Sunday, 29 January 2017

Mental health | I'm struggling

Mental health is something that I don't think enough people actually talk about. It's not easy talking about it to be honest. It's very hard to try and explain to someone the pain you feel on the inside because they can't see it. With physical pain it's easy for someone to see and understand, whereas mentally they just see it as possibly made up.

Being someone who suffers with my one mental health it's horrible trying to explain to the ones you love just what's going on inside your own head. To you it makes perfect sense and you feel the pain but to an outsider you look the same. You look okay, nothing wrong at all and some people just think it's an attention seeking thing. I can assure you it's not.

My mental health right now isn't great, when I say it isn't great I actually mean it's very bad. The past month has been rather tough for me, a lot of people have it much worse but for me personally it's been very tough. Now this will be a very big word vomit section to this post, much like normal but I need a space to put it all. It's easier for me to write it all down on here, at the minute my words are just letters arranged on a screen. My head right not is a mess. There's nothing inside right now. I can fake so many laughs and smiles but behind them all is just an empty space. That's very hard. I'm surrounded by people everyday and that means I have to put on the bubbly self, something that's becoming very hard to keep doing. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this, I just have to fill the space with general chit chat. I don't even feel like I can tell chummy, the one person who I should be able to talk to. I guess I'm very aware she's a very tough love person, something I love but this is just something I can't have tough love for. It's not a situation like oh a boy doesn't like me, it's everything that's going on in my head. I know she wouldn't be like that but I'm just so scared that I'll annoy her and she'll just worry.

I'm filling my time with music in the hope that it helps, sometimes it does but then I'm sucked back into reality. It's hard to even think about telling someone what's actually going on behind the scenes, how you literally feel nothing and when you do you cling to any piece of happiness you find. Random trips out that just fill you up with so much happiness, because in those few hours your escaping. You're feeling a little more you again but then at the end of the night it's just a lonely little world again. It's still me on my own at night with the most horrible thoughts running through my head. Some people see others with mental health issues as attention seekers. In no way is that true, if I went to someone with this I wouldn't be doing it for attention, I'd be talking to them as a last resort.......not in a horrible way but a way of I can't deal with this anymore, please help me. I find it hard to do that, chummy says when I get that bad to tell her but how would that conversation go, hi chummy just to let you know I'm pretty bad right and the urge to hurt myself is just to much, it feels like the only thing that will actually help right now. I just want to turn mental pain into physical pain because it somehow distracts me, I know that pain has been felt because there's a little mark to say I've acknowledged my own hurt when no one else can. Right now in life that's all I feel. I'm trying so hard not to do that because I know I shouldn't because I should talk instead of hurting myself. When I get sad because I can't see my friends it's not because I'm being selfish for their time, it's because they're the ones who without realising it have managed to build me up, give me a reason to live and make me happy. They know what I need and even if it's a 5 minute conversation with L that means everything to me. Last week I saw him for a few seconds at work and my day was transformed from the worst to the best. To everyone else that sounds so stupid but to me it was what I needed to get through the day.

I not really sure what the point of this post was, I think it's just hard sometimes for me to actually tell people. Basically right now in my life I'm at a point where every single day it's a struggle. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to walk round with a smile painted on my face when I just want to curl up and end it all. Think I'm attention seeking if you must but this is my life right now. It scares me and I don't really know what I'm going to be like from one day to another. That's why I've been so quiet on here. Most days I've been just getting home and just needing to zone out, to just escape reality for a few hours.

Well that's enough from me today, next week I'll try to actually get some proper posts up but for now please just bare with me.