Sunday, 12 June 2016

Drunk chat |

Hello lovelies,
Drunk chat for you today. As I'm typing this I am extremely drunk, now I don't condone this type of behaviour but I feel like it's okay once in a while to let your hair down.

Today, well I found that on the way back from the toilets I found myself having a mini panic attack. On the outside it may have looked like I was fine but on the inside I was breaking down. I didn't know what to do and I was on the verge of crying.

Normally I'm okay and I really enjoy myself. Last night, well I was having a great time but then all of the events of the last week just hit me all at once. I felt very vulnerable. I went to the toilet on my own, I said I wanted to but on the way back I realised just how out of my comfort zone I was. Normally I'm okay because I have chummy's hand to hold, a little reassurance if you will. Today well, I just felt like I was drowning and it scared me to much.

I have a little tell when I'm feeling scared or anxious, I didn't realise until a few months ago but when I did I told chummy. I didn't think she would remember and it's just force of habit. I found myself surrounded by drunk people while holding onto and stroking my necklace. My little wishbone necklace, it's like my lucky charm even though so far it's proved unlucky. Now I was holding onto that because it's the only thing that made me feel safe.

Now unfortunately I feel like I really spoilt chummy's night, she wanted to leave. I feel partially responsible for that and I'm sorry. I don't know what hit me, maybe it was the fact that someone I used to be very close with finally added me on Facebook. It reminded me of who I was and its definitely not the girl in the club. I'm the girl who likes to spent the night writing, spending the night doing something she loves. Lately I've been finding comfort in a bottle of cider rather than something I enjoy. 

I don't know who I am anymore, I've let so many bad experiences over the last few months change me. I miss the old me and I'm worried that she's slowly slipping away. People used to think the old me was boring so I changed, I tired to be someone I'm not. Even though I do enjoy clubbing, that's not me. I have to get drunk to feel comfortable and that's something I should never do. I feel like addiction is something that may pop up in my life and I don't want to go down that path. I've forgot who I am for a bit and I just need to find myself again.

Lots of love,
Drunk Chloe xxx