Wednesday, 27 April 2016

Routine |

Hellos lovelies, 
Yesterday's I lot my badge for work. This is the badge I use to swipe in and out of work and it also has my locker key on it. Now to most people this wouldn't stress them out but I spend last night in tears because I couldn't find it. It seems like a silly thing but that happening took me out of my routine.

Now only my family know this about me but I have my little routines that I have to keep. Like it's things like time keeping, knowing where things are and knowing what I'm doing months in advance. Ever since I was little I've had my little ways that I don't like changing. That's why I'm quite an anxious person and the fact that I've lost my badge has stressed me out. Like I told my chummy and I think she was just like oh it's okay, it doesn't matter but to me that's caused me so much stress. My badge comes home with me and goes on my little trinket tray that had a dream catcher print on it. It's not there and it's bothering me, everyday I come home and put it there and now I'm out of my routine.

Time keeping is another thing. I hate being late for things, I'm the person who's rather turn up 10 days early than 10 minutes late for something. At work I'm so scared on being late that I've now got into the habit of swiping in ten minutes early and starting work ten minutes early. I hate it if I'm a few minutes over, even though my shift hasn't technically started. If I think I'm going to be late for something I'll do everything in my power to make sure I'm on time and if I am late, I panic and cry. I don't know why but that's why I have my little routines's my life. I know that if I start work at 4 I'll leave at 3 even though it only takes me half hour to walk, I like knowing that I'll get to work at 3:30, go to my department to double check my shift time (Even though I know it), go to the canteen at 3:35 and have a drink then I'll go to my locker at 3:45 to get ready. I'll be waiting at the swipe machine at 3:49 ready to swipe at 3:50. I know it takes me exactly 27 seconds to get from the swipe machine to my department. It's little things like that that add up with me. I have little routines because I need it.

Having my routines is exactly what I need because it's my little bit of control, that sounds crazy but I can control what happens and I know I can rely on myself because there's a routine in place. That's why I like knowing my shifts a few weeks in advance, not because I can plan things to do around work. It's so that I can work out what time I need to get up for those shifts, what time I need to go to bed to have enough sleep and to see who I'm working with. I know how everyone in my department works. I know that if I have a late with chummy and C I don't get stressy because I know C will do the till because he knows how much it stresses me out, chummy will cook and I'll plate up and take the food out. I know that for 30 minutes I'll be cooking to cover her break, I know that we will get out on time. On the other hand I know that is I'm working with SP and SP I'll get out late. I know I'll be doing the job of three people and I have to mentally prepare myself for the shift. It's silly things but I have to plan so I know if I'm going to be having a good or bad shift.

I probably seem like the really eager friend but me, chummy, L and a few of their friends are going out Saturday. Now I need to plan that. Like I want to know exactly where we're going, what times and things like that. Because it's out of my normal routine for Saturday I need to plan a lot for it even though it's nothing special, I'm looking forward to it but I'm stressing because I need to know exactly what we're all doing. I know I seem crazy but my life seems odd when I don't stick to my routines. It stresses me out a lot and I end up shutting off and then just weeping. The badge thing just made me think about how my life needs to base around routine. It's an odd thing but I don't think people understand it. 

Like I wanted to get tickets for McFly and I'm hoping I do, chummy's boyfriend wants to go and I'm fine with that but I said I wouldn't go because he's not part of my routine. That's sound really odd but let me explain, chummy is part of my routine now. I see her most days and I know what I can expect from her, I know that she know my little looks and knows little things about me that make me feel comfortable. Like I'm used to her so I feel comfortable, it's not that I don't want him going. I what him to go because he loves mcfly just like me and chummy but I didn't want to go because I don't know him and it's like my little routines wouldn't like it, like I don't know what to expect from him and I won't be able to work him out. I had the exact same thing for adele, to be fair though L is such a lovely guy so I dont know why I worried about that. My mind just stressed about things like this. I like to think I know chummy rather well so I understand her little looks, like I don't know that with him so I guess I was reluctant because it's a new person to add to my routine and that stresses me out. I know now that I'll be stressing out about it if we get tickets and then won't stop stressing until it's over. 

My life if built on routine and if I slip out of it it causes me a lot of distress. I can't help it, I've always been the same and I wish I could change. Like only my family know why I have my routines and they have always known not to stop them because they know how stressy I'll get, like my mum will go places with me hours before we should be there so I know I'm on time. If I have to go somewhere I'll do the journey a week before so I know exactly where to go. Like I need order in my life and this is the only thing I can control, that's why losing my badge has stressed me out so much. Now I have to go and tell personnel and I'm worried I'll get in trouble, that's making me so anxious it's unreal but I need to just get on with it now.