Thursday, 2 June 2016

I want answers |

Hello lovelies, 
Over the last three days my mind has been buzzing with little theories and there's been one person on my mind. Now I'm not the type of person to let something go. Now that is proving very difficult for me right now.

A few months ago I went with my friend and her boyfriend to meet his best friend, a guy they were trying to set me up with. He was the loveliest guy. Now would I tell my friend what I'm about to tell you, no. Is she going to find out? Well considering  she sometimes read my blog, well there's a very big chance she'll know but the end of this post. 

You all know the first guy, it's been hard but I feel like I've put that to bed now. It's done with. Yes it hurt but I've managed to get past that, there's been guys since who I've liked but no one that I could really see what I saw with the first one. Like one guy was a definite no, why? I know his type and even though he is the sweetest, well I know that would be a no. I liked him but I knew it couldn't have worked. The second guy? Well I adore him but now that's just in a friend way, I know that if we had got into a relationship it wouldn't have worked. He's the nicest guy but he didn't feel the same, I'm kind of glad now. I think I was just looking for a distraction from the first, I think he knew that and he's stuck by by me even after my little confession to him.

This guy, well let's just say I hadn't felt this way for a long time. The moment I met the first I knew there was something special about him, that feeling that I missed so much had come back. I didn't have high hopes for this little meeting, I just didn't want to allow myself to get carried away. Much to the point where I was trying to get out of it. I went so far out of my comfort zone, why? Because when I met him I got that feeling back. The more I talked to him, the more I realised that maybe he could be someone special. 

Now this wasn't helped by being told that this guy liked me, maybe people just got vibes and went with it but being told that just made me get my hopes up a little. Now I'm not bothered if he didn't, I honestly don't care about that. What brothered me is that I never got a reply. I messaged him saying it was nice to meet him and that I had a nice night, he read it but didn't reply. That's what annoyed me. I won't say what was in the message but one of the things needed an answer, he read it and didn't even have the decency to reply. I deleted him because I was upset. Like when I told the guy at work he understood why I did it, like when I explained. Now I regretted that because it made me look bad, I added him back straight away.

Now after adding him back straight away nearly two months ago.....well I heard nothing. Like he clearly saw the request because no one would leave a notification bubble for nearly two month. Monday I got a little notification saying he had accepted my friend request. I want to know why now? What didn't he bother replying? Did he actually like me or did everyone have their wires crossed? I don't care if he didn't, I care that he didn't even bother to reply a simple answer to a message. Everyone has their little theories to this but I just want an answer. I'm not one to let things go, I like a straight answer. Much like when I told L I liked him, I got a straight answer and I was happy with that. Was it the answer I wanted at the time? No but I dealt with it, looking back at it I'm happy with the answer. 

If I could go back to that day then I just wouldn't have gone. I could have saved myself all this stress. I guess because I was led to believe that maybe there was a small chance, just a tiny chance that for once someone like the real me. That someone decent actually was taking an interest. I keep my guards up all the time, I didn't want to waste that feeling with someone that didn't deserve it. I'm just annoyed with myself, with the first guy I felt happy from the moment I met him. I then spent time with him. Now with this guy, I felt that again, like I had those butterflies and I was fed information that made my mind latch onto that. With me you can't give me ideas because my mind runs with them, it's never anyone else that gets hurt in these situations. Only me.  I just need that answer to get on with things, I need to be told no that was nothing. They got their wires crossed. I just need to know because the more I think about, the more my mind goes into what ifs. Even though this situation has been bugging me, I've been able to think about other things. Now? Well I'm just curious as to why he bothered to add me back after all this time. I can't focus on anything, my mind is so focused on getting answers that I'm desperate to just forget. 

Anyway, I'm sure I won't be getting an answer. It's just one of those things. I don't want to be wasting my time thinking about this, there's more important people in my life that I think need a little TLC at the minute, I want to focus my time in them and making them feel better rather than getting swamped with my own problems.

Lots of love,
Chloe xxx