Saturday, 10 December 2016

🎄Blogmas Day 9+10 🎄 | Reflection

Hello lovelies,
Now I've decided to merge yesterday and today's posts into one. It just seems like blogmas feels a little impossible this year. I'm so annoyed at myself because I wanted to put so much effort into it. This year seems like its gone so quickly. It has and I think that's partly down to the path my life has taken. This year I wanted to choose happiness. I did that by building a little cluster of friends that, for some reason, still stick by me even when I annoy them or upset them. 

Taking a step back and looking at this year I think I've learnt so many valuable lessons. Here's a little list of lessons that I like to think I've some how managed to learn over the last twelve months.

Relationships aren't everything |
This year I've had my fair share of heart fluttering moments. No relationships but I have been talking to some people. That's no secret. Nothings ever come of these little conversations. There was a little double date that happened and I think I just felt pressure for it to go well, it didn't. That's life. There was the guy that I adored but was so stupid and let him go. There's only one man for me, he's not mine and as much as I tell myself and others I'm over him........*whispers* I'm really not and it still hurts. Until I can find someone who tops him. Who makes me feel safe, confident, adored and just makes me feel like I'm worth something.........well I need to stop. A part of me wants a relationship but forcing it is only going to make me feel like shit.

Real friends are always there |
My chummy is bye my side for most things. Sometimes it feels like I'm losing her a little bit (I know I'm not but my head goes there sometimes because of friendships I've had before) but it's clear that no matter how far we ever stray........the minute we see each other there's nothing but love. We're like we've never been apart and I know that she's there whenever I need her. L is another one. I may moan that I don't see him a lot but he's there when I need him most. If I post on Facebook that I've had a bad day at work and I'm upset, he messages me to see if I'm okay. When we see each other nothings changed and its just so nice t have people in my life that are just there whenever I need them. No matter where life takes us I know that when we all see each other there will be nothing but love.

I am loved |
Saying I love you means nothing. Showing it does. Little things like people checking if I've had enough sleep or if I've eaten enough. A few weeks ago I had a little scare (Not pregnancy but just something I had to get checked) and I was getting no sleep, chummy kept on telling me that I needed to sleep or at least eat properly to keep going. Also people at work, like that woman who's like a little mummy to me at work. She knows a certain person really upset me and every time I see her now, she makes me tell her two positive things about myself or my day. Things like this just show me how much people do care and love me.

Don't avoid friendships because you're scared of what others think |
This is one that might shock chummy. I like to think of her boyfriend as one of my friends. Yes even after my little post the other day. I guess I say it but I'm very hesitant to think of him as one of my friend's. I think its because he's chummys boyfriend, like will people think it's weird if I think of him as a friend. I guess I haven't put as much effort in with him even though he's the kindest and nicest person to me. I know it's something I've got to work on. I guess I hold back because I'm like oh am I allowed to be friends with you, chummy wouldn't have an issue but just because when I've said oh me chummy and (insert name) are doing this, they're like oh aren't you just tagging along. That's where my issue with the whole third wheel thing has sort of been blown up. In the new year if I haven't blown my chance, I do want to make more of an effort not because I know I should but because I genuinely want to.

Live like that day's your last |
People around me have lost people they love this year and it's made me appreciate what I have. I want to live everyday like its my last. I want to be silly and have fun. I need to appreciate what and who I have before its too late.

Never go back to what hurts you |
If something or someone hurts you do not go back apologetic. Remember there was a reason why it didn't work out, don't just go back in fear of loneliness. There's no point thinking about putting yourself into misery when you can have a pretty awesome life on your own.

Accept what is and get past it (No matter how much it hurts) |
This one is a difficult one. Stuff that I found out this week has made me finally accept a situation and that's fine. It hurts like hell and it's a complicated situation which people don't really understand. What's made it easier is that that person told me themselves, they wanted me to know to sort of soften the blow. They were still the little sweetheart that I've loved for so long. It's just so hard to let go. Many a tear has been shed but I can't talk to anyone about it. I guess they never see why, they never saw us together (Not in a relationship just in general). I just wish I could have made this all end differently. In a way I wish I'd never met him, but he made me stronger and want to achieve so much......saying that he was my hardest goodbye and so far it's caused me nothing but heartache. 2017 needs to be different. I need to accept what is and just try and get through it on my own.

Venture out of your comfort zone | 
My comfort zone is something that I've always stayed in. I never really strayed and until this year I never thought I'd come out of it. My friends have dragged me out of it and I'm glad they did. I take a few more risks and yes I'm still a very cautious person but I'm doing more now that I've ever done. 

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