Wednesday, 16 March 2016

Relationships | The truth

Hello lovelies,
I think over the last few months I've been quite childish in m approach to love. I've started to put pressure on myself to get into a relationship because I'm so worried that it won't happen. I guess because in my life I have always had the same plan. When everything else changed and my focus was shifted, the plan for me was to always meet a nice guy, fall in love, get married and then eventually have children. I'm only 18 but because it seems like everyone else around me is either in a relationship or has recently got into one, well I feel like I'm not progressing.

I just think that if I don't get into a relationship now then I never will. It seems ridiculous but I do things because I think if I don't I never will, hence the reason why I've been wanting to get into a relationship, I'm just so scared that it will never happen.

I think everyone who knows me just thinks I'm being funny when I say it, they think I'm desperate. I wouldn't say I'm desperate for a boyfriend I would say I'm desperate to start the life Ive planned. Does that make sense? You see I am the type of person that has a lot of love to give, whether to be for family, friends or a boyfriend. If you mean something to me then I will go out of my way to make you happy, I don't care what it is but if I have someone in my life who makes me happy and brings out the best in me....well I will do everything in my power to make sure they feel loved. I suppose I just feel like I'm always that person, I don't have someone who wants to do that for me. I wont lie, I sit and I look at the people around me in relationships and yes I do get jealous. I'm happy for all of them but is it selfish that I just want some of that happiness for me.

I need to stop pressuring myself because the more I do the more I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I'm constantly comparing myself to other women and saying well he likes her over me because of this or that. I know with most men they go for looks and that's fine, we all do but if I like you its because your a nice person not because you look nice. I'm constantly told how pretty my sister is, that's lovely but her as a personality well she may have a pretty face but she has an awful personality to the people she is supposed to love. I'm always going to be second best, I've spent my life with people telling me how pretty she is, knowing that the they say it they're knowing that I'm just the ugly sister.

Over the last few months I started to get over someone I was in love with, I still am a little but its dawning on me now that maybe I was just in love with the idea of him. My friend pointed out that he's just one guy, there's millions more but its hard because my focus for so long was him and when someone is your world its hard to imagine your life without them as the focus. I liked the guy at work but I knew that would never happen, luckily the went and even though I'll always have a soft spot for him that's all it is. I then met someone who made me forget about the guy, he is the sweetest and funniest man but I think its clear that he doesn't want a relationship and I think I am now well and truly in the friend zoned. It just a shame because one again I met someone who made me feel happy about being me, I'm not blaming him that he doesn't like me in a romantic way because I'm not what guys look like. I guess its just frustrating because I could tell him, I would but do I risk losing a friend in hope that maybe in some weird way he wants a relationship with me.

I'm sick of my heart playing tricks on me and letting me develop feelings for people who just wont ever feel the same. As much as I want my plans to one day be a reality, I need to stop forcing the issue. I can only hope that someone sees me for who I am, what I love and finds that attractive. I wont sit her and say I don't want a boyfriend, I do but not for the reasons people think. I think most people think I was a boyfriend for sex. I don't and I couldn't care less about that that, I just want to have that feeling of loving someone and having someone love me for who I am. Someone to cuddle me when I feel sad, someone to have movie days when, go on little adventure's with. Someone who makes me feel safe when I feel like my world is tumbling down. One day it might happen and my plans will be put into action, one day I'll find him. He's out there somewhere but I need to stop looking and just let it happen naturally.