exciting part of the week was seeing L. Yes sometimes he's hard to read but he's the only man I can trust. The only one I would do anything for and I always put him before most people, not that I'd tell him but its just hard that he's such a rarity in my life right now.