Thursday, 8 December 2016

🎄Blogmas Day 7+8 🎄 | An Early Goodbye.....

Hello lovelies,
If you read this daily, most out you don't but for those who do.....well you'll notice yesterdays got deleted. I made the worst mistake. I wrote a post about how sometimes I feel like a third wheel. The way I wrote it sounded so cruel and that's not how I intended it. It was more of a thing of sometimes I feel like it, other times I don't because I'm made to feel included. I took it down because the person it was intended for, well she made the good point of I should have just told her. I didn't know how to and now I've lost the one person who knows me best, the girl who put up with so much shit from me.

It's clear that this blog has become the place that I vent, knowing people will see it but still I do it. Online life and real life aren't working well together anymore. That's my fault. I may have lost the person who means the most to me and I'm not prepared to let it happen again. 

This is just an early goodbye. I've said I'll do blogmas and I just think I need closure on the year. I'm not going to quit blogmas but I think its time to finally stop the tapping on my keyboard and deal with the real world. Something I don't like doing. I almost made it to three years here in my own little place online. It's been the best. It really has. I've made a few lovely online friends who have done nothing but support me, guide me and just be there when I need them. It's killing me that I have to do this but I feel like its the only way. This space was supposed to be filled with so much happiness, as my life's got more complicated its just filled with poison that's finally got to the one person I didn't want to lose. 

I can't bare to give this part of my life up. I started this in the darkest part of my life, instead of doing something stupid I put all my focus into this. I gave it my all. Every spare minute of my time got injected in Professional Daydreamer. I never stopped dreaming that this could be so much more. It got to a point that I didn't want it to be more, I loved it just the way it was and I still do. A space for me to document the most magical moments of my life, the hardest parts of life in hope one day I could look back and see that it got better. The one thing I'm proudest of is that it helped me with the one thing I always fall back into, self harm. I did a big post about it and even though it didn't get millions of views, it got the right ones. I had messages saying that it had helped them. They'd got help and now they are in such a good place. Me. I did that. A little post like that, a post that I wrote to try and help me had helped a handful of others. 

This blog has been my world for nearly three years. It's been a blast, I've shared everything with you. Every detail of my existence has been uploaded on here. I've told you everything but I don't want online life to take it's toll on real life anymore. The real world scares me. It always has and it's been easier to face knowing I have a space where I can put all the worries. It's odd that there's a very big chance that in 2017 this won't be in use anymore. Real life has to take centre stage.

Now chummy you won't be reading this but if but any chance you are......I'm so sorry. I never meant it how it sounded. I made out that he always there. I didn't mean it like that, I know I should have just spoke to you. I guess I didn't want the awkwardness but I can see now that I could have been like chummy..."insert text here". He's lovely and such a great guy. I guess I just find it hard being around a couple, not because I'm not in a relationship and I think that's how its coming across. It's not. I just sometimes feel like I'm not needed there, even when you both make me feel so included. It's my own issue and I know I should have never have posted it. I know we're not okay and I get it, I'm just so sorry that I've ruined probably the most wonderful friendship that I was ever going to have. Like I know I've done very badly and I'm sorry that I've hurt the one person who only ever has the best intentions for me. The sorry's mean nothing now, what I've done and said can't be undone. I just have to deal with that now. Stopping this little world online is the only way I can stop this from happening again with anyone else. Chummy I love you to pieces and I'm sorry. Like something to maybe make you chuckle one last chummy time......I spent my morning weeping into beans, mushrooms and various other food items while cooking. I then caught my arm in the sealer but as punishment for hurting you I got stuck with the woman who give you love hearts at lunch.

I'll finish blogmas but I think I have to end this all. I've had the best time on here. So thank you for the support and love you've shown my crazy mind, or basically this blog. Maybe when the world isn't as hectic and I've done some growing up I'll be back. Until then this is my early goodbye to the world online I love so much.....

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