Tuesday, 20 December 2016

🎄Blogmas Day 20 🎄 | Not Feeling Festive

Hello lovelies,
I'm normally feeling so festive at this time of year but somethings gone a little wrong this year. I just don't feel myself. I think it's a mix of work and personal life just all merging at the wrong time. For once I'm not going to actually tell you everything. I'll tell you everything but some things just need to be for me, you can know all the sorry details or my tragically funny love life, just real actual life I need to keep to myself. 

Basically after years of knowing what I want, what I needed from life......my focus has now had to be shifted. I'm trying to deal with it the best I can but I don't know how. I'm slowly breaking down on the inside, I can show such a happy little front to the world but its like I've lost a little part of my heart. Yep that sounds so depressing but it's true. That little part of me feels like its potentially been snatched away from me, not for definite but for now it's like someones stolen it and I can't get it back. 

Works also just pushed me to my limits at the minute. Same shit different day. It's just getting worse and I'm just getting stuck in a little cycle of work and no me time. I don't do full time and I'm not actually sure how well I'd cope if I did. It's like I've become a little robot at work, the fun's gone from my job now. I go in, do what I need to do and go home. 

I think I've been pushing all the wrong things to the front of my life. I've prioritised work and relationships over myself. I started to take care of myself at the start of the year, I had months of pure happiness and I've just let that all slip away very easily. I know what I need to do now to be happy. No matter what other people think, I just need to put myself first and do what makes me happy. My creative outlet is the one thing that I always have so much passion for. This needs to be my focus. I said I would give it up. Fuck that! We all knew that was a load of bullshit. I won't ever stop this, it's the only this is have a burning passion for. My creative side needs to be set free a hell of a lot more next year. Take a few more risks with it all. Get more creative in the content that I produce and actually try and make this a space that I adore. I guess I'd rather fail trying than not try at all. If I don't try then I'll never know the full potential of my little world online, who says I can't make something out of it......the chances are it won't go anywhere but for once I need to push this to the front of life. Like what my friend said to me, he said as long as a have the passion I need to try my best to make to happen. Try it and see. He's right. 

I hope that when I finally finish work on Saturday I can feel a lot more festive. The downside of working in retail means the lead up to Christmas is just non stop work. My best friend has become like a stranger to me this week. We don't see each other until Thursday and even that's just at work. I think that's the only downside to having become so close with a work colleague.......we both work in the same place so people assume we spend a lot of time together. I would hardly call serving customers and plating up food time together. We see each other but not properly. It's like there's just no time to see each other outside the work bubble. Oh well, I'm sure we'll have plenty of time for adventures next year.

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