Sunday, 18 December 2016

🎄Blogmas Day 18 🎄 | Life

Hello lovelies,
Blogmas day 18 and I'm freaking out a little. Christmas is next Sunday! Where on earth has the time gone? I'm aware I didn't post yesterday. I had a late at work and by the time I finished I was just too tired. I wanted to do a little update for you. Just on a few bits that have been going on at the minute. 

Life just seems like it's been work non stop. I don't care if it is but whenever I go into work my manager always asks me to stay longer. I don't mind doing the hours. I'd just rather have some notice. Like believe it or not I actually do have a life outside work and friends. I do other things that I just don't mention to anyone. It would be nice if I could have some of my own life sometimes. Also work stress is getting to me right now. I know I said I wanted to be till trained. I've been told I'm being till trained tomorrow and it's causing my anxiety to go through the roof. The idea of a constant stream of customers is making me feel sick. I hate the till in my department and do anything to get out of doing. The idea that I actually said I'd do it was ludicrous. I'm aware I've annoyed people by now changing my mind but I just don't want the stress of that this week. For people without anxiety the idea of scanning products must seem like a doddle, for me there's so many different factors involved. Seeing new people. Having people getting annoyed because I'm not going fast enough. Having to ask for ID. Having to remember to ask if they want any stamps or if they have a points card. All those people in a queue just make me feel sick, the idea that I can't escape for a bit stresses me out far to much. I say stuff in the moment but the amount of stress that's going on in my head right now if just not worth it. Like I just told the checkout manager I didn't want to do it and she's fine with it, I told her how much it's stressing me out and she's cool with it. 

Friends. There's one person I've wanted to have a good chat with for ages and I've been having a bit more time talking to him this week. It's nice to be talking to him a little more frequently. It's like all my little stresses are just pushed to one side for a few minutes when I message him. Like no one else matters apart from him and the conversation I'm having. That's the same with everyone I message but for some reason he's been messaging me at the times I'm most stressed or annoyed, it just leaves me feeling a little more happy that I've had a chat with one of my best friends.

Family. Family time is something I'm just getting less and less off. I barely see my aunt and uncle now. That also means I never see my cousins. Because I work in retail my weekends as just spent working. I went from seeing them daily to never seeing them. That's why as much as I'm saying I want overtime, I also want to just have some time to see my family. Also I do 25 hours a week anyway and depending on how much overtime I do, it'll all just be taxed anyway. Like I'd rather cope on the money I'm getting now so I can actually see the people I love the most. I already missed them chance to see my other aunt and uncle this weekend. They live about 3-4 hours away and they were down for the weekend. I couldn't see them yesterday because I was working. I was meant to be seeing them for a few hours after work today, my manager asked me to stay until 5 so I missed my chance of seeing them again.

Coping with stress has also been something I've started to deal with a little this week. I find myself getting into shitty little moods. One minute I'll be happy as anything but the next I've switched. My mind turns black and I just feel so out of it. My little setup for when this happens is actually the best. I pop my fairy lights on, light my candles and pop on a good playlist of my favourite songs. I just lay in the dark and listen to my music full volume. It's amazing how about half an hour of this little cute set up can leave my feeling so refreshed. 

Next week it's the week just before Christmas. That means work will be a bit more manic. Luckily for me I have earlies and mid shifts. I've been very fortunate that I don't have any lates, much to the annoyance of others. I didn't ask for the rota to work that way but it did. I'm not even going to feel bad about it. That time in the evenings will mean I actually get to spend time my aunt, uncle and cousins. My three favourite little humans need me more than my job. My family will always come first. It always has done before anything else. I'm not going to swap shifts because I normally do most of the lates. I just want so time to be able to have cute little film nights with them or games night. 

Life just seems a little bit blurred lately. There's still something that's still killing me a little inside. Much to the point I haven't even told chummy how much it's upset me, instead I told the lady at work. My Tuesday morning 7 person has been the one who I've told how upset I am. How scared I am that I've given up something that killed me to do. It's like everyone sees this happen so much with me, to them it's just one big joke and I get it. It's just a shame that for me this is all real, it's my life, my stupid little heart and it's getting broken more and more. 

Anyway that's all that's been happening. I now actually have tomorrow free some I'm having a writing day like I planned. I also have a lot of life admin, need to go to the doctors and just pop out to get some make up. I know my posts seem like no efforts gone into them but there's other little projects that I've been putting everything into. Stuff I don't want to tell anyone about, not even chummy. That means it seems like it doing fuck all with my time when in fact I'm writing for the majority of time I have outside of work and family.

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