Sunday, 29 January 2017

Mental health | I'm struggling

Mental health is something that I don't think enough people actually talk about. It's not easy talking about it to be honest. It's very hard to try and explain to someone the pain you feel on the inside because they can't see it. With physical pain it's easy for someone to see and understand, whereas mentally they just see it as possibly made up.

Being someone who suffers with my one mental health it's horrible trying to explain to the ones you love just what's going on inside your own head. To you it makes perfect sense and you feel the pain but to an outsider you look the same. You look okay, nothing wrong at all and some people just think it's an attention seeking thing. I can assure you it's not.

My mental health right now isn't great, when I say it isn't great I actually mean it's very bad. The past month has been rather tough for me, a lot of people have it much worse but for me personally it's been very tough. Now this will be a very big word vomit section to this post, much like normal but I need a space to put it all. It's easier for me to write it all down on here, at the minute my words are just letters arranged on a screen. My head right not is a mess. There's nothing inside right now. I can fake so many laughs and smiles but behind them all is just an empty space. That's very hard. I'm surrounded by people everyday and that means I have to put on the bubbly self, something that's becoming very hard to keep doing. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this, I just have to fill the space with general chit chat. I don't even feel like I can tell chummy, the one person who I should be able to talk to. I guess I'm very aware she's a very tough love person, something I love but this is just something I can't have tough love for. It's not a situation like oh a boy doesn't like me, it's everything that's going on in my head. I know she wouldn't be like that but I'm just so scared that I'll annoy her and she'll just worry.

I'm filling my time with music in the hope that it helps, sometimes it does but then I'm sucked back into reality. It's hard to even think about telling someone what's actually going on behind the scenes, how you literally feel nothing and when you do you cling to any piece of happiness you find. Random trips out that just fill you up with so much happiness, because in those few hours your escaping. You're feeling a little more you again but then at the end of the night it's just a lonely little world again. It's still me on my own at night with the most horrible thoughts running through my head. Some people see others with mental health issues as attention seekers. In no way is that true, if I went to someone with this I wouldn't be doing it for attention, I'd be talking to them as a last resort.......not in a horrible way but a way of I can't deal with this anymore, please help me. I find it hard to do that, chummy says when I get that bad to tell her but how would that conversation go, hi chummy just to let you know I'm pretty bad right and the urge to hurt myself is just to much, it feels like the only thing that will actually help right now. I just want to turn mental pain into physical pain because it somehow distracts me, I know that pain has been felt because there's a little mark to say I've acknowledged my own hurt when no one else can. Right now in life that's all I feel. I'm trying so hard not to do that because I know I shouldn't because I should talk instead of hurting myself. When I get sad because I can't see my friends it's not because I'm being selfish for their time, it's because they're the ones who without realising it have managed to build me up, give me a reason to live and make me happy. They know what I need and even if it's a 5 minute conversation with L that means everything to me. Last week I saw him for a few seconds at work and my day was transformed from the worst to the best. To everyone else that sounds so stupid but to me it was what I needed to get through the day.

I not really sure what the point of this post was, I think it's just hard sometimes for me to actually tell people. Basically right now in my life I'm at a point where every single day it's a struggle. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to walk round with a smile painted on my face when I just want to curl up and end it all. Think I'm attention seeking if you must but this is my life right now. It scares me and I don't really know what I'm going to be like from one day to another. That's why I've been so quiet on here. Most days I've been just getting home and just needing to zone out, to just escape reality for a few hours.

Well that's enough from me today, next week I'll try to actually get some proper posts up but for now please just bare with me.

Tuesday, 24 January 2017

Book Of Happiness |

Hello lovelies,
The weekend wasn't great for me but I'm not sad. I'm angry more than anything. Odd for me because anger normally isn't my thing, I'm just passionately sad. Anyway after a few wise words from my best friend, I think I'm okay. Well okay as can be. No I went to see Moana again on Sunday and it's definitely now my favourite Disney film. There is a point to this I promise. 

I find a lot of comfort in lyrics or sayings. Even when someone talks to me, I find comfort in what they say. Basically L is the best for worst of advice and I want somewhere I can keep all that. For the days when it feels like I want the world to swallow me up. The times when I need something to give me that boost to keep going. Now I have a Moana journal that I adore. Normally I wouldn't use it, I do that when I get a lovely notebook. I hate using it. That means I've hoarded so many notebooks. 

I have such a love for Moana for so many reasons, its just such a perfect film for me. No happy even afters with a handsome prince, she doesn't need saving from a man. She doesn't expect to, she wants to do it all on her own. Moana is a strong independent woman and my god I've learnt a lot from this Disney character. I want my moana journal to be filled with my favourite quotes, little words of encouragement from my best friends and just a place for every little positive thing. Things like that do me a lot of good. I'm not sure why but I just feel very uplifted and right now I need it. I need to be able to just have that time to cool off and be like its okay. 

It's such a simple thing but I actually cant wait to start this little book. My life right now is basically me trying to deal with a lot of anger. This will be very good for me, a chance to just put my energy and focus into a happiness project. I'm sure I'll show you'll when I have finished this little book of happiness.

Wednesday, 18 January 2017

Time Away |

Hello lovelies,
Life right now seems rather sweet. Everything feels likes it's slowly clicking into place and its just like I've finally done some growing up. I know what I need now, the weekend just made everything a hell of a lot clearer.

Most of you know that I went away for the weekend. It was the most perfect little get away. Me and my chummy had a bit of a tiff on the Friday, my fault but I think maybe we were both maybe not in the wrong, but I think sometimes we just need to see it from the others point of view something we both know now. I over reacted though so it was mainly my fault. I needed that time to just relax with my family and get back to who I actually am. Chummy said I'm like Tafiti, I can basically be an angry bitch but when someone puts the heart back in me.....I just become me again. The hearts been gone from me for a while, its not been great but I just go through that sometimes. The hearts back in me in every aspect and life couldn't be better. Lets just go through the aspects that are making me so happy right now.

Family |
The weekend away with my family was just perfect. I needed that time to be cut off from everyone, even chummy. Granted we were arguing but for the most of the time my phone stayed in the chalet and I just had some time away from the world. It was just perfect to be strolling through the forest with the people who are my world. 

Three of them are the people who've raised me, granted my dad had to stay home but my mum, aunt and uncle have all raised me. Mum more but they've played a very big part in my world. My little cousin grabbed my hand, she wasn't talkative because she was tired but after a few minutes she just looked up and said "I love you Chloe". It was then that I realised my focus has been the wrong people. That sounds bad but my family are the ones who have been my main reason for everything I do. 

My heart melted a little because this little human had said the simplest most complex thing. She loves me. This is the little girl I would do anything for, much like the rest of them. On the Saturday I was that sleepy that I fell asleep on the sofa, my uncle came over and tucked a blanket round me.......he just said "Sorry sweetie, I didn't want you to get cold". Its little things like that that show me just who matters in this crazy world.

Friends |
Friendships are something I used to struggle with. I'm still no the best, I think me and my chummy are arguing more. We always sort it out but we both know it's because we spend so much time together. We're constants in each others lives which I love but we've both agreed that if we need space from each other then that's okay. I need to learn stuff and I think that's okay, she knows I never mean it but this weekend was to real. It felt like I was losing her and after a big heart to heart on Sunday we are back to normal. Like she said, we cant be the old couple who are questionably lesbian without any arguments. L, well he checks in every now and then but I'm pretty much used to him being a rare person to see. I still love him to pieces and would drop anything to see him, just the time we do see each other seems a little bit more special.

Love |
I'm happy. Very much happy right now. I've spent so long looking for what I thought I wanted, turns out the one I needed was still waiting for me and he's everything I want and more........ and I'm very much happy with life right now. I'm taking things very slowly but lets just say that guy I thought was the one........he's gone. That was nothing and what I'm feeling now, this feels real. No matter what happens this time in my life just is so nice. 

Work |
Works shit as ever but stuffs happened that's made me realise that yes its a bad job but the love everyone has for everyone is beyond what it should be. They actually care and over the last few weeks it feels like the hearts been ripped from it a bit, as hard as it is I think every ones getting there. I need to appreciate that most of them aren't just colleagues, some of them are good friends now.

Mental |
mentally I'm in such a better place. The two things thing the day does with me at work has worked so well. She even said the other day how happy she is that my two things are getting better and better each day. I think she knows I struggle sometimes but just don't like saying, doing this makes me see more positively and its been such a good thing for my mental health. I'm so thankful she started it.

Friday, 13 January 2017

It's not mine anymore |

Hello lovelies,
Basically today's going to be very short because I'm gong away for the weekend. A much needed break away from everyone. Sometimes I wish this blog was still anonymous. I could say and do what I wanted without consequences. I had the right to say how I felt and people accepted that that was my view of things, maybe not what was happening but how I felt. I share my whole life with all of you and I don't mind. I enjoy it. I just feel like this isn't mine anymore, I don't have the power to say what I feel without feeling like I'm in the wrong. How weird is that, I don't care about the world seeing my tweets but I feel like I can't say how I feel because a few people I know personally can see it. Sometimes I just wish this was still my little secret, I just can't win. I'm keeping off twitter now. There's no point using it because everything I say or have a view on seems to be wrong. Now some sites will post when I pop up a new blog post but that's it. I'm done using the one thing that I loved to use to vent to the world. It's not mine anymore so I just need to let it go.

Well I'm off for the most perfect weekend with my family. Away from everything and I think it's just what I need.

Lots of love,
Chloe xxx

Wednesday, 11 January 2017

Monthly Favourites | November and December 2016

Hello lovelies,
I've been a pretty terrible blogger because I still haven't done my November and December favourites. If I'm honest the time just flew by and I never found time. I'm merging both of them because I basically had the same favourites anyway. I do hope that's okay. So shall we actually get on with this?

Beauty |
My beauty favourite was the maybelline master sculpt kit. I attempted contouring and it didn't work well at first, I think I'm actually getting the hang of it now. This has been my favourite for both months because I think it just shapes my face a little bit more. Granted I'm not the best at it yet but I'm having alt of fun trying new make up looks and trying to make my face look a little slimmer.

TV Show |
This has to be baby daddy. I've become little but obsessed with this show and have found myself binge watching it daily. I just think it's so good and I love the storyline of each episode. If you haven't seen it yet then I would suggest you all go and watch it.

Book |
I've actually been loving the Winnie the pooh books. That sounds very silly but they just make me feel so at home and happy with the world. I guess I just want to feel like I'm me again and those books are everything to me. My nickname at home is Pooh bear so he always holds a special little place in my heart.

Food |
It had to be pigs in blankets only because it was Christmas time. They're like my favourite thing for the whole of December. There are like the most perfect thing. 

Drink |
I've had such a craving for juice....I'm not sure why but apparently I've just wanted a lot of apple juice  for some reason. I know that's a very weird thing to pop in a favourites post but that's just something that's been top priority.

Moment |
My favourite moment has to be just time with my family. It's been nice to just get to have some down time with them. Its just been so nice to just spend some time with them, have cuddles on the sofa while watching a film. Playing games and catching up with ever little detail of their lives.

Now I'm aware just how shit that post was but Ive got a pretty busy week so writing was the last thing on my mind. Sorry guys.

Thursday, 5 January 2017

New Years Resolutions |

Hello lovelies,
New years resolutions are something that I never really used to make. It would aways be the same and I never really stuck to them. My main one has always been the lose weight. It was one of mine last year and I managed to lose a few stone. Now this year I still want to lose a little weight but my main one is so much more important to me and my mental health.

Last year I spent most of my time focusing on the happiness of everyone else. That also meant it made happy but being the one who's constantly trying to fix everyone else is hard. Who's fixing my problems? No one. Everyone else has their own lives and that's great but if no one else is going to try and make me happy or solve my problems then I'm going to have to do it by myself. This is the year for me to focus on me, what makes me happy and what I want. Have I finally grown up? I don't care of the opinion of everyone else because they are not me. If they think somethings a bad idea, it might be but if it makes me happy then surely I should just go for it. There will always be stuff I hold back and that's for good reason. Secrets have a way of getting out and there's only one person I know that hasn't shared those secrets. 

I don't care that people know some stuff but I just need to be more trusting of my own judgement. I'm fully capable of making my own decisions but I just need to be more trusting of my own mind. I think I've let other peoples opinions hold me back just a little, that's okay because at the time I wanted them. Looking at it now that's what there perception was if it was them. It wasn't, it was me. I think I just need to remember that as long as I'm happy, why on earth should I let other people drag me down. Like the woman at work said, why let the opinions of someone hold you back from happiness. 

This year I'm aiming for pure happiness, that's with everything. Family, friends, work and just pure happiness in general. Sometimes things will seem a little difficult but as long as I know what I want then it will all be fine. I've also got so much planned this year, I have busted and Adele to look forward to. I also have the most exciting thing that this year me and my best blogging friend are finally planning to me. We've both been typing away online for nearly 3 years and I can't wait to see the one person who's been there for everything. It's very odd to think that's she's been part of my life for this long. We even made the big step of adding each other on our personal face book's. I just think theres so much that goes on in our lives that sometimes is hard to find time to talk, this way we can stalk each other to see whats been happening with the other.

I'm not saying this is going to be the most amazing year. I'm just saying I think I've finally learnt that I'm the most important in life. Not in a selfish way but I need to come first. I need learn that no one else can fix me. It's not their job but sometimes its nice to feel like people are trying, anyway I'm bored of waiting and the only one who can make me happy now is me.

Tuesday, 3 January 2017

Adult Life | Pros and Cons

Hello lovelies,
Adult life used to always baffle me when I was slightly younger. I always thought when I was an adult, I'd be this sophisticated lady who had her shit together and knew how to tackle life. Fast forward to the current me and I'm barely managing that.

To me I had such an odd perception of what it meant to be an adult, not sure why but I always felt like being an adult was always so much better. At the very naive age of 19 I like to think that I've already learnt some of the pros and cons of this odd little thing people call adulthood. So let's have a little look at what my idea of the pro's and con's are but how the contrast each other. Each little point is what I saw as a pro but is in fact a bad point.

No bed time |
An odd little one but when I was younger I always thought the not having a bedtime was the coolest thing. My mum and dad could tell me what time to turn my telly off and what time to actually settle down to sleep. In reality its now me staying up until 2 or 3am scrolling through videos on YouTube and getting distracted by the Yoda seagulls video. That also means that when I have to be up at 4 this all back fires on me, meaning I then spend the day like a groggy with because I'm tired.

Drinking alcohol |
I always thought I would feel so grown up being able to legally drink alcohol. Turns out when I drink alcohol I can't work out when I've had enough. That means I then because an adult that's a little wobbly on my feet, a bit out of it and not really sure why on earth I chose to drink. Its a cycle that I don't really want to repeat again. Me and alcohol just aren't a good mix anymore.

Jobs |
The idea of having a job always seemed like the most adult thing. Going out and earning my own money to be able to pay for nice things and move out. In reality I work in a supermarket, no where near moving out because I'm not full time, even if I was it wouldn't be enough. Also the fact that I spend more at my job than anywhere else is just a slightly depressing thought.

I can vote |
But who the fuck do I vote for when the whole political system in my country is basically a massive joke. Every party just acting like its a popularity contest when it should be about whats best for the people in the country. Also the fear that if you don't vote, the vote police will be after me for not choosing a silly side.

Doctors |
Having to make your own appointments at the doctors even thought when you went the you were little your mum would do all the talking. Basically my life's just me going well I hope I don't die and when I need to book an appointment I don't really know what to do or say. There's no mummy to look at for the answers.

Well I hope you liked that little post. Im planning on posting Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. We all know what I'm like and that will probably change.