Monday, 22 August 2016

Diary Of A Third Wheel | V Festival

Hello lovelies,
Day 1 of V festival. Now I'm going to be doing a little diary of the weekend so it will just be little snippets of the weekend. Now I'm currently sitting in the car on the way there. Already feeling like a little third wheel, it'll be okay though. I'm not to worried. I mean I have just been in the backseat while chummy and her boyfriend plan a day date. I'm just staying quiet. At the minute I don't know, I just feel like I'm just a little tag along. The weekend will be fine, maybe. I mean I've got my kalms tablets so I'm just going to be dosed up on herbal tablets all weekend. I think it's the best thing for me, if I don't then I'll just spend the weekend probably on the verge of a panic attack most of the weekend.

Now I don't think it helps that at the moment there's the possibility that the girl that made me feel like a third wheel is going, she'll no doubt find us to see chummy so I think I'll just be spending a lot of time in my tent. If I'm honest I think I just feel more awkward because I don't really talk that much to one of the people I'm going with. It would be different if L was going, then I would have someone to talk to if I felt like I was getting in the way.

Okay we're now waiting to go into the campsite. Now I struggled a lot getting my stuff to this point. Like chummy's boyfriend took pity and carried the really heavy bag for me. That just made me feel like a complete embarrassment already. I've had about 3 panic attacks just standing here, not that I'd tell chummy that, I'm still just in the way and I already want to go home. Like I'm tempted just to call mum and get her to come and get me. It hasn't even started yet and I'm already wishing I hadn't come.

A little bit later now and it's okay. Like I'm definitely third wheeling but I have no choice. I've had to use the toilet and it was the worst experience of my life. At the moment I'm just sat outside on my own, to be honest I'm not to fussed. I'm already tired of feeling like the third wheel so this is just perfect. The two of them on their own and I can just leave them to it. Another thing that I knew would happen, well it's happened. Already we've had mention of his best friend. The guy that's a complete d*ck. Like I know my limits when I mention it as a joke. It's just got to me already. I knew he'd be mentioned, he's his best friend but it's still so annoying. I didn't want my weekend to be ruined. I didn't want to have to hear about him and I already have. I have a feeling that the weekend is just going to be filled with little stories that involve him that I just don't want to hear.

The third wheeling feeling is really kicking in. When they're on their own they are super chatty. When I'm there it just feels like awkward silence. I'm trying but it's just so hard, I know I'm in the way and they both have a better time without me. I'm here now so unless I get a cab home, well I'm going to have to stay just as the third wheel all weekend. Is it bad that I feel like it? I'm just not into being around couples. Especially couples that are so loved up and committed. I just want L at this point. I want a distraction and I know he would be it, just on hand to talk to and just make me giggle and take my mind off clearly getting in the way.

Okay it's got worse. Just been made to feel like a little memory that I have just means nothing, like one of the people involved didn't even want to be there. Apparently just sitting in a car park and with lots of eye roll emojis. That's just made me feel like that evening that seemed so perfect was just wasted. Like it literally meant nothing. I just want to go home, hopefully I can steal L away for a bit next week to have some time just to talk and just have some time just the two of us. It's actually quite nice. Like he gets it and it's just so good to have someone who understands, just makes me feel a little less alone.

Okay this whole weekend is just going to be me in the way. I know he won't but I'm half tempted to just call L and see if he'd pick me up later, I know mum can't so he's my only option. Note to self. If you know your best friends going somewhere with her boyfriend. DO NOT GO!!!!! To be fair when I was thinking about it he wasn't going, I just didn't want her to be on her own all weekend. I'm now just laying in my tent on my own, not very fun but this is why I just downloaded some films. My weekend is going to consist of me being on my own, occasionally making small talk while wanting to talk to my best friend. This three just can't work. I want it to for chummy's sake but I know my place.

Threes work when it's not a couple. Like me, chummy and L work and time goes by so quickly. This doesn't. I want it to but it just won't. I'm always going to feel like I'm just in the way, why? Because I am and it's clear that I am. I'm just sat there while they're clearly trying to do couple stuff, cute little leg strokes and I'm just in the way. I know I am and I just hate feeling like it. I just rang my mum in tears, she said come home but she can't get here. I can't get the train home because I have so much stuff to take back back with me. I don't even think I'm going to go and see any artists, I don't want to. I want to just keep to myself. This is just a complete waste of money for me. I'm not needed here or wanted.

Okay and it's just getting worse. Getting in the way of cute couple time just really isn't fun. It's just boring me now. I know I'll get moaned at for saying it but it's not fun. Sitting with the cute couple is proving very difficult, I'm serving no purpose here. Just getting in the way. I've already taken about ten kalms tablets and they are really not helping this weekend. I don't know, maybe I'm just being paranoid but I can tell he doesn't want me here. I get it. I'm just the fat friend that's getting in the way, I don't want this situation either but we're stuck in it now.

So I'm sick of this already but I've decided to just plan a nice day out. I'm just going to see if L wants to do something when I get back. No doubt he's working or at the gym, or just won't want to. I just want to be able to have something else to look forward to. I feel like it's going to be the only thing getting me through this weekend. At the minute I'm just hearing giggles from the other tent and I just feel like I need to go home now.

Right, we went to see Annie Mac. I was just starting to actually enjoy myself. We got back to our tents to see that someone had pitched in the space we have for our chairs. There wasn't a lot but now they are right outside. I'm now even more isolated from chummy and I can hardly get into my tent without feeling paranoid. Like I've just had the worst panic attack. Chummy was like it's okay we can just sit round here. It's not okay, who the f*ck does that! Like literally in front of all the entrances to our tents. I've just shut myself off from the both of them. I know it's rude but I've just gone into full panic mode. I've just spent the past 30 minutes balling my eyes out silently, I had about 10 kalms in a row and nothing helped. At this point I just want my mum, I want to be anywhere but here. L said it will be okay but he's not here. He isn't here experiencing this awful/awkward thing with me so can't really say it'll be okay.

Much later now. I got a tiny bit of sleep but woke up really badly needing a wee. Now I tried to hold it as long as I could, I didn't want to but I had to get re-changed and go out all by myself to go and use the hideous toilets. I hated it. I stupidly thought it might not be as busy but it's almost midnight, of course it's busy. Now the toilets were covered in p*ss so my shoes are ruined. I only brought one pair, I was trying to pack light but now I have rancid shoes and they're making me feel sick. Now I managed to get back okay. Like I didn't think I would but I got back in one piece, I didn't want to go on my own but I couldn't wake chummy up because I needed a wee. It's ridiculous, I wait for her to wake up if I stay at her house but I'll go out on my own, surrounded by drunks and people high as kites just to go to the toilet. Anyway I'm going to try and get some sleep, not that I'll be able to because there's some girls next to me now re-doing the tents.

Right it's a lot better today. I had a terrible sleep but at least I'm feeling a lot calmer today. I loved DNCE, James Morrison was great. The crowds overwhelmed me a lot though. Like I knew it would be busy but it all just got to me. I'm now sitting in silence because I've clearly p*ssed off chummy's boyfriend. Let's just say at this point I'm probably just going to go back to the tent early. I don't want to miss Bastille or Justin Bieber. I feel like I'm going to have to though. It's clearly me that's in the way and I'm sick of just feeling like I'm in the way now. I've been messaging L but he's been no help so far. I know he's at work but I just want to talk to someone and I feel like he would actually make me feel a little better about his situation right now. I'm just hoping to he replies later. I'm going to ask him to call me, hopefully he will and I'll have signal. 

This was becoming a decent day but now I've just p*ssed someone else off and I'm just bored now. I'm hoping I can just escape later and sneak away back to my tent. Chummy's saying no because it's to busy, I'm not needed here so I think it's best if I just go back to my tent. Give them some couple time, time away from me because all I am right now is just the annoying friend. I won't be coming again, well not as a three. When I saw three I mean me, chummy and her boyfriend. If L comes then of course I'll go. I'd have someone who I could actually talk to and not feel awkward.

What annoys me most is I spent the whole day looking forward to seeing Troye Sivan and it was ruined. I spent more time worried that I'd p*ssed of someone than actually enjoying the one artist I wanted to see at V. Once again I've let a man ruin something I look forward to. I guess it's rather clear now and I know that something a friend said is now extremely true. I just guess I didn't want it to be so soon. It's going to be though. Threes do not work. They can't. It also doesn't help that I've seen so many people today that look like someone I know. Oh and I also saw someone who looked identical to L. I got so excited and then it hit me that no it wasn't him. He was at home, well probably at work but I just wanted it to be him so much. I needed my friend with me right now, someone to share these little memories and awkward moments with. I'm not really getting that right now. Just observing and I just want to have some fun! Not spend my whole time here knowing that I'm just a spare part not even a part that's going to be needed at any point. The two work fine and I'm just here getting in the way.

I thought this would be a little diary about V. Turns out it's just a diary of a third wheel. How riveting. This is probably the worst experience of my life. Being at something you should love and feeling so out of place is unreal. I'm just left on the end of a three. I know he doesn't want me here. I'm not stupid, I can sense that he doesn't need me hanging around like the annoying fat girl I am. Chummy feels like it's fine, like I'm not the third wheel. I am. I'm sure he doesn't mean to make me feel like it but he does. It's not her in this situation and it's killing me. I can't even enjoy one of my favourite bands because I'm just on my own. They're with me, I'm on the end and they're doing the couple thing of holding hands. I get that. It's cute and all that but how am I supposed to feel. Interrupting a cute moment. I just need to talk to L. I need some sanity over this weekend.

Now I'm missing Sia and Bieber. I desperately wanted to see them but I felt so awkward and on my own at Bastille that I just left, waddled back to my tent and just called my mum and broke down with her. I was having an okay time. Maybe when I'm with chummy and co I just need to be drunk. That sounds bad but then little things like that just go by unnoticed, I don't care if I'm in the way. Anyway I've finally eaten something today. A pringle wrap isn't the healthiest thing to eat but that's all I have. Ohhhh and I spoke to my aunt today. I called to say I've recorded DNCE for my cousin, she wanted to see them but couldn't get tickets. It was so nice to hear her voice, she always knows just how to calm me down.

Okay I'm not going to lie to you, somehow Sunday got deleted. I'm a little gutted so I'm going to try and just quickly remember what happened and go from there. Now Sunday was much better, my favourite act was on. The sun was shining and I just felt a little more included. I woke up and me and chummy had a lovely chummy breakfast all snuggled in my tent. It's bad but I'm so happy I got to steal her away for that. I just needed some chummy time in a very full on couple weekend. Granted breakfast did included a very strong vodka Coke and a Frosties bar, that's just a small point though. Now after that I got to steal her away a little more to do make up and just have the time I needed.

The time between waking up and going to the arena was long. Now we just went in separate tents, the invite was there to go into her tent but j just didn't feel comfortable, instead I finally got my reply from L. I was so happy. I just needed my favourite dudes advice on a certain mater. Granted he was not much use and just told me what I knew. Now I tried calling him but he ignored it, apparently breakfast was a tad more important than me in a meltdown. Now this is going to sound petty but it's a minor thing. We got temporary tattoos, we thought it would be a fun little activity for us to do. Now yes I was invited into her tent but I just wished that she'd just come in mine and we could have done them. Instead I was just on my own doing them, just sat looking at each other from our tents.

Okay so Lukas Graham was phenomenal, I knew he would be good but that was just another level. I adore Lukas Graham and I'm so happy I finally got to see him live. Now as much as I'm not feeling as much of a third wheel, well there are still moments that just make me super uncomfortable. We're sitting under a tree waiting for Tom Odell, the man I have waited years to see. I just sort of wanted to enjoy it the best I could. Now the lead up to that, all I heard was plans for future baby themes. Like its just weird. I'm selfish I'll admit that, but I'm just not ready for that. Like I know one day it will happen but it's just that in that moment we were at a festival. Now I left early for Tom Odell. I told them I wasn't fussed but it sort of killed me a little. Tom Odell is someone that I've waited to see for years, I was gutted I couldn't get tickets for his show and this was an almost perfect setting. I was under a massive tree, I could hear the piano keys and the amazing talent that is Tom Odell. Now looking at the situation again I'm happy we left, I just needed to make sure chummy was okay and thats far more important than music.

Now the evening got a little better, Rhianna was the final act and even though she was 25 minutes later. Well she was worth the wait. There's been a lot of artist this weekend that I've said "oh I'm not that fussed" about, I even said it about Rhianna because I knew her boyfriend wanted to see the Kaiser Chiefs. I'm just so happy I got to go and see her. She was just phenomenal. Now I know exactly why I had a better time. I'd been drinking, as bad as this is......I can only third wheel when I've been drinking. I just feel less in the way. Another artist I was rather happy to see was Travis. The songs have been played all through my childhood and I sort of never knew who sang then until now. It just made me feel like I was at home, with my dad playing their songs on the guitar while I attempted to sing along.

I actually had the best sleep though. I was tired, had a headache and just was in the worst pain. Apparently that just makes for a very good sleep. I guess I've learnt a lot over this weekend. Here's a little rundown of what I've learnt:

Threes don't work if it's a couple plus one.

As much as I say I don't, I still need my mum and dad when I'm upset.

I missed L a lot more than I thought. I guess I just know it would be the perfect weekend to make new memories with one of my favourite people.

My chummy isn't really my chummy, she's someone else's and I have a very hard time sharing her. Especially with someone I know means much more to her. That's weird because I never normally struggle with that. I don't have that issue if I share her time with L. I don't know, I think it's because the dynamics different. I suppose it's when people are just out of the league you're in. Like I can't compete and that's fine. Like I mentioned that one of her birthdays presents had arrived and I was told that he's getting loads. I don't know why he felt the need to tell me that, like its some kind of game. I don't have the luxury of a full time job, that means I can't afford to get my chummy everything I want, if I could afford it id get her the world. Like I would for all the people I love. That's why I'm making her have her presents the day before. I don't really want to go round there to give them to her, I know it won't be a chummy moment and as selfish as that is, I just want that to be between us. Like yes it's just presents but I don't know. Know I just feel like anything I buy won't be good enough, I'm aware it won't be but I'd just rather it be the two of us. Like it was for my birthday when I opened my presents.

Camping is not for me.

Portable toilets are vile.

I don't think there's much time left for how things are right now. Things are moving at such a rapid pace and I just can't keep up. That's why whenever we do stuff I'm like let's see if L wants to do something. I need to get closer with him because I need him in my life, it's hard enough that one day I'll lose my chummy. I don't think I could handle losing him to.

I don't think there's anything else to be honest. I would do it again because at the end I got into it, I loved it. I just can't do it with this dynamic. L won't ever go so that sort of rules me out for it next year. Who knows what's going to happen in the next year and if I felt this awkward now......I already know I can't handle it next year.

Okay the car journey home is rather quiet. I want to talk but I'm just not really sure I should. I feel like this weekend has just been bad for them, like I've put such a downer on the weekend and I honestly feel so bad. I think I just need to leave chummy alone for a while after this. Maybe she just needs time away from me. I get it. I haven't been the easiest person to deal with this weekend. This is the issue, chummy sees a snippet of my day. She doesn't see the morning me just woken up and she doesn't see the moody me when I'm tired or upset. My she she's just learnt a bit to much about me this weekend, maybe she doesn't like it. I mean even I don't like me like this, why would she.

Right after I wrote all this me and chummy have been chatting a lot over text like normal. I am fully aware that maybe I've been to paranoid but this is just how I've been feeling at certain points over the weekend. I want to go next year and even if it is as a three again, I just need to learn to not feel like that or just go off on my own. Now chummy you're clearly reading this. I promise I tried not to feel like it, its just an odd dynamic. You know what I think of him, he's great but you know why its awkward for me. I just hope you can forgive me for putting a little downer on the weekend. I love you lots, even if after Disney everything changes.........just know that you've made me such a happier person so thank you.