Wednesday, 14 September 2016

Insecurities | We All Have Them

Hello lovelies,
Today I wanted to chat abut little insecurities and why I have them. To the people around me they seem silly but there's a lot of reason why I am the way I am.

Friends |
Now to people I know I will admit that I am quite a full on person. I just don't want to become a novelty that wears off. Is that selfish? I'm not sure. I guess when I find people I really love, I hate the thought that one day, well one day I won't be enough and we'll drift apart. I'll just become that person they used to know. Now I will admit that I have very big trust issues with friend's. I put that down to my friend's in school. Looking back they weren't friend's, the minute we left school I was dropped so quickly. I just worry that its going to happen again.

At the minute I have two people in my life who out shine my former friends, why? Well they just show they care. They are genuine and they just make me feel okay with the world. They are peace in my little world and comfort on the bad days. I just guess its getting to me that one day I won't have that closeness with them. They'll move on and get their own lives, its' a part of life and I know it's coming. I'm just enjoying life to much with them at the minute for that to end. I hope it won't end, I want to grow old with them. Be the annoying old people slightly drunk in a pub putting the world to rights. I guess I'm so worried I'll lose them because that's whats happened before. I had people who I cared for but I just became the novelty that wore off.

Like for a while one of my friend's has been really quiet with messages. I know he's busy but then it just makes me wonder if I've done something wrong. I know its stupid but I've just got to learn that even though we don't speak all the time, he's still a very good friend. That won't change, I just need to learn that its okay if we don't speak all the time. When we see each other its like no times passed anyway. 

Weight |
Even though I managed to lose a lot of weight, its always going to be an insecurity of mine. I'm in no way a small person. I'm currently 14stone 10pounds. That's good for me, I haven't been that weight since I was about 13. Yes I was that weight at 13. Now I've got better over the last few months. I've started wearing skirts and dresses, something I never thought I would do. I hate my legs and I never like them on show. I guess I've realised that most people don't care what I look like. My weight will always be something that I'm insecure about, years of bullying takes it's toll and I know realistically that I won't be happy at any weight I am. I'll always think that I should weigh less.

Family |
My family life has never been perfect but its been made perfect by the family I have around me. I have so many memories that are so perfect but someone is in them who now, well now they are a virtual stranger to me. My family is broken now. There's no going back now, I don't want to. I guess I just worry what this will mean for all of us. Already its slowly breaking the family up. Little family occasions that go on without us because of it. I wish that I could have just got past it but with me, well you can have chance after chance but once you push me to far. That's it. Game over. I don't regret the decision I made. I just guess its hard because all my memories involve someone that I don't speak to anymore. If the day ever comes where I have a family of my own, I don't want it to get like that. I don't know how I would stop it though. Its bothering me that my family is still a little broken and it just cant be fixed anymore.

Love |
As positive as I try to be I still worry that I won't find love. I've been so focused that that's what I want that I've pushed myself into situations that have just left me feeling broken more. People who seem so sweet and lovely turn out to be d*ckheads and I'm stressing that its going to always be like that. People keep telling me that it will happen when I least expect it. I just don't have that faith. If it does happen how will I be. I'm a needy person but I know that a boyfriend needs his own space, he needs time for him just to spend with friends. I get that of course I do. I wouldn't want to live in each others pockets but then will I just be left wondering what he's doing. What If I don't find someone, I'll just forever be the person that is just the thirdweel.

Those are just some of the little insecurities that I have. I know to people who know me they seem so silly. I think sometimes they get annoyed but its how my brain works. I can't help stressing about the little things. With me I either love with everything I have or not at all. I love everyone in my life right now and the thought that one day I'm going to lose them, it kills me. They'll always be someone better or something better and I understand that. I just don't want to be left behind. The people I have in my life now have made me such a better person, they've brought out a side to me that has been hidden for so long. I don't want to think about that day that I'm just a stranger to them.

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