Thursday, 23 February 2017

Only Me | No One Else

Hello lovelies,
Do you ever feel the judgement from those you love the most? They are trying their best to make sure you know the right thing to do, they want to show you the love and lead you down the right path..........saying that sometimes it just feels like a never ending stream of judgement. I know that's not how it's coming out but the barriers in my head just go, well thats meant in a way that we are going to take badly. 

It's the little things, like when I finally realise something and then I tell people. I get the oh that's what we've all been saying, yeah I know that. It's not like I wasn't listening but surely it's only me that can come to that conclusion. Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Only I can be the one who is insane enough to do it over and over but at the end of the day, it's me who deals with it. Granted I can cry to people but it's me at the end of the day, me who deals with it and eventually I come to the conclusion that everyone else did. It just takes me a while and I just feel judged when people then sit and go, well I told you so.

I guess it's hard for people to see that you need to work things out on your own sometimes. They just want what's best for you and sometimes that just winds the other person up. I never mean it in a horrible way but when I already feel like shit, I know what I've done could have been avoided.......well the last thing I need is well thats what we all said. I understand that people only want what's best for me, the issue is I've always been a person that had to do do stuff for herself. I have to be the one that see's it.

Now right now in life I actually feel okay, I've found be productive side again. claiming that everything is perfect is a lie. It's far from that, life's bearable. I wish I had someone with me through all of this, truth be told I now function better on my own. I've tried so many times to work as a two but I'm just scared of getting hurt now. I don't want to try any more attempts at a relationship, I just want to focus on my blog and my channel. My world online has always seemed much better than real life, time to focus on the things thats make me happy.

Tuesday, 21 February 2017

Thank you | An Awkward One

Hello lovelies,
There was a guy. I know that you're all thinking "Oh another one", yes I know spare me the lecture. This one however actually meant something. Granted unfortunately that hasn't gone anywhere but this is more thank you to him. He won't ever see this but thank you. Thanks for making me feel special and wanted, there will always be more to this little story than I will have told people. It's a shame but some stuff I just want to keep for me. I know chummy will now think you're a slight dick, sorry about that but to be fair I was angry and maybe without realising it I blew some stuff out of context. She got told most of the stuff you said but little moments and stuff like that I will keep just for me. 

Basically this guy was my first. Yep not something I thought I'd post online but there we go, that happened and no I'm not going into detail on that. We're all adults here, and if we're not then ummm..........special adult cuddles. Please don't question me. Now some people have bad experiences when they lose their virginity, mine however was actually a good experience. He was aware that it was my first time and was very considerate of that, he made me feel like it was all about me and just made sure I was okay the whole time.

If anything this is a little thank you to him, not for that! This isn't going to be some soppy thing. It's more of a thing of thanks for not being a dick like everyone else. There will always be more than I tell even my best friends, chummy wont know the full story and for once I think I need to keep it just for me. Thanks for the late night face time calls when I needed to see you because I'd had a bad day. Thank you for the good morning and sweet dreams messages that put the biggest smile on my face. Maybe if things were done little differently then we might have had a chance, I'm to blame but then again so was he. I think it's the type of thing that if we had met when we were a little older and slightly more wiser to the world then we way have had some shot at it actually working.

Thursday, 16 February 2017

Do I Need To Change |

Hello lovelies,
Life took a turn at the weekend. A bit of an off subject that for once I'm not actually going to go into. There's only two people who know the full story. Some would say I've been naive, I would agree but maybe its become very apparent that I need to make some changes. I never thought I was happy until last year. I gained people who gave me a fresh perspective of my little world, they popped the bubble I was in and surrounded me with so much love and support to be just who I am. 

The person I am includes a lot of quirks. I'm an awkward human when you very first meet me, you have to just break through with me and then I'm very chilled. My chummy would argue I have my moments but when you know me, well you sort of get to grips with how my mind actually works. I'm a full on Disney nerd that still runs around believing in the idea of fairy tales when in fact it's me running around like "love me love me" and guys going I can string this one along.  Granted I get myself into those situations but I work better in a pair. I always have done whether that be with friends or a potential boyfriend. I'm not sure why, I was quite a lonely child. Like I had my sister but because I was home schooled I got very used to my own company. Even at school I was always the add on, I think that's why I crave the presence of another person with me. I function better I think with someone else by my side, hence why me and chummy work very well. She's my best friend and other half. She gets my mind and what I've been through. 

Is it time though to hang up the Minnie ears and try the adult thing? I don't want to because it's not me. I live in the real world and do the adult things like pay bills, go to work and sort shit like that out. Someone said "Well if you cannot not be as awkward as you are then I wouldn't want you to escape from this bubble your in as its where you are comfortable". How do I take that? Like I'm awkward when I first meet people and I think that's natural with anyone new, if you actually wait for a bit you learn to see that that's a front. When I'm comfortable I'm the weirdest but chilled out person, granted I take things to heart but I'm quite fun when I'm comfortable. Do I need to change?

I spend my life in a daydream that much that I even branded myself a professional daydreamer as you all well know. I don't want to but maybe its time to get rid of the Disney side of me, finally grow up. I don't want to. I've got such a good balance right now, I'm an adult when I need to be but I still keep that Disney child in me alive. Another thing I think I need to work on is my appearance. I need to go to the gym, it's odd but I thought one thing that happened would be the reason why I wanted to lose weight. In fact that made me feel very good about my body, its the comment of well maybe you need a personal trainer to get you into it. I know it wasn't meant that way but I'm just conflicted right now.

It's just a hard situation to be in, my confidence is still there but I just feel like a shell of myself right now. I'm standing on the outside looking in, waiting there and going "well what am I supposed to change". You see I was one way for so long and it took a while for the ones I love the most to finally make me happy, finally make me feel good about myself. Do I need to change? Am I seriously letting a collection of men all merge together as one force that's going to change me. Like chummy said though "If he's not about putting the effort in then he doesn't deserve the non awkward stage that we all know and love". I guess I'm just so conscious now that it is me that's the issue and I feel very strong pressure to change that. I think if my life were playing out how I wanted then this might not be a massive thing. I guess I wanted life to be a little bit more sorted out. Blogging life is what I wanted to be a bit better. Granted I haven't been putting in the effort, I know I should be but when I get into this little state I find it hard. 

Basically I want to just be able to live my life a bit more cautiously, only for a while. I want my friends around me. I want my chummy, I want L. I want to just feel how I did last year. Me and chummy had a day of doing nothing and it was just perfect. The most exciting part of the week was seeing L. Yes sometimes he's hard to read but he's the only man I can trust. The only one I would do anything for and I always put him before most people, not that I'd tell him but its just hard that he's such a rarity in my life right now.

Tuesday, 14 February 2017

Meeting My Blogging Best Friend | Lou's World

Hello lovelies,
Firstly I would just like to apologise for the lack of pots recently. Life seemed to be going at a million miles an hours, it was very good and I just sort of wanted to keep in that bubble for a little while. I'm sure you will hear all about that in due course. Now if you have been reading my bog for a while then you will know that me and and lovely writer of Lou's world are very close. My blogging best friend and for nearly 3 years we have been on hand to help each other out. Now that's mainly been her helping me out and I will always be so thankful for that.

Now its been nearly three years that I've known her and it just seemed like the time to finally meet her. Now luckily we both live in the UK so that made it a lot easier. Now we went for a nice little London day and it was just so perfect. Now obviously I go on lots of little adventures with my chummy but with Lou I can get really geeky and nerdy about blogs. Like she gets it a bit more, like sometimes I just feel like I bore my chummy with my blog chat sometimes. She listens of course but there was a day when I could be like hang on blog picture time and it wasn't annoying.

Now we went for a little trip to oxford street, granted it seemed like a pretty simple thing but yet we managed to get lost several times. I dragged her into the Disney store. They have the beauty and the beast section on display and I needed to see the perfection that was the rose. They also had the Moana section and of course I had to get a picture with the most sassy woman Disney have made. 


After Disney we just walked for a bit just to catch up with each other lives. Again I'm very sorry, I do chat a lot so I should have warned you. We then popped into Lush and I got to show her the heaven that if Lush Oxford Street.

After a trip into lush I dragged her a little more round London. I took her to my favourite little bakery that's tucked away in Soho. This is mine and chummy's favourite bakery and its one I introduced to her as well. Now I got the rolo cupcake and it was pure perfection. Of course I wasn't going to leave without a little something for chummy as well. Luckily this was the only time I've been and they've  done the unicorn cupcake. 

 After eating the most amazing cupcakes we attempted to find a wasterstones, books are where me and her feel most chilled out. Of course we need a good bookshop. Unfortunately I got us a little lost.......but after a while we gave up and just walked for a bit. We had a kerfuffle trying to find her bus stop but in the end we found it. After that we went out separate ways and I got a little lost on the way home.

It was honestly the most perfect day. It was freezing because it was snowing most of the day but I just felt so relaxed. It's the most chilled I've felt in months and I think its because I was in my element. Chatting with the girl that's been there for all of the blog. Since the very start and it was nice to finally see and hug the person that's helped me through some of the darkest parts of my life. Thanks for everything, next time I promise we wont get lost.

Wednesday, 1 February 2017

Monthly Favourites | January 2017

Hello lovelies,
It's very scary that January is already over. How has the past month gone so quickly? For once I'm actually being productive and getting shit done. This morning I've had a massive checklist to get through. To be fair I did have a rather good incentive for when I actually got through it. This was the little checklist and I'm please to say at this point there's only a small thing left to do. Obviously all but once are now ticked off my list. 

Now enough of that, if you actually want to stick around for this I think I should actually get on with this favourites post. There's been a few new ones that I've been loving.

Beauty |

My beauty favourite this month has been my shaving gel. An odd one to put in a favourite's post, I'm fully aware of that. I was going to mention a make up item but after having a make up free weekend I'm a little bit meh with it. I went away for the weekend and I had to shave my legs because I went swimming. Yes I am that woman who puts it off until my legs will be seen, basically I spend most of my life looking like chewbacca and being a strong independent mother fucker. Alas I actually had to shave my legs. I got the satin care for dry skin. It has shea butter in it so it made my legs feel so moisturised. Also with some shaving gels they make my legs really itch but this one actually made my skin feel the best its been in ages.

Book |
Not a book to ready this month. I've made a little book of happiness, I did a little post about my plan for this but its actually in action and I'm loving life. It's the perfect way to use my Moana journal and I'm loving it so far. It means I can actually have a little book dedicated to little saying that make me smile.

Music |
Castle on the hill by Ed Sheeran. He released two new songs and this one is just pure perfection. Shape of you is brilliant but castle on the hill just fills my mind with so many perfect little memories. I think its because to get to my favourite place you go through a lot of country lanes and it just makes me think of that.

Film |
Sing! It is the most perfect film about a singing contest for animals and I'm now in love with a gorilla called Johnny. What can I say he's got one hell of a voice and a quiff. Like I'm now obsessed with the soundtrack to this movie and I would highly recommend it to all of you.

Food |
My favourite food this month has been crumpets. My chummy will be like really, what can I say I'm just a little bit obsessed with them again. Like I just have a little bit of an obsession with them, they're like a little bread sponge.

Moment | 
This month hasn't been brilliant but I'm actually okay now and feeling so much better. I have a few but the day when my chummy came round with a happy meal and cheese bites. My favourite human knew how sad I had got a came round to cheer me up with a happy meal, chocolate milkshake and cheese bites. 

Well that's all my favourites for this month. I'll see you soon for another post.