Thursday, 3 March 2016

Let's talk |

Hello lovelies,
This week I feel like I've lost all motivation and inspiration to write. I'm not sure why but there's just been so much on my mind and I feel like I need to keep you all in the loop with whats going on. Well I'm just going to break this down into little sections and I'll explain more then.

Work |
I love my job, its pretty easy and I get to work with some lovely people but lately I just feel like I want to do more. I want to do more hours because I just don't feel like I'm working enough. That may sound silly but I just want to be earning more, I know money shouldn't be important but I want to start saving and maybe at some point move out.

Love |
My love life seems to still be going no where. I know the guy that I want to be with but theres a few problems in that department. One I don't think he's into me and for a relationship to work he sort of needs to like me. Two, well I think he sees me more as a friend. Yes I'm being friend zoned and it sucks. Three, if I tell him I like him it will just make it awkward. I guess its annoying because yes since the guy I was/am still in love with...he's the first person I've looked at in the way I first looked at mystery guy.  I have liked guys of course I have but I think its just different because of the person he is. Its fine though, I know nothings going to happen between us but I guess and this sounds so pathetic. My friend is so happy with her boyfriend, like the happiest I've seen her in months and I guess I want that. I want one good thing in my life that just makes everything seem okay.

Friends |
My lovely work friends have been my sanity over the last few months, but I'm scared of losing them. I know that if they'll leave then I wont see them again. I've had various conversations with a few people but I know that I'm the work friend, not the actual friend. Its like at my last job, we all said we'd keep in touch. I shared so much with one of the girls there and now she's out there somewhere with all my secrets, I've shared to much with some people and it just scares me that one day they're not going to be a part of my life.

Family |
My home life is the one thing that I just cant escape. I know there are people out there with terrible things going on at home and I feel bad moaning but its just getting worse. My sisters getting more aggressive and I'm really worried that soon she's going to hit one of us, I'm genuinely scared and I don't know what to do. I don't have anywhere I can go when she's like this and I'm scared to be in my own home. She said that she wont leave even after uni, so basically I'm stuck here with her and I'm scared. I didn't think I would ever be scared of a family member but I am and I have no escape from her. 

Social life |
Luckily my lovely friend invited me out on Saturday so I went along clubbing with her and a few of her friends. It sounds silly but I loved it, maybe just because I could be me and I could just let go of all the stress just for a night. I want to go out more but I feel like I'm just tagging along and I feel bad about that. I mean the guy I work with said that he'd be up for going out at some point so I think we need to arrange another work night maybe clubbing. Sunday fun days will be great with all of us hungover.

Adele |
I'm so excited to go and see Adele but I'm stressing about it. Just because I know I'm going to spend the night in tears thinking about my first love with the guy I currently like. Its just awkward and as much as I'm looking forward to it I just want it now. Just to get it out of the way.

Weight |
It seems like my weight loss has stopped. I'm still trying really hard but its like the weights not going anywhere at the minute. I know it happens but its just frustrating because at the minute I just feel really bad about the way I look. I feel like while everyone else around me looks gorgeous, I'm just here still looking as ugly as ever. One of the downsides of working with really pretty girls is that you tend to realise just how bad you look.

Blogging |
My blog is such a big part of who I am now. Everything I do I share with all of you but its just draining at the minute. I know that will sound bad but I post Monday to Friday and I know other people do more and the quality is much better, its just feels like I'm putting so much pressure on myself. I don't like not blogging, I like bloggers to be regular because then I know when to check their blogs. I don't want to now stop uploading posts during the week. I'm still going to do it but I think I just need to get a hell of a lot more organised. This is still my little secret that only one person knows about. Granted she wouldn't have known but its nice because if I don't want to talk about something, she will know about it and I love that. 

I just really wish I could share it with people I know. People at work think I just sit at home all day watching Disney films. That's far from true, I spend most of the day writing or exercising, and then I have my baking day where I need to take photos and edit them. No one thinks I can do anything apart from cleaning other peoples cups and plates at work and being lazy. It just annoys me because there is far more to me than I reveal to people. If I told them I had been uploading blog posts for the last two years they wouldn't believe me. No one thinks I can do anything, all I am at work is the girl who occasionally brings in cupcakes. When I don't they joke about it saying I don't do anything so I should have had time to bake, last week I week stuck in bed with period pains which were so bad that I couldn't move, other times I'm at home writing for my blog or my book and I cant tell them that. They just won't understand ......I just feel like this is the one thing in my life that's going well at the minute. I can say whatever I want on here because this is my safety net. 

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