Thursday, 16 June 2016

Taking Things To Heart | Taking Back The Blog

Hello lovelies,
As open and honest as I am with all of you, sometimes I feel like I have to bite my tongue with some things. Why? Because maybe what I say is taken in a bad way, as a personal thing when it isn't. Now lately I've missed being able to be completely open and honest, I just feel like when I am, sometimes people just view it as a pity party when you all know its not. You know its just me being me and saying whats on my mind.



This is all stuff I would say to people but I'm always to scared to say it. Online I used to be able to say anything and that was why I loved blogging so much. Now, well now I have an irl person who occasionally reads this.....I'm just sometimes worried that I can't say everything. Not that its about them, of course not but because half of the stuff I talk about is stuff that I say to them and sometimes I just feel like what goes on in my head just isn't as important. like my life is some kind of game and doesn't really matter.

The last few months have been odd for me, I've been waiting for a answer that I already knew but I needed it. I think that's fair enough. I added someone on Facebook who I've missed so much, I'm not doing this in hope that we'll both run off into the sunset and I'll get a happily ever after. Of course not. I'm just loving the fact that I have a connection now to someone who I used to tell everything, someone who gave me the confidence to actually continue with writing even when I wanted to give up. Now if I know people then I will have a nice little stalk of their Facebook, not in a weird way but I like to keep up with whats happening in their lives. I do it with the people I see every single day and those who I hardly ever see.

While other people still view me as some love sick puppy, I'm not. I'm over that but if I thought it would bring back feelings then I wouldn't be looking. Only I know what I feel and if, that's a very big if those feelings ever started to re-surface then I know that I wouldn't want to keep up to date. I would just cut contact like I did the last time. I don't know like it just got to me and I know it wasn't meant in a nasty way, its just like every choice I make lately is being judged everywhere I turn. There's always someone waiting to give me their opinion, I know they're only doing it to be nice but sometimes I just want to be able to say something without feeling like I've done something wrong.

Taking things to heart is something I've always done. I cant help it, its like its in my DNA and I don't think its a bad thing. Yes it does means I'm easily wound up or offended but it rather people know that they annoyed me and for me that means getting a little upset with them. Is that so wrong that I want someone to know that they've annoyed me. I could let everything just go over my head but then that would mean that people would just think its okay, its not. If you've said something that's wound me up then I want you to know. 

Feeling like I'm being viewed as a test subject is also getting to me. Would I say this in person? No. Over the last few months I just feel like my life has been one big game to people and I know thats not what they intended. Its just how its made me feel. Not in a bad way but I feel like maybe I've been pressured into doing things that ended in me just feeling like an embarrassment and now it makes me feel uncomfortable around someone because of the situation. All these little things that I've been doing to try and make my life a little better or to make me a little happier, well lets just say all have resulted in me just feeling so numb.

I don't know I guess I'm just getting very annoyed lately. Normally when I go back to work I've missed everyone, I'm quite happy and I actually have missed the place a bit. This time? Its different. I don't want to be there anymore, maybe its just getting to me but its like I know I'm always going to be stuck on a 16 hour contract, always doing the same thing day in day out. That's not a bad thing but I just want more from my life than this now. I'm sure I'll settle back into work and this will all just be a little blip that I had. 

Now this is me taking back my blog, I'm not going to shy away from saying things because at the end of the day. It was found when I used to say exactly what I thought and its something I should have never stopped. Now chummy that doesnt mean I was every nasty or ayntihgn but sometimes I just feel like if I said some stuff, well you might get a little annoyed if it was about work or anything. Like I tell you everyhitn but maybe sometimes I just feel like I'm annoying you with some stuff, hence why I want to be able to just vent online. I hope thats not to weird.