Saturday, 31 December 2016

Goodbye 2016 | Hello 2017

Hello lovelies,
The past week has been a difficult one but its finally made me want to push myself further. It gave me the little push and reminded me that life's far too short to always wonder what if. The past year has taught me so much. Its taught me the value of true friendship, the importance of my family and so much more.

Life is far to short to waste it just plodding along. I want so much more and that means pushing myself out of my comfort zone and finally trying something I never thought I would do. I guess its just hit home that life is short. Sitting around thinking stuff will happen isn't the answer, going out and actually trying new things will make stuff happen. This year has been full of the most amazing memories that now hold a special place in my heart, having said that its also been filled with moments that have just broken me.

This year has shown me the value of true friendship. It's also made my heart break just a little bit when I don't get the attention I want from one of my friends. Pathetic I know but that's a human I've trusted with my biggest secret, it just feels like now he's got bored with me and he wants nothing more to do with me. I know that's not the case but I'm the type of person that takes everything to heart. I notice the little things, the change in their tone of voice whether that be in person or through messages it's hard when the effort stops of one side, it's like making really exciting plans and one person you want there fails to show up.

It's also taught me that I still, after all this time let one person control my heart. I don't want to after all this time but he still has that hold over me. I don't want it to be like that, I miss him more than anything but I know I won't see him again. I won't have what I want with him. We're now basically strangers that once shared a uniqueness that felt so special. I've let this play a part in losing someone who was potentially going to be very good for me, someone who I actually had genuine feelings for and someone who could have been the one to make me see that this previous one was not worth the heartache.  Now there will always be more to that story that I've told you or my chummy. He made me feel so special, so adored and good about myself. I then stupidly thought it was the answer to everything and then so desperately wanted a relationship. BasicallyI let someone go who is the one I should have stuck with, someone who made me feel amazing about myself and someone I knew I could have had something special with.

Family. I've got rid of the one factor that was making me miserable, saying that although I won't ever be best friends I think it's only right that maybe I make peace. Never go back to how we were but if something happened to her I don't think I could forgive myself for not making peace. I've also had the most perfect little moments with the ones I love the most. People assume there's one person in my life I'd do anything for, truth is my family always have and always will come first. It's true I'd do anything for one person but I also have 9 others I would do the exact same for. Every moment is becoming more and more special with them and I can't wait for our little family weekend away. A weekend in my favourite place, cut off from everything and everyone apart from the people I adore. The kids are growing up so fast but the moments when we're giggling together, I still look at them and see the little babies they once were. It's an odd thing that age does to you, I may be so young still but when you see people younger than you all grown's so weird to think that once they fit in your arms and gripped onto your finger so tight. They were once dependant on the ones around them, now they're fully functioning humans that can make it on their own.

I guess I'm just very ready to say goodbye to this year. It's been so bitter sweet. So much happiness has only just outweighed a sadness that I've had to keep to myself. There's so much I want to tackle next year, there's still stuff I'm doing that is in no way good for me. It's not the answer but its a diversion that needs to stop. Anyway this is me leaving 2016 here. It's not going with me next year, I'm even leaving the people of 2016 there and I'm done making the effort. If they want me in their lives they can make the effort. I'm done being the person to constantly have to text first. You want me, come and find me but I can't keep on waiting for someone who shows no interest. Much like in a Cinderella story "Waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this draught. Useless and disappointing".