Friday, 20 May 2016

How Is This My Fault |

Hello lovelies,
I'm writing this on Thursday purely because I'm angry at everyone right now. I will explain in a minute but right now I just feel like all the blame is being put on me, I now feel like I'm being made out to be the problem.

Living in my house is hard, now I'm not going to sit here and say I have it bad. I don't I'm just so done now. Living in a house where your every move is scrutinised is getting to me now. Everything I do is constantly compared and no matter how I try, well my sister will always be the favourite. No matter what she does, what she says or how she acts.....well it will always just be one of those things. She'll never get in trouble for it. In February I cut off contact with her. I'd had enough and since then I've been a million times happier with myself and my confidence has grown so much.

It took me years to realise it but my sister is poisonous, she always has been. I love her yes, but that doesn't mean I'll put up with her anymore. To be honest its more just love because its always been there and I don't know how to get rid of it. As horrible as this is, well each day I feel like that connection with her is slowly fading and its making me feel more sane everyday. In my house I get moaned at if I swear, I respect my parents and don't really swear in front of them. Her on the other hand, well she swears constantly and never gets pulled up on it. She has no job because she quit, she goes out and spends money even though she's in her overdraft. I go out and buy some clothes from primark and I'm treated like I've committed a crime. I go out round chummys to have a few drinks and come home at midnight and they get a little annoyed, she's been out drinking and doing drugs before and everyone just let it happen. 

Now I don't have anything to do with her, her voice is just like background noise now. It goes over my head because I cant speak to her. With me you can get chance after chance but at some point I snap, that doesn't mean that I'll start an argument. With me that simply means that I'll stop trying. I'll cut you out of my life and that's it, I've done it before and I will do it again if I have to. I explained to all my family, they all said they understood. Today it seems like a different story. I don't speak to my sister anymore, yes we live together but I let everything she says go right over my head. It's the only way I can cope with her. Its been like this since February and since then I've been having the most amazing time. I have no one to embarrass any more. Now one judging my every move. My family know how much happier I've been and how much I've come out of my shell. 

My mum and aunt said that I'm just carrying it on, that I'm not helping it and I'm just making things hard. That she's trying and I'm being pathetic. I made the point of why should I bother, I'm happier since I've cut that poison out of my life and she said well your just making it hard for everyone to live here. Apparently this is all my fault, that fact that I wont speak to the thing that's made my life hell for so many years, the person who has always crushed any bit of happiness or confidence I got because of jealousy. When I said that I'm much happier they said well you're making it more difficult for everyone living here. Like my happiness isn't important. All the sh*t she's put us through over the years apparently means nothing, I'm still the one who's in the wrong. I'm the one who gets in trouble for the littlest things when she just gets away with everything.

I'm getting to the point where I'm ready to give up on this family. We just don't work anymore, its clearly me that's the issue and that's fine. I've spent most of my life doing things for myself, no help because I don't like asking because I know it makes me look weak. I'm used to being on my own but I always knew I had my families support. Now, well I don't really think I have them anymore. Every bit of happiness I have in my life, I've worked bloody hard to get. Here are the things that make me so happy right now, my blog, my friends and my job. I worked bloody hard on the blog to make sure it was everything I wanted it to be. I made it all on my own and that's something that fills me with so much happiness. My friends are the people who fill me with so much happiness. They see me for who I am, I don't need to pretend with them. They like me just the way I am. My job, its not the most exciting job in the world but its mine. I make the most out of work and I'm always willing to do extra shifts to be able the get little extra money to save. I'm lucky to work with the most caring bunch, I even found my best friend through this job.

I'm a little lone wolf in this world now and you know what? That's okay. I've got all the happiness I have right now without the help of anyone else, like my best friend said. Sometimes its better to be a lone wolf, no one can disappoint you then. Shes right, I've spent my life trying to live up to other peoples expectations and the people have just dissapoinetd me. I know who's imporatnt to me and I'm going to make sure I hold onto them. I had a little google to find out some of the meanings of lone wolf, one that I found is perfect for me "It means that they used to belong to a group and left to become stronger. A wolf leaves its pack to create a stronger one until he's got more followers he's a Lone wolf". Now my family is my pack but I just need to do it alone now. I'm sick of the constant comparisons and being made to feel like I'm in the wrong. I like to think I've started to create my own little pack. I've found people who I have so much love for who don't care that I'm a little strange, they stick by me and let me be who I want to be. My pack is very small right now but on my little lonesome journey I hope to add more people to the amazing little circle of frineds I have right now.