Saturday, 5 August 2017

Telling My Parents About My Mental Health | Huge Mistake

Hello lovelies,
Now we all know by now that I struggle with stuff in my head. I had enough and knew that the only person that could help me was my aunt. Not in a horrible way because my chummy has been the best, my aunt just gets it because she's been through it. Now I wrote her out a letter telling her everything, the self harm, the suicide attempts any every other little detail you all know. My mum wouldn't stop badgering me this week about what was wrong. I just handed her the letter in tears and said " Look I don't want to talk, if you read it just listen, don't ask me about it and don't tell anyone". Five minutes later my dad knew and they were both outside my door saying I need doctors, saying that we need to talk. What didn't they get about "I'm not ready to talk about this". 

Now I found this picture online, not my own but it sums up how I feel.


I get it was a lot for them but it wasn't meant for them. It was meant for the one woman that I trust with my life, the woman who knows me inside and out. She knows me better than I know myself and she to me, is the voice of reason. I shut myself away and the way my room works is....I have a bolt on my side and a key that works on both sides. I slid the bolt across because I wanted to be on my own. I told them I wanted to be on my own. After telling my mum what had been going on I wanted to hide away from the world. I had my dad smashing on the other side telling me he'd break the door down. Did I need that? No. I went to leave for work, oh yeah I had a shift in the evening so this all happened at the most awkward time. He had locked me in. He had used his key and locked me in there like I was monster. Like I shouldn't be let out. Luckily I had my key so could just let myself out. I put my earphones in and just ran off. I didn't drive because I saw no point, I was in no fit state to be behind the wheel.

I got to work and saw my manager, she looked at me and I started bawling like a baby. Like she normally does, she sent me to the cupboard that has been many a woman shed man a tear. I told her everything and she just cuddled me. She had the reaction I needed. She was calm and knew that that's the way to handle me. I didn't want to bother chummy with it, she was having a nice day with her boyfriend and I knew hearing about her day would cheer me up.

I guess I thought that if I told my parents it would be like the scene on inside out when Riley breaks down and just tells her parents how she feels. They come together as a family unit. Nope, my experience of telling my parents about my mental health was nothing like that. It was messy and now we're not speaking. I told my aunt everything while she was at the zoo today, trying to enjoy her last day on holiday but she was there. She helped me see reason. She did what I needed. She handled in how it should have been handled and I'm just so thankful she's there for me. She said "Bubba you're not mine but you know you're like one of my kids, I'm sorry you've been feeling like this but I understand and we can work this out. When you're ready we can talk. For now pack a bag and when we get home come and stay with us for a bit, love you lots bubba".



I'm now a bit of a mess. I guess mental health has such a stigma attached to it that people don't know how to handle it. I'm just so thankful that my best friend has been so good with me, she's dealt with mood swings, bitchiness that was not needed and still been there. Chummy you are one in a million and I'm sorry I've put you through all this. My aunt, well thank you. Thank you for knowing how I needed this to be dealt with. Thank you for just accepting it and going, yep its okay. Mum and dad, the way you acted makes me not trust you. That's okay. This family has been broken for so long, for so long you put all your worries into the child that did nothing but cause you trouble. If you'd have looked a little closer maybe you might have realised that I needed you and the reason for half this pain was her. 

Anyone else told family and had this reaction? How did you deal with it? I just need to try and make sense of whats happened now. I'll be at my aunts for at least tonight but maybe a bit longer if needs be. I'm just thankful that today my favourite workers were in to cheer me up. I needed them so much today. I needed chummy to just be silly with me, I needed my doe eyed woman to just be her and I needed the guy I work with to be on top from in his playful mood.


Monday, 31 July 2017

I'm Coming Home | Back To Blogging

Hello my lovelies,
It's been very evident that I have been away for a while. While I've been here I haven't really been here fully, I've been focused on real life and trying but failing to make people happy. I'm finally done doing that, my brains a bit too much for the real world and I think its time I focused more on my online world. 

So what's been happening? Well Today I wrote out a letter for my aunt explaining everything, like mental health stuff that I just feel like I can't tell anyone. It feels like I just burden people with it but I feel like if anyone will be able to help, its her. She's my world and I think she's the one who can get me out of this little destructive path I've been on.

I've come to terms with the fact that maybe I just will have a a pretty basis life. Theres nothing wrong with that. I'm finally stopping the quest for Mr Right. I don't really want him now, I want to focus on me. I need to focus on me. Running around looking for someone to love me, someone to cover the cracks just isn't going to help. I get to view a lot of "perfect" couples but that's good for them. I just know realistically I've always been better on my own. I work better alone, I'm more creative and I think in control more. I'm an easily controlled person in an environment of humans but when I'm on my own I can deal with life without having to rely on people which is something I become dependant on.

I guess I'm just a little lost at the minute but by getting back to blogging, it feels like I'm coming home. I'm back to what makes me happy. I can breathe again without fear of judgement because there is always someone out there that gets it. Someone to just sit and pour your heart out to who will just listen. Theres no obligation for them to do it, they just do.



Right now I'm spending my nights snuggled up with books, writing new things, learning new things and just snuggling up to Simba. I'm back now and I want to throw myself back into it like I used to. This was created for a reason and I want to get back to that.




Wednesday, 26 July 2017

Boobs, Body and Backlash |

Hello lovelies,
Odd post today but I feel like as someone who spends most of my life online I can't shy away from this. I feel like I've made mistakes and sadly some of those do involve my boobs and my body. Before you judge I want you to take the time to read this.

Now its no secret that I like to use tinder. I don't use it for sex, if you do that's great. Good for you. As long as its between two consenting adults then why not? Now I get talking to people, they earn my trust which is something I have to learn not to give out. Being a woman that has very low self esteem means its easy for people to manipulate their way into getting what they want. 

They tell me I'm beautiful, that my size doesn't matter, that they like certain parts of my look. Now I'm sad to admit that a few of those people have wormed there way into what they want. Now I'm ready for my friends to just disown me at the next part but its time to be straight with you. Now a few people have played the you're beautiful, have you got snapchat bullshit. Now I'll chat to them for a while on there, sent stupid pics of me with filters of unicorns, flower crowns and things like that. Then after a while they'll snap me, they asked for pictures of more. I said no, they said please its just between us. They made me trust them, they made me feel confident. They made me feel like there was something between us. Now before the alarm bells ring I have NEVER sent a picture of myself in the nude. But I will admit to you know that I have sent men that have pressured me into it pictures of me in my bra. Now yes I felt pressured but I still took the pictures, I still sent them. 

Now obviously I have learnt from this but I just felt like I needed to share this with you. Basically guys please don't do what I did. Don't allow someone to worm their way in, yes you may have low self esteem but you are perfect, you don't need to have the approval of someone else to feel good about yourself. I just feel ashamed that I allowed people to manipulate me into doing what they wanted, I'm part of the blame though so physically it was my fault but mentally it was theirs. 

There it is. Something I've been keeping from you for a while. I understand if you look at me a little different but as someone who shares their whole life online, well I felt like this was the one thing you all needed to know.....


Saturday, 22 July 2017

A Breath Of Fresh Air |

Hello lovelies,
Well hello there, I've been taking some time away. Did I want to? No, no I did not. I just felt like I wasn't spreading a positive vibe around this place. It needed a tidy up, now that doesn't mean I'm clearing out the parts that are maybe a little personal. I just wanted a few weeks *whispers* (or months) away to just sort some stuff out.

Those who know me will be aware that I can be very up and down with my emotions. After a chat with a lady at work I'm finally realising that it is nothing to be ashamed of. So I take things to heart a little more, I feel a little more emotions that some of the people I surround myself with. It's a blessing and a curse but that's okay. 

Now I had an interview on Monday, sadly the job was glamorised a lot so that's no longer a thing. Saying that, I felt right. I felt like I had my life put together. I wore a lovely black dress from primark, my boots and had a nice bag. I feel like I was going places, like I had everything in order. The next day I went back to work, scragged my hair back into a messy bun. Put on my greasy hat and apron and began work. I don't think I will ever be a success in the world of business and stuff like that. Saying that, I want to feel like that again. 



It is very evident now that at work we have all given up. The heart of us is leaving, our wonderful manager is now leaving us and its killing me. I might not show it but I hate it. Shes the heart and soul of that place and now she's going, well I think now is when we are finally giving up. That does mean that I can start putting a lot more effort into this though. This is just a short post to get back into things. Now I've got a bit of a sort of OTT post to go up, it may make a few of you see me in a different light but I feel like I should share it. In a world of social media, dating sites and god knows what else I just think its time I was a little honest with you and just warn you of how some people sadly are and how they can sort of manipulate people into getting what they want.

Anyway........time for me to go and just get these posts sorted. I'm also hoping to have a nice little facetime later but we shall see what happens.


Monday, 3 July 2017

Hey | Sooooo

Hello lovelies,
Right, lets get down to business (To defeat.....the huns). The weekend just gone was shite. Yes, that shit it became shite. Now I'm not gonna sit and say I'm okay. I'm coping. I actually read the message that Lawson sent me. He's saved my life. I don't think he really gets that. He has. A mix of him and chummy have come together to save me. I can't express to them how because I don't really get it myself.

I guess between them they've just given me that love I needed. Together, the pair of best friends for years have saved me. The third one to their little friendship. I'm gonna just insert the message I got from Lawson. Ill blank out anything that's just between us or anything but maybe then you can see why he's saved me. I owe him my life and yes I don't see him a lot, he just has a way of making the world seem okay.

Message from the best pal |
Dude I don't know what's up but I want you to know that everything will work out whatever it is will work out - something good always comes out of something bad- maybe not right away but eventually you just need to stick it out - times will be hard and thing will get you down but you need to know that things get worse before they get better and if you feel this is the worst part then tomorrow is a new day and will get better and if you wake up tomorrow and don't feel better then you need to believe that it will, there is so much out there in the world, I don't know how you feel but ***************** most of the times you feel like you're stuck in one place and that there is no chance of ever getting out and you're gunna be stuck there forever but by holding on to one string of hope will help you get through it just need to focus and concentrate on what you want and go out and get it- yes it will be hard to do and will take time but it will do be worth it dude I have to believe you know that and will pool all your strength to push past this current state and be the you you need to be not for your parents, or friends or boyfriend or grandparent but for you you're the one that matters most to you and so many different people and dude you know if you want to talk drop me a text or a message and if not me Shannon or someone, he'll write it down in a book scribble it on the walls shout it out but don't bottle it up if something annoys or bugs you let it be known and it will help to clear your head and make things better xx.

That did it. Well that and messages from chummy. Dude you wont see this but I cant thank you enough. Chummy you will see this. We fight, we argue, we don't speak at times but still you're there. Like yesterday, you came and got me and took me away to cry. Considering you don't like tears, I'm thankful. I love you both lots. I've got one little bit of happy back, granted that happy lives a fucking long way away but for now the happy is back. You two bring my happy. I just need to take time and just process things in a different way.




Sunday, 2 July 2017

I Want To Know | Death

Hello my lovelies,
Most of you might have seen my twitter breakdown. I think I had that in life. I'm just tired. I want to know so many things. I want to know what it will feel like to draw my last breath. I want to know if it will hurt. I want to know if there's life after death. What happens to us when its all over. I want to know if it all stops hurting. I want to know if the metal pain just goes away. If for once I can feel the pain just go. To all of you I seem stupid. I seem like I'm attention seeking. Let me talk you through the weekend. On Saturday I tried to take my life again. I cut and cut and cut but it didn't work. The blood poured but I was still here. I fail in life as well as death so here I am. An in-between state. I don't feel alive. But I'm not dead. I don't feel right now. I haven't for a while. I can fake a lot. I can fake the smiles and the laughs.

Wow look at me, pouring my heart out to the inter-web. Its the only place I feel me anymore. I can't feel, I try. People assume this is all because of a boy. Its not. It was once, that's gone now. I felt like this before him and he was the one that sort of gave me the happiness and I don't think he knew just how much he was helping. It's becoming more and more evident to people at work that I'm self harming. They look but don't question, they ask other people. To them I attention seek. Today I cried non stop at work. I had a few panic attacks and I wanted to be anywhere else. One comment just sent my bawling. Thankfully chummy came, got me and took me away from it all. The joke of I could either work or just slit my throat to. Now we are a jokey department but that hurt. I was ignoring it because I know she wasn't meaning it. My lovely woman who I adore but then she joked and asked if I wanted to slit my throat. My eyes filled with tears and I just hurried behind the dishwasher. Chummy came and got me. I couldn't breathe because the tears were just taking over.

I just feel like no one gets that I just cant feel. I cant. People thing I've just been jumping from guy to guy. I haven't for fun, I just want to feel something. No not sex before you all jump to that. I want to feel loved, like I'm wanted. Like I'm not a burden. Not someone people have to fit in when they clearly have time for everyone else. I can barely get a message from some of my friends but everyone else gets the full attention. I get it. I was too late to the party of this friendship. The issue is I got into people lives too late, little foundations had already been set and I just don't fit in.

I'm tired of feeling this way. I just want to make it all stop. Well that's it. My heart on a screen for you, how its been for a while now. It seems fitting that I'm back here. Now that's why I've been away for so long. It seems like forever but now you know why. God, two suicide attempts and its not even August. I'm doing well aren't I. Its okay to laugh at that. I still want to make people laugh and smile, that's what I do. I'm the thing people go to when they want a giggle or advice. I can give to everyone else but myself. I can make people happy but I can't get the happy.

Well for now thats me. The professional daydreamer. I've been living in my daydream for so long but this has been a blast, its seems fitting for now I end this on the favourite doctor who regenerations, you've been fantastic. I don't want to go. I'll always remember when the doctor was me. I just wish I could regenerate into a happier person.

Sunday, 4 June 2017

Myself & Mental Health | Life's Got Bad Again

Hello lovelies,
It's just come to my attention that lately my blog has been very mental health based. This is the only space I can actually speak about everything in my head without feeling like I'm just being the annoying woman with "Problems".



My heads been a fucking mess for months, last month I tried to kill myself. You know no one asks if you're okay. They assume it was a silly thing but no one ever just asks, are you okay?. They say it in general but god forbid you tell them you're struggling mentally. I'm trapped in a world where I just feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. If anyone had bothered to ask me if I was okay, they would know full well that I'm not. They'd know that the suicidal feelings have in no way gone, I'm struggling to get through every single day yet I say nothing. 

In my head I look forward to tiny little events, to everyone else they seem so small and unimportant but to me that's what gets me through a day. Its the feeling that for one small moment in time, the world will stand still and I'll be happy for a small fragment of time. To some people I seem needy and I am. I don't think its wrong to want to see people you enjoy spending time with. 

Without ever admitting it I'm also someone who suffers from paranoia as well. The slightest change in tone, look or things like that send my mind into over drive. I hate it. The feeling like no one wants you around, like you get in the way, feeling like everyone is talking about you. And not because you want them to, when people say in the nicest respect not everythings about you. Yes its not. But my mind can't help jumping to conclusions, I won't apologise for paranoia because its a part of my personality. 

For me, the worst thing about having mental health problems is everyone, and I mean everyone just assumes I'm attention seeking or "just sad". Do you know how hard it is when you have a moment when you were happy but its like a cloud of darkness rushes over you. You go quiet to process it and to try and get out of it, you're whole body feels different because your mind has gone black and a wave of depression hits. They assume you annoyed at them, they assume you're just in a bad mood, they assume the worst. That's whats the worst thing for me, just because you cant see whats going on in my head does not mean its not there. 

Leading off of that, that's why I have scars. Sometimes its a way to get that pain out of my head and body, it doesn't hurt but it takes the pressure off. People see the scars and assume that I'm just attention seeking. I'm not. If anything that should be a sign of a cry for help that you know you cant get. No one ever asks how I am mentally. If someone has a cold or breaks their leg you as how they're doing and feeling. Does anyone do that for mental health, like fuck do they!

I don't know what my point was with this. I'm angry and I'm upset and I'm sorry but I can't speak to anyone about mental health without an eye roll. Its not even intentional but do you know how degrading it is if you say you're struggling and you get that. It makes me feel like shit, like I should push the feeling away and try and just cope. 

I cant anymore and I shouldn't have to. Its a lonely place in my head, it hurts and that's why I just give up. I give up trying to find the happiness. I smile and laugh but that doesn't mean I'm okay. That means I'm just very good at pretending.


Thursday, 18 May 2017

Latest Song Obsessions |

Hello lovelies,
Music is a big thing in my world. For me it says what I can't. It helps me, calms my mind and lately there have have been some songs that I've just become obsessed with. I thought I'd share some of these with you.

Secret love song | Little Mix 
I'm not sure why but I'm loving this song so much lately. I just love the lyrics and its just my go to song to have a good sing along to.   



Oh Diane | Fleetwood Mac
If you know me, you'll know that my obsession with this iconic band is very strong. This song has been on my obsession list lately. I've always liked it but lately I've been loving it, its just a really good  feel good song. My favourite line from this song is "Love is like a grain of sand, slowly slipping through your hand".

She's got no time | Keane 
The hopes and fears album has been top of my list over the last few weeks and this song just spoke to me. Not sure why, it just sounds so perfect. Its just a really good song to chill out to, also I love the lyrics to this. My favourite line is "And she can hardly breathe without you"





Running through rivers | Carrie Hope Fletcher
I hadn't listened to this in sooooooooooo long. It popped back into my head a few weeks ago and its been playing non stop. 

Could've been | Rhys Lewis 
This song just speaks to me. I deleted most of the stuff about a little situation I was once on, it needed to be done. Sometimes I still feel it though, I still ache for knowing that I lost someone so perfect to someone who was that for them. This song is just so beautiful and its been one I've been pouring my heart out to. This is by far my favourite line from the song "It could've been me
I could've been with you"

Hawaiian roller coaster ride | LILO and Stitch
A little more of a feel good and I just love it. Lilo and stitch is such an underrated Disney film and its such a shame. I love this song, its one that I like to listen to on the way to work to get me set up for a fun day, well a mediocre day.




Wish you were here | Pink Floyd 
One that just speaks to me. We all know I was probably born in the wrong decade, I love artists from the 60's and 70's. Just the line "We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl". Perfection. Like I love songs now but it seems like lyrics years ago seemed so much more soul catching.




The cure | Lady Gaga
Oh Gaga. A woman that is a lyrical genius. I fell in love with this song the moment I first heard it. I feel like I am very into the lyrics because I crave someone to do this to me, now that sounds very odd but the lyrics "I will fix you with my love". I crave that. I want someone to just fix the mess I am, but its me that will fix me. The words mean something else but I'm really going for the whole idea that I can fix myself. I can't I'm just going round in circles trying to make myself a little more sane, I'll be my own cure.



Teeth | Lady Gaga
Another Gaga classic. I don't know why I'm obsessed with this but I sort of forgot how much I love it.  Like its an odd one to be obsessed with but I don't know, I mean to me it just sounds a little sexual and apparently I'm rather into the sexual songs lately. 

Well I hope you liked this little look into my latest song obsessions.


Saturday, 13 May 2017

Disneyland | 10 Days

Good morning lovelies,
As many of you will know, I'm back off to Disneyland very soon. In fact I now only have 10 glorious, yet busy, days until I got back to the place where dreams come true. Now I'm on my break and I'm feeling a little inspired, I wanted to take this time to talk to you about some of the plans I have and what I plan on taking with me.



Food |
Last time I visited the park I actually didn't eat that much, that's quite shocking considering I'm a lady that likes my food. Because I'm staying on site I get the half-board meal plan. Last time that meant that I got a voucher for money off my dinner and a snack voucher to use between 3-6pm. I'm pretty sure that's still the case this year so I plan to make the most out of that. If not I'm just planning a lot of barbecue lays, that's a big deal if you know my obsession with them.

Money |
Last time I think I over spent just a smidge, *whispers* only about €400. Now this year I'm turning £300 into euros. I don't plan on spending that much, I just like to have enough in case I see something I adore. I have my eye on a few decorative things which may end up on the train back with me. 

Rides |
This time I'm going with my mum, she's not one for rides because of her back. I do want to do some rides though, the tea cups are a definite because last time they were closed. I want to to do some of the rides that I didn't manage to do last year. I'm not actually to fussed about the rides but while I'm there I want to make the most of them. 

Characters |
The main reason I love the Disney parks, characters. My life feels a little more complete when I've met Minnie Mouse. I was lucky enough to meet quite a few last year, however because it's the 25th anniversary of the park, a lot more characters are being spotted. Characters that are rarely seen are out and about and I'm hoping to meet them. This year I want to meet characters from Aladdin, Moana and I have my heart set on finding Daisy. Obviously I know it's just the luck on the day, I just really fancy meeting some of my favourite Disney characters.

Ears |
Minnie ears are like built in when I go. Obviously I'm taking my light up pair that chummy got me because they are special to me. The pair I had for my first proper trip there. Plus it's a way of having my chummy with me in our favourite place. I also got two more pairs of ears from imagineearsuk. It's an easy site and the ears are stunning. I treated myself to a pair of 25th anniversary ears, they are a stunning shade of blue, silhouette of Tink and have a sparkly bow. I also got a pair to show my love for one of my favourite Disney ladies, the one and only Mary poppins. They are stunning, the have a picture of her on one ear and have the tape measure on the other that reads "practically perfect in every way".





I can't wait for my trip, when I'm at home I'll add some pictures to this post but for now I hope you enjoyed this little look at what I'm thinking right now about my trip.

Lots of love,
Chloe xxxxy

Friday, 12 May 2017

Hey! | Me again...

Well hello there, long time no see. Now I put up a little post last weekend and it was a little hard hitting. I'm think I'm finally getting there and life just seems a little bit more cheery. Now I stopped the YouTube and the blog. YouTube felt like it was t going anywhere and I was just frustrated with the upload times. Now I'm getting back into it. I want to start vlogging again but they won't be long, I don't want to put that much pressure on them. 

I'll be uploading a lot more, I'm distancing myself for a few people. Not in a spiteful way, in a "I need to make myself happy" way. For too long I've been allowing people to turn tables on me, acting like I'm the one in the wrong, granted I'll take blame but it's mentally destroyed me having all that on me. Basically I'm not allowing people to control my life anymore, they don't even mean to do it but it's sad that that were sort of the reason I tried to end it. That's just a little heart breaking.

Now life's not all doom and gloom. I'm fully embracing the side of me that people make out to be bad, apparently I just jump from man to man. You know what, yes I do. I only talk to them, then I see that that persons a prick and move on. After one person, well why should I wait around because other people make me feel like a slut. It's not like I'm sleeping with every single man, even if you do, there's nothing wrong with that. You want sex, go get it. As long as it's two consenting adults, why the fuck not. I picked some random guy off tinder to show my friends to be like this is the one.......nope. That wasn't true at all, I sort of felt like they'd judge so I let them have that one. In matter of fact it's someone completely different and I'm just taking my time, I'm learning all about a new person and it's nice. It's nice to do that, granted they all think I'm just jumping from man to man, I'm not. I've had a few dates with people but currently I'm getting to know a new human, learning little things about them, what makes them tick, what annoys me about them and all stuff like that. It's nice. I know I shouldn't have lied, I guess I'd rather people think I'm jumping from different people while I actually learn about a new person, so far so good. You know, some people will read this with an eye roll and I get it, however I'm an adult. I didn't want to lie but I also just wanted to not put pressure on it, I guess I wanted people to think oh she's not being so picky this time. We all have a type and that's not a bad thing.

Now I'm currently tucked up in bed, I think I've got the flu but I should be okay. I'm also feeling like I'm going to ask to drop back to four days. Like four days on full days so the hours are the same. I just need that extra day to focus on my online life. It's where I'm my happiest and works just taking away so much time that I should be spending on it. 

I think that's it from me, well for now anyway. I'm going to be doing like a Disney prep post and also a few new things from me. Life just seems like it all got too much, its time to clear that now. Forgot about it and just start a fresh. I came so close to the edge that I want to go back, take a massive step back and just take my time with life right now.

See you all soon,
Love Chloe, 
Xxx

Monday, 8 May 2017

A New Day |

Hello lovelies,
Ummmmm well how do I start this. Well if some of you read my posts religiously, not that anyone does, you may know that Saturday was a bad day. A bad day putting it very easy breezy but it wasn't the best for me. I'm not going to sit here and preach to you that I'm okay, I'm far from that but I'm getting there.


It's a new day. Its a brand new day to wipe away the tears, put everything down and take time for me. I've spent my day watching Disney films on a loop, it may seem like a waste of a day to you, for me, well for me it has been the best. I was meant to be tidying the shit tip of a bedroom that I have, instead I just wanted to take the day to make myself feel pampered. I did my make up, made my self feel stunning and sat and watched all my favourite films. 

I'm heading out in a minute shopping and I just need to grab a few bits before my trip to Disney. I'm going with chummy, now this weekend was tense between us. I think I've learnt now that for me to feel okay, I just need to not worry about other people and just say what I think. That may sound bitchy but I think for my own sanity I just need to. I also really just want to plan something with L. I need to see him and just have a good catch up. I haven't seen him in months, to him that's not a big deal but to me....well to me it feels like a life time. I think I just need a good laugh and some wise words, something he is very good at.

Anything else? Hmmm let me think. I don't think I wanted to say anything else, oh I know! A massive thank you to my best friend Lou, I don't know how I would have coped this weekend without her. I honestly don't and its clear we need more people like her in the world. So thank you, so much.




Saturday, 6 May 2017

I'm done now. It's me that's the issue, I'm a spoilt person who thinks I can twist and force people. Well at least that's what I think now. I didn't realise that's what people thought of me. I don't intentionally do that but it's become clear now that it's me, I'm the issue that causes so much upset and pain. I'm not allowed to say how I feel because saying that makes me the bad person.

I tired so hard to not let it get to me, I've tried for months but finally it's gone too far. A few hours ago I tried and unfortunately failed. I'd tried to kill myself, alas stupid me couldn't even do that right. I got a razor, broke it so I had the blade and just sat in silence, my arm was the canvas that just ran with blood. It didn't hurt, I felt relief. Relief that I was finally managing to get what was in my head out. I then got a load of pills, alas I took them but ended up throwing them up. Well done me, failed at that as well. I messaged my best friend to say thank you for being there and for the laughs, he just thought I was going away. I couldn't tell him what was going on, I rarely see him but he understands or at least he tries to. My arm is now covered, the blood just dried up like I didn't even try. My head and my heart just hurt right now.

I sat in tears and didn't really know what to do. No ones to blame. No one. It's me that's the issue, it's me that causes the slightest problem for feeling a certain way. I'm done allowing myself to let it happen. I tried not to but it seems like I can't help it.

I manage to ruin everything else so it's not a surprise that I even failed to end all this pain. I think I'm attention seeking if you must but I can't do it anymore, I'm isolated now and I'm sick and tired of failing. I give up, you think I I'm at bitch, cool you think I'm spoilt, fine but I'm done allowing this it to happen anymore.

Monday, 1 May 2017

Hello |

Hello lovelies,
Life right now seems so fucking stressful. When I say life, I mean work. There are only three of us who will do any shift and I'm so tired of it all now. People who barely do any work and they seem to get all the praise. I just can't keep this all up anymore. I walked out today because I got that pissed off. Now apart from my life at my shitty job, my worlds kept turning. A few bumps in the road, mainly in the love life department but to be honest the rest of my life seems pretty good. I got a lot filmed with my chummy on Monday and I honestly had so much fun letting her into my creative zone, granted my content is shit but it was honestly so much fun to film with her.

I want to just escape life a bit right now, sadly I'm one of those adult things that has to just get on with it. It's a shame. There's so much more I want to be doing right now but it seems like life has other plans for me. I'm not really sure what the point of this was, I think I just needed to word vomit to all of you. I wanted to just get back to where this all began. I've let you all down, I haven't been as active as I like to be on here, that needs to change. I'm actually aiming for one post a week starting from next week. I've been a little too focused on youtube but I really want to just get back to this little world. I love vlogging but they are taking like a week to upload. Instead I'm just going to log here and there and maybe do a long one every two weeks?

I want to keep my youtube going but I'm going to try and aim for one main video a week. Also I'm off to Paris for three days in 23 days. Yes, I'm off to Disneyland Paris again and I can't wait. I want to be back in my happy place, to feel the magic once more and to just feel a little more me. A lot has happened since my last visit and I think I'm ready to go back.

That's about all from me for now, I should be back later this week with some Disney posts.

Lots of love,
Chloe xxx

Tuesday, 11 April 2017

Am I Finally Ready To Go Home? |

Hello lovelies,
I've just got back from something that I sort of forgot means so much to me. A place that I once dreaded going at one stage of my life because I wanted to be free, I wanted to be able to do things that I was told were wrong. Going out into the world and actually living the life I thought I wanted has left me in nothing but pain. The silly times I've thought that a man was the answer to all of my problems. There's been something missing from my life for a while now. In no way am I saying I've found it again. I'm simply saying that maybe I want to look into something that I feel might be the missing piece. I saw people that I haven't seen in years and instead of judging me, they welcomed me with open arms like I was coming home.

I saw faces of my childhood best friends and I just got filled with so many happy memories of running around without any cares in the world. I walked in there expecting so many people to judge me. The member of what I like to call the lost children. The children that all grew up in an environment but all left, we all left to pursue the lives we thought we wanted. For some it worked perfectly but for me I just feel like maybe I need to look into it again. Maybe I want to go home. I walked through expecting people to look at me like a sinner, like someone who had no right to be there but instead I was welcomed with so much love. No judgement, a hug from the granddad of the children I used to play with. A reassuring smile from the lady I used to talk to just basically saying it was okay, I was safe and no one was going to judge. A gleeful smile from my uncle because I didn't expect to see me there. My aunts eyes looked so shocked and happy. My little cousins looked almost proud and it felt good. I felt like I was sort of meant to be there.

I'm not saying its for me, I'm saying that I'm starting to look back into it. Someone saw me and smiled, they came over and they looked down. They saw my scars, the little war wounds I like to think of my mentally scared head and heart. They just hugged me, at that point I felt a little fixed. Self harm, such a taboo subject that know one acknowledges, whenever I mention my mental health to anyone, the subject is changed. I'm seen as some attention seeker and no ones ever done that. Seen then, acknowledge what they mean and done that. Am I finally ready to go home? To me that is home, its a home I used to go to. It's where I grew up, my family are there. I need to look back into it, I need to see if it's something I want because for once in a very long time. The words I was hearing soothed me a little. They made me feel like there was some hope, like the person I've become isn't too late to change. It's something I'm going to look into and if I decide its what I want, well this might not be a thing anymore. I don't know who well they view socially publicising you're life online but I need to do what I feel like is right. Right now this feels right and no matter how many people I lose because of it, its time to maybe actually look into something that gives me more meaning that I have right now.


Thursday, 30 March 2017

Hello Old Friend |

|Hello lovelies,
I'm back. My life online is back in full swing, it used to be thriving all the time. Always full of my nonsense and ramblings. It seems like over the last year you've all been a little neglected. I didn't mean it but its like I was living. I was in reality for once and it felt good. It feels like I've been riding the waves, it was fun and something new but sometimes the waves get to much. The gentle push of the tide turned into a storm. I was that storm. I was the one that turned the gentle rock of the ocean into a thunderstorm that took prisoners. I made the crashing waves and I was also the one riding them. I'm now a little ship wrecked. The various paths in my life have all been cut off. I'm back here, a little isolated. One avenue was closed because I fucked up again. another avenue was something I felt a little sure of, something that I was just allowing myself to like the idea of. Even that's changed now, the excuses are coming in and for once I'm not sad about it. I'm glad. 

I just don't feel anything right now, the world used to feel like such a scary place but I can breathe again. I'm back in my little bubble that I worked hard to escape from, it wasn't a bubble of happiness or a care free life. I've realised it was a well crafted prison I had to put myself in, not to protect me. Sadly it was to protect others. I tell people the person I am now, that normally makes them run for the hills. It didn't with one and he sort of told me he'd be there. Even he's finding little excuses, I said look I don't care if you don't want this. That's cool, just tell me. Like we're busy people and maybe our lives are just to hectic for a storm like me to pass through. I was told no, of course I want this and I'll be there. Even that's just ended up with me just sat here like yep, another lie. 

What's worse is I'm all alone now, no one to turn to for help. I can see the shore but I have no way of reaching it, I'm stuck in the shipwreck and it's time to face up to that. I'm back on here for good. All other personal social medias are no longer. I can't allow myself the life I want because I just leave this path of destruction. I'm coming home and its been long overdue. It's time to let the online me, the real me flourish once more. This is what I want and I can't let real life take that hold on my again. All I ask is that if once person is reading this please know that I'm grateful that you got me out of it, you showed me how I could be happy and how I shouldn't let what others think of me get me down. Sadly in being your project I just hurt you and I'm sorry. Thankfully for you I'm not your issue anymore, I'm going back to what I do best and its been a long time coming.



I'm Retreating |

Hello lovelies,
I think I'm done. I think everything has finally bubbled and boiled way to create this situation. I accept all the blame. I don't like what I've done but no amount of me trying is fixing it. I try but it seems I still unintentionally upset people. I think my life always is better in the long run if I just keep to my own bubble. Sharing the bubble with everyone else just means the person I am creates destruction wherever I go. 

I never meant it to be like this but its finally time to give up. I'm stopping trying now which some will be happy to hear. I said I'd stop online life, that's clearly a lie. Online life is where I feel safe, I'm behind a screen and some would say that's cowardly but its the only way my voice gets heard and I can project it to the few who read it. I can't really be sure of anyone now, I've changed and I will always be grateful for that but now is the time to go back to still a happy me, but a me that is sure of herself. Every avenue right now still seems so blurred. Something I was sure of has been broken down, all my fault of course. Things I was allowing myself to like the idea of seem a little unclear again. The upside to this is that I can't hurt anyone anymore. I can just stay hidden once more, I can go around and just bumble around with this odd little world I live in. In many ways I feel like Alice. I don't quite fit in reality, wonderland is where I'm better off. I can allow myself to just be me, nothing has to make sense but to me the online world is my wonderland. I can be sure of myself on here. It's like I can't hurt anyone and after months of unintentionally doing it, well that's a comforting thought to me. 

Happy is just a dead end street, at some point I have to turn back and go back to the person I was. Not saying I'll be unhappy, far from it. But for me happy means destructive. I like the happy medium where I'm never to sure how I am. Staying in that area doesn't hurt, its not going from one high to a massive low. Its just me floating around life doing what I do best. 

I'm unsure of where this post was meant to go. If anything this is me saying I'm done. I just wont try anymore and I think that's best. I'll leave you be. I just hurt people without knowing and I'm finally saying I wont anymore. I wont start the conversations, I wont try and make it better because my attempts just end up in more end. I'm signing off from reality and retreating back into the life I know and love so well.

This is me signing back into the world that created me, the online life that I know and love so much. Oh how I've missed this.




Tuesday, 28 March 2017

Life | It All Got Too Much

Hello lovelies,
I've been a little quiet on here. I could hide the reasoning but theres no point. Life just got far too much for me. I don't know how I let it all get that bad again. I'd managed to get myself onto a little path of self destruction again and I almost lost the most important person to me. She tried so hard to help me but my coping strategy was to push her away. I pushed everyone away and just thought I didnt need anyone. Turns out I did need them and after a lot of soul searching I finally let my guard down, I asked for that help.



If I'm honest it took snapping at two of my favourite people to slap some sense into me. The thought of those two hating me killed me a little. Now? Well now I'm feeling a little bit better in myself. I'm getting there, saying I'm fine is a lie. I'm struggling a little but I'm getting help that I need. Im feeling a little more myself but maybe I'm just having a good week. Coming to the realisation that I got played a little has helped, people can sweet talk but in the end everyones out for themselves. I don't blame them, I was just the wrong person to play. My brain can't just shake stuff off, I create a little connection and I will do everything in my power to keep it going.

I guess I let the opinion of everyone else poison my head a little, I do it a lot but this time I just got pushed so far to the edge that I didn't really know how to get back. Other times my confidence hasn't been knocked but this really did a number on me, I'm not as sure of myself as I once was. I think it's taking a little time for me to get back to my happy self. I'm very aware of myself for once and I'm finding it hard to open up to people, partly because one of the people I opened up to sort of just allowed it to maybe get one thing. Onwards and upwards though, theres no point dwelling on the past, life's moving far to quickly for me to be stuck in the past.

My aim right now is to just do things that make me happy, associate myself with the ones I love. Find happiness in every single moment, no matter how small. Life is too short for me to be stuck on one chapter. I've got the rest of the book to go and its unwritten, theres no say in what I have to do. It's time to write a new story, a massive plot twist that I think I really need.


Friday, 10 March 2017

Youtube |

Hello lovelies,
Today I wanted to chat to you about YouTube. If you follow me on twitter then you may be aware that I've finally started using my channel. I'm not sure why I got that little push to do it but I am. I'm actually so happy that I'm using my YouTube channel now, it's nice to finally turn my blog into someone a little more personal.




Basically someone made me realise that life's to short. I spend so long trying to impress everyone else, waddling round and getting my heart broken is boring me. Yes I'm not lying anymore, I need someone in my life. I don't know why but I do. I crave someone in my life but I'm attached to a person that doesn't give two fucks about me. It's hard but now I'm trying to just focus on the blog and YouTube channel. If anything he's made me see that I can't change everything about myself for someone who isn't willing to get to know the real me. That means I've got the fuck it approach. Fuck what people think, fuck what they say because it's time for me to do what I love. It's time for me to actually start doing something that gives me a new purpose, a new vision. I'm actually loving making the videos and I can't wait to upload more. My channel currently has three subscribers, I know that's huuuuuuggggeeeeee! Haha. Look I know it's never going to be popular but I just don't really care, right now it's a very good confidence booster for me and a new creative outlet for me.



So if you want to see more then just click this little link and you shall be transported to my other little world online. In this one you can actually see just how boring my little life is 😂.

Thursday, 23 February 2017

Only Me | No One Else

Hello lovelies,
Do you ever feel the judgement from those you love the most? They are trying their best to make sure you know the right thing to do, they want to show you the love and lead you down the right path..........saying that sometimes it just feels like a never ending stream of judgement. I know that's not how it's coming out but the barriers in my head just go, well thats meant in a way that we are going to take badly. 


It's the little things, like when I finally realise something and then I tell people. I get the oh that's what we've all been saying, yeah I know that. It's not like I wasn't listening but surely it's only me that can come to that conclusion. Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Only I can be the one who is insane enough to do it over and over but at the end of the day, it's me who deals with it. Granted I can cry to people but it's me at the end of the day, me who deals with it and eventually I come to the conclusion that everyone else did. It just takes me a while and I just feel judged when people then sit and go, well I told you so.

I guess it's hard for people to see that you need to work things out on your own sometimes. They just want what's best for you and sometimes that just winds the other person up. I never mean it in a horrible way but when I already feel like shit, I know what I've done could have been avoided.......well the last thing I need is well thats what we all said. I understand that people only want what's best for me, the issue is I've always been a person that had to do do stuff for herself. I have to be the one that see's it.

Now right now in life I actually feel okay, I've found be productive side again. claiming that everything is perfect is a lie. It's far from that, life's bearable. I wish I had someone with me through all of this, truth be told I now function better on my own. I've tried so many times to work as a two but I'm just scared of getting hurt now. I don't want to try any more attempts at a relationship, I just want to focus on my blog and my channel. My world online has always seemed much better than real life, time to focus on the things thats make me happy.




Tuesday, 21 February 2017

Thank you | An Awkward One

Hello lovelies,
There was a guy. I know that you're all thinking "Oh another one", yes I know spare me the lecture. This one however actually meant something. Granted unfortunately that hasn't gone anywhere but this is more thank you to him. He won't ever see this but thank you. Thanks for making me feel special and wanted, there will always be more to this little story than I will have told people. It's a shame but some stuff I just want to keep for me. I know chummy will now think you're a slight dick, sorry about that but to be fair I was angry and maybe without realising it I blew some stuff out of context. She got told most of the stuff you said but little moments and stuff like that I will keep just for me. 



Basically this guy was my first. Yep not something I thought I'd post online but there we go, that happened and no I'm not going into detail on that. We're all adults here, and if we're not then ummm..........special adult cuddles. Please don't question me. Now some people have bad experiences when they lose their virginity, mine however was actually a good experience. He was aware that it was my first time and was very considerate of that, he made me feel like it was all about me and just made sure I was okay the whole time.

If anything this is a little thank you to him, not for that! This isn't going to be some soppy thing. It's more of a thing of thanks for not being a dick like everyone else. There will always be more than I tell even my best friends, chummy wont know the full story and for once I think I need to keep it just for me. Thanks for the late night face time calls when I needed to see you because I'd had a bad day. Thank you for the good morning and sweet dreams messages that put the biggest smile on my face. Maybe if things were done little differently then we might have had a chance, I'm to blame but then again so was he. I think it's the type of thing that if we had met when we were a little older and slightly more wiser to the world then we way have had some shot at it actually working.


Thursday, 16 February 2017

Do I Need To Change |

Hello lovelies,
Life took a turn at the weekend. A bit of an off subject that for once I'm not actually going to go into. There's only two people who know the full story. Some would say I've been naive, I would agree but maybe its become very apparent that I need to make some changes. I never thought I was happy until last year. I gained people who gave me a fresh perspective of my little world, they popped the bubble I was in and surrounded me with so much love and support to be just who I am. 



The person I am includes a lot of quirks. I'm an awkward human when you very first meet me, you have to just break through with me and then I'm very chilled. My chummy would argue I have my moments but when you know me, well you sort of get to grips with how my mind actually works. I'm a full on Disney nerd that still runs around believing in the idea of fairy tales when in fact it's me running around like "love me love me" and guys going I can string this one along.  Granted I get myself into those situations but I work better in a pair. I always have done whether that be with friends or a potential boyfriend. I'm not sure why, I was quite a lonely child. Like I had my sister but because I was home schooled I got very used to my own company. Even at school I was always the add on, I think that's why I crave the presence of another person with me. I function better I think with someone else by my side, hence why me and chummy work very well. She's my best friend and other half. She gets my mind and what I've been through. 

Is it time though to hang up the Minnie ears and try the adult thing? I don't want to because it's not me. I live in the real world and do the adult things like pay bills, go to work and sort shit like that out. Someone said "Well if you cannot not be as awkward as you are then I wouldn't want you to escape from this bubble your in as its where you are comfortable". How do I take that? Like I'm awkward when I first meet people and I think that's natural with anyone new, if you actually wait for a bit you learn to see that that's a front. When I'm comfortable I'm the weirdest but chilled out person, granted I take things to heart but I'm quite fun when I'm comfortable. Do I need to change?

I spend my life in a daydream that much that I even branded myself a professional daydreamer as you all well know. I don't want to but maybe its time to get rid of the Disney side of me, finally grow up. I don't want to. I've got such a good balance right now, I'm an adult when I need to be but I still keep that Disney child in me alive. Another thing I think I need to work on is my appearance. I need to go to the gym, it's odd but I thought one thing that happened would be the reason why I wanted to lose weight. In fact that made me feel very good about my body, its the comment of well maybe you need a personal trainer to get you into it. I know it wasn't meant that way but I'm just conflicted right now.

It's just a hard situation to be in, my confidence is still there but I just feel like a shell of myself right now. I'm standing on the outside looking in, waiting there and going "well what am I supposed to change". You see I was one way for so long and it took a while for the ones I love the most to finally make me happy, finally make me feel good about myself. Do I need to change? Am I seriously letting a collection of men all merge together as one force that's going to change me. Like chummy said though "If he's not about putting the effort in then he doesn't deserve the non awkward stage that we all know and love". I guess I'm just so conscious now that it is me that's the issue and I feel very strong pressure to change that. I think if my life were playing out how I wanted then this might not be a massive thing. I guess I wanted life to be a little bit more sorted out. Blogging life is what I wanted to be a bit better. Granted I haven't been putting in the effort, I know I should be but when I get into this little state I find it hard. 

Basically I want to just be able to live my life a bit more cautiously, only for a while. I want my friends around me. I want my chummy, I want L. I want to just feel how I did last year. Me and chummy had a day of doing nothing and it was just perfect. The most exciting part of the week was seeing L. Yes sometimes he's hard to read but he's the only man I can trust. The only one I would do anything for and I always put him before most people, not that I'd tell him but its just hard that he's such a rarity in my life right now.


Tuesday, 14 February 2017

Meeting My Blogging Best Friend | Lou's World

Hello lovelies,
Firstly I would just like to apologise for the lack of pots recently. Life seemed to be going at a million miles an hours, it was very good and I just sort of wanted to keep in that bubble for a little while. I'm sure you will hear all about that in due course. Now if you have been reading my bog for a while then you will know that me and and lovely writer of Lou's world are very close. My blogging best friend and for nearly 3 years we have been on hand to help each other out. Now that's mainly been her helping me out and I will always be so thankful for that.


Now its been nearly three years that I've known her and it just seemed like the time to finally meet her. Now luckily we both live in the UK so that made it a lot easier. Now we went for a nice little London day and it was just so perfect. Now obviously I go on lots of little adventures with my chummy but with Lou I can get really geeky and nerdy about blogs. Like she gets it a bit more, like sometimes I just feel like I bore my chummy with my blog chat sometimes. She listens of course but there was a day when I could be like hang on blog picture time and it wasn't annoying.

Now we went for a little trip to oxford street, granted it seemed like a pretty simple thing but yet we managed to get lost several times. I dragged her into the Disney store. They have the beauty and the beast section on display and I needed to see the perfection that was the rose. They also had the Moana section and of course I had to get a picture with the most sassy woman Disney have made. 



I AM MOANA!!!

After Disney we just walked for a bit just to catch up with each other lives. Again I'm very sorry, I do chat a lot so I should have warned you. We then popped into Lush and I got to show her the heaven that if Lush Oxford Street.




After a trip into lush I dragged her a little more round London. I took her to my favourite little bakery that's tucked away in Soho. This is mine and chummy's favourite bakery and its one I introduced to her as well. Now I got the rolo cupcake and it was pure perfection. Of course I wasn't going to leave without a little something for chummy as well. Luckily this was the only time I've been and they've  done the unicorn cupcake. 






 After eating the most amazing cupcakes we attempted to find a wasterstones, books are where me and her feel most chilled out. Of course we need a good bookshop. Unfortunately I got us a little lost.......but after a while we gave up and just walked for a bit. We had a kerfuffle trying to find her bus stop but in the end we found it. After that we went out separate ways and I got a little lost on the way home.

It was honestly the most perfect day. It was freezing because it was snowing most of the day but I just felt so relaxed. It's the most chilled I've felt in months and I think its because I was in my element. Chatting with the girl that's been there for all of the blog. Since the very start and it was nice to finally see and hug the person that's helped me through some of the darkest parts of my life. Thanks for everything, next time I promise we wont get lost.