Saturday, 15 October 2016

Word Vomit |

Hello lovelies,
So let's chat. Lately life's been full of happy little moments that I want to cherish but it's also been filled with moments that break my heart just a little. Now this is like my little mind palace on here, I can say anything without fear of judgement so for anyone who knows me, please don't hate me. Remember that this is just what's going on I my head.

Now it's been very hard over the last few months because I've been having to spend a lot of time with a couple. My chummy and I like our little adventures but I've had a lot going on that involves me, her and her boyfriend. He's a great guy of course he is but I find it hard to be around him. I don't know why, like he's a lovely guy and at McFly I was fine. I guess it's the thing that I'm just there. I'm tagging along to a couple thing when I know that he would rather I wasn't there, or at least thats how I think he sees it. I had to try so hard at McFly to not make it awkward for them, but it was so hard being the single one there when you can see little hand holds, cute little cuddles and things like that. What do I do in the situation. It didn't help that McFly hit at a rather hard time for me. I told chummy and she said she just didn't get it, I guess no one really does. I tell her everything but this one thing, well I had to hold a few things back. I didn't want to but for my own heart I had to. 

It's hard being on my own. I love my own company but it's hard when it's always just me, it seems like everyone else has someone to share the little moments with. Someone who fills their life with a little something that I just can't seem to find. I'm also realising that I am that annoying friend that's just always there. Something was shared on Facebook the other day, maybe it was aimed at me, maybe it wasn't. It just hit me at a time that I didn't need. I'm aware that I am a full on person. I get that I'm always there. I don't mean to be but I don't allow myself to be me around a lot of people. I only let the real me show to a handful of people, that's why I like to keep them close. I am trying to keep my distance but when I do that I'm worried that if I do it to much then I'll just become a face that they used to know. 

The little dramas of my life just seem pathetic to everyone else but to me it matters. If I lose something I panic, I don't understand why but it's just something I have to do. Most people in my life understand that this is a process my mind has to go through, it just seems like I'm having to force myself not to feel the panic that my mind naturally goes through. 

Blogging is also become a struggle. I love it. It's been part of my life for over two years, the two years that have been filled with heartbreak but also filled with the most amazing moments of my life. It's been my little saviour that pulls me back from doing silly things. I'm just a little stuck right now. My mind knows what I need but my heart knows what it wants. With that on my mind I'm finding it very hard to just focus. I'm now working 5 days a week. Something that my chummy does all the time, I guess I just need to adjust to that and manage my time a lot better. I don't do full days like chummy but I find it hard to manage my time.

Friends. There's still one person that I haven't seen since my birthday night. I know he's busy but it just seems like it's any excuse not to go out and catch up. I've become so used to company now that when I'm on my own I just get very down very quickly. I used to be on my own all the time and I hated spending time with people. Now the tables are turned and it's odd. I need to get back to enjoying my own time, it looks like that's how it's going to be from now on. I guess it's just weird because I've gone from being a very lonely person to having my life filled with people that genuinely make my little existence so much happier. It's odd when I'm not with them now.

I don't really get the point of this post. I'm just feeling like I'm missing something from my life at the minute. I don't know what it is, I've been fixated on getting in a relationship for months. I know that won't fix anything but having someone else in my life who cares about me seems like what I need. Someone who'll be there when I'm sad, happy and just someone to share things with. I'm not expecting a walk in the park relationship, I know it's not easy but just little comments lately are sort of making me want it more. 

Anyway soon I have a week off, I have stuff planned because it's chummy's birthday but I also have a nice shopping day planned with one of the most precious people in my life. I think it will do us good to have a girly day.