Monday, 31 October 2016

What Happened Last Week |

Hello lovelies, 
A late what happened last week today. I've spent today stressing that I've annoyed chummy. I know I have and I just need to know what I've said or done. Now the past week has been really stressful, stuffs happened that has just sent me into a little downward spiral. Now let's just get stuck into this post shall we'll

Monday |
The first day of my blissful week off. Now I had a little shopping day planned with my cousin. It was a nice day but she's just not very chatty, like I think she thought she'd have a really girly day but I think she was just a little disappointed. I didn't really buy much, just Joanne and Louise live. I also go the last minute bits for chummy's cake. It was a little weird not seeing chummy on Monday. Over the last few weeks it's sort of just been the day for full on chummy mode. 

Tuesday |
Tuesday was a day when I woke up and just felt a little out of it. I went to go and get some but for the cake I was baking and tried to tidy all my room. The afternoon was a little better, some chummy time was what I needed. I also admitted something to chummy that I didn't think I would. I still held back on the main reason for why I wanted to do what I was going to. It's not for the obvious reason she thinks, it's hard to explain purely because I feel like it's stupid, she just wouldn't get why I'd want to do that.

Wednesday |
A day full of baking. I spent the whole day baking chummy's birthday cake. A cake that I've been planning for months. Now it turned out okay to be honest. It didn't look brilliant but I was just so happy I'd managed it. I had a Zumba class in the evening which was pretty good, pretty sure I pulled a muscle but once I'd got home I just snuggled into bed and watched the bake off final.

Thursday |
On Thursday I had my chummy round for an early birthday present day. I knew I wouldn't see her on her actual birthday so I thought it would be fun to have cake and just spend some time with chummy. I think she liked her presents, well I hope she did. I just got her stuff that combined some of her favourite things, little things I hope she can treasure. Like the Elsa snow globe, she loves a snow globe and Elsa so I thought that was a winner. We had a nice spot of lunch and then chummy left. Once chummy left I just needed to chill for a bit. I just felt a little empty, a feeling I've been trying to keep at bay for a while. I'm filling my time running around trying to please everyone else because it just distracts me from myself for a bit. That sounds depressing but it's true.

Friday |
A day full of stress and ending quite badly. I have 48 cupcakes to bake for chummy's birthday, one batch was a fail but it all got sorted. I just felt under so much pressure to get it right, to make sure they were perfect for chummy. My heads been in bad way for good few weeks and life got too much. I just found myself alone in my room, in the dark slipping back into a bad habit that took the pressure off. It's something I stopped but lately it's been happening more and more. Something that I'm starting to work through now so hopefully I can find a different way to deal with my mental pain. I crashed out so early, a day of tears was too much for me so off to sleep I went.

Saturday |
Party day!! I was up early getting ready, getting stuff organised for the party. I was round chummy's at nearly 3 but forgot my piping bags so my aunt came to the rescue. I got the cupcakes done and got to spent some time with chummy before the party. I was in no mood for a party, I keep my smiles on though because I wanted chummy to have a nice night. L came to the party but I didn't really get chance to talk to him, he was with a boy that I didn't really feel comfortable around. I got to spent the night with the guy from work, we did a lot of jäger bombs and I get extremely drunk. I then went upstairs in tears. I don't know why I was upset, well I do but how could tell chummy why, how could I tell L and explain what's going on in my head. I have no reason to be sad but I found myself crying with him worrying about me. The people I needed proved to be there. I needed my best friends and they were there by my side. I went home.

Sunday |
I woke up feeling so ill. Messages from L seeing if I was okay, when he's worried he's on it with messages. He said he didn't care what it was but he said they were my best friends so they could help or try and understand. That meant more to me than anything else. I spent the day stressing that I'd upset chummy and just watching films. I watch Adams family values, corpse bride and hotel Transylvania. 

I came to a very clear understanding on Sunday that I shouldn't drink. I've said it before but Saturday proved it to me. I don't drink to get a little happy anymore. I drink to get drunk, to forget for a while and it always ends up with me in tears now. I just worry that one day I'll want to forget and the feeling of not being able to feel that stress will turn into a big problem for me. I also think I need to find better easy to deal with what's going on in my head. I know I'll be okay, I've done it before and I'll do it again. It's just this time it's taking longer. 

Chummy I'm sorry if I ruined your birthday. 

Lots of love,
Chloe xxx