Thursday, 21 April 2016

Uncomfortable at work |

Hello lovelies, 
I had a plan for todays post but I need to get something off my chest. If you've been reading my what happened last week posts you'll know I've been having a few issues with one of the ladies I work with. Now normally I can handle her. Lately I just feel like she's been aiming it all at me and Shannon. 

Now at work me and Shannon like to have fun, we do all our work but we chat and laugh our way through our shift. I know we are full on sometimes and if someone says so, we always calm it down. But this woman waited until we left to start talking about us saying how we were to happy, to annoying and that we should be separated. Like she's been making little comments all the week that my manager was off and it's just made me angry. I normally let it go but it bothered me that she has an issue with me being happy in quite a sh*t job. I spent the last week in tears most nights about this. I had my resignation letter written out, not even something I told my chummy but I'm still tempted to hand it in. As much as I would moan about work for last few months I've been so happy there.

I get to work with my best friend almost every shift but now it just feels like I'm not even allowed it be happy at work. Like I ended up apologising to this woman. Why? She walks around like she is in charge, she speaks down to everyone, makes us feel small and I didn't want the hassle. She's the type of women to take everything to the managers, she's even taken out a grievance  against our manager. All the stress from this and stuff going on at home meant and I don't want to say this but, it's made me start self harming again. Like I'm trying so hard but I need to keep away from stress right now. That's why I apologised, I had to let it go. I messaged her saying sorry that we've been a bit full on and she replied saying how quite a few people have been saying how we need to calm down. Now I just feel like I can't be myself at work anymore, they all used to say how quiet I was but now I'm happy and comfortable, well this has made me feel like I can the happy at work. I can't be me anymore. 

I'm so full on at work because I can't be the happy person I am at home, my family is so broken and we just can't fix ourselves back together anymore. Going to work and doing my job while having a laugh was what I've been loving. I'm sick of being the person who apologises for being me. I'm tired of pretending that I'm okay when I'm falling apart inside. Like when she said quite a few people said it, it's made me not trust any of them now. Like I love them but when I've asked if we're to much they've all said no, even though they know we'd rather them tell us to our face. I just don't feel like I belong there anymore. I've applied for another job and at this rate I'm hoping I get it. I thought I was happy there but now I just feel really uncomfortable around them.

I don't know anymore, I'm feeling a little lost in life and work just really isn't helping anymore. I'm just having a hard time with the realisation that this is it for me now. Like right not I feel like I'm going to be working part time for the the rest of my life, no friends, no love life and no prospect. I just need some space right now. 

Lots of love,
Chloe xxx