Friday, 25 March 2016

Whats been going on | Inside my head

Hello lovelies,
Over the last month or so there's been a lot going on behind the scenes. Being my smile. As much as I tell you all and I tell my friend, well its like over the last month something in my mind just hit a big red button that said self destruct. I feel like its only fair that I keep you in the loop with everything. 


So even though this month has been very exciting, the excitement went hand in hand with a lot of anxiety and panic. This isn't actually anything I've told anyone just because I feel bad constantly telling people my problems when they honestly probably don't want to hear. Anyway seeing Adele for me was the most exciting thing that was happening, id waited years for this day and when it was getting near I found myself getting very anxious.

I'm not sure why if I'm honest with you, I know both the people I went with and I knew that I could be myself around them. I guess because it meant being surrounded by thousands of people, I'm not bad with crowds but the idea of being in a room with thousands of humans scared me a little. I was also really worried that I'd have to sit next to a stranger, luckily Shannon let me sit in the middle and proved once again why she's a very good and lovely person, all very good egg. If you can find yourself a Shannon I would highly recommend you getting one, they're great but I think very limited edition because out of the many people I've know, well its rare to find someone who is so caring and funny.

Its not just Adele that had me getting anxious, theres been so much going on in my head that its been very hard to cope at times. The week before Adele I found myself crying while making toast at work. Everything at home has just taken its toll on me and I bottle up emotion so it comes out in the most random places, for me crying is my weakness. It's the one thing I never like anyone to see because that's when all my guards are down, I become very vulnerable and it scares me that people will feed off that. I'm lucky that in work I'm surrounded by the most caring humans going, there like my little escape for a few hours a week. I don't like them seeing me upset or worried, I'm the person who goes into work to make other people happy but its dawning on me know that, well maybe because I'm always the one who wants to please others, I'm neglecting my own happiness sometimes.

I also had a lot of love stuff floating around my brain. I think I'm finally over that guy which is sad but so nice. I think I was just in love with the idea of him and what we could have been, sounds crazy I know but the guy I know pointed out quite plainly that he's just one guy, there are millions more out there who are better. That surprisingly helped, it didn't help that it came from him because I do have feelings for him, I know nothing will happen with him but its been bugging me that I like him. I always go for the wrong people even if they are right in every single way, to be honest its nice just having him as a friend because he helped me get over the guy that had a massive hold over my life, so thank you for helping me set myself free from that. I also like another guy who seems so sweet but I know that he's not ready for a relationship and I'm clearly not his type.

I've also been very unsure about myself in general, I feel like I'm getting in the way of everyone and their lives. I'm worried that people are only doing things with me to make sure that I don't get annoyed, I want to spend time with people but I just feel like I'm forcing them to be around me. I know I'm not the most exciting person to be around and I get it if they don't want to be around me, I'd rather they just said than feel like they have to. Even if thats not true its like theres someone in my head constantly saying that the people you're with hate you, its silly but I've been the same ever since I was little. Thats why I check with people to see if we're friends, they see it as weird but for a few hours its shuts this little voice in my mind up.

If I'm honest I don't think my whole mental health has been great this month, I feel like even though I show I'm okay on the outside something in head has hit the self destruct button and lots of things I don't want to think about have been popping up. I don't have a goal anymore, all my plans that I had for the future aren't there anymore because my life at the minute seems to be paused and I can get it playing again. I've cried a lot over the last month, at Adele of course because her music is incredible but there have been nights when I will lay there and just silently cry. I need to have that release sometimes. I don't need to have a reason but crying really helps for me, its like any random thought just pours away in the little stream of tears and then I'm okay again. I'm then ready to face the world again with a new smile and laugh for that day.

Am I small minded? A women came back to our department, I was less than pleased but its to late to change it now. I said something about a little task that made me happy, her reply was "Well small thing for a small mind". I was so angry at her, I didn't even know what to say. Am I small minded and is that what I'm showing to other people. I was furious at her.

I'm also full of spite, I don't like this side of me but its part of me. I could use my blog to show all the best sides of me and act perfect, I'm not. We all know it. I've basically shut someone out of my life because I know that's whats best for me, they have shown me time and time again that they cant be trusted. Pathetic apologies don't cut it with me anymore and I guess I can just see through all the bullsh*t stories and lies. I find myself wanting to go out of my way to do things that will annoy them. They don't like the fact that I'm happy so I'm going out and being me, I'm loving it so much. I'm going out a lot more and spending time with someone who I consider to be a best friend (I know I'm not hers but out of the two or three friends I have, well she's the best). This person has been the one holding me back all these years, living in a shadow is never fun but now that I don't care, I'm living my life the way I want and I'm loving it.

I don't know where this post has gone really, I've gone on a little tangent with this. This is basically the behind the scenes of my mind. I know ill be fine, of course I will. I think everything had just got to much for me lately, the pressure of finding a boyfriend, learning to drive, pleasing everyone and trying to do it all when I don't need to. That's sometimes the women I work with tells me "Stop trying to do it all, you're not superwoman. You need to learn to accept some help because we all want to help you". Shes one of the loveliest people on this planet and in an odd way her madness keeps me sane. I know I cant do it all, I've just always had people expect so little of me that I live my life always finding a way to prove that I'm more that what I seem. 

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