Thursday, 11 February 2016

Valentines day | Acceptance

Hello lovelies,
I had a massive post written out and scheduled for this but I've ditched that and re-written it. I was feeling really sad about valentines day and I don't really know why. When I went out on Monday I went somewhere that maybe gave me closure on the little love situation I had going on. It didn't. I've told my friend that I think I'm almost over him....I'm not. I still have a little cry ever night for someone who could have been my everything. I just can't let go because he was my one source of happiness and I haven't been able to replace it ever since. I am now queen of the fake smile and laugh, if people could actually see what how I am when I'm alone then they would know I'm not okay and I'm far from happy.

There was a guy at work that I had a bit of a thing for and even though he fits the ideal man that little crush has gone. I was told something the other day which just made me go, okay well that sort of made this little crush go away. It was nice while it lasted because it was a welcome distraction but I think I'm over that now.

The ideal man list has also gone. I had so many things on that list and it was silly because currently there are no men who even like me, let alone want to date me. I can't really afford to be picky and maybe my ideal man is going to be someone I didn't expect. Someone who goes off list, who knows maybe I'll end up with a guy who's the complete opposite from my ideal. I'm okay with that though.

My confidence around men is getting better. I met my friends guy friend on Monday and not gonna lie, I think he's good looking and he is actually really nice and funny like I really like his personality but no that doesn't mean I fancy him. I can just appreciate a good looking guy. I was actually okay with being myself around him which means my confidence is growing a lot. I'm normally very shy around guys at first but on Monday I was fine. So maybe I'm just getting more confident around me.

There's a guy I know from school who I found out recently isn't actually seeing anyone. He is the sweetest guy I know and the other day at work he saw me and actually started talking to me. Like I didn't have to corner him and force him to speak to me, he did off his own back and we actually had a pretty decent conversation. Am I his type? Of course I'm not but I just feel like I'm growing in confidence around guys and its nice, just because I'm learning to be me more around them.

Me, well I'm feeling great right now. Over the weekend I've had the pleasure of chatting to two guys who I find very attractive and who are really nice, will anything happen with any of them? Clearly not but I just feel like I can be me around guys without worrying now. I can be the quirky person I am with the weird/inappropriate sexual humour that makes me, me.

After this week I've come to realise something. The whole idea of dating is always going to be a mystery to me. I know what I am, who I am and that's okay but this issue is no matter how many people tell me that I'll find someone, I know I won't. I'm not pretty enough or slim enough to be someones girlfriend and I know they all know that but just don't have the heart to tell me. Men only look at women to know if they want to be with them and for me that means I won't find anyone. The one man who actually looked past that and just say me, well he's gone and as much as I'd started to get over him. I'm back to square one because even though nothing will ever happen....hes the only man that has ever seen me and not what I look like. 

As much as I love everyone I work with its so frustrating because they are all so pretty, they have husbands or boyfriends but then there's me. Listening to them tell me about their dates or how their husbands took them out somewhere. I just sit there and nod along knowing that I'm never going to have that and its solely based on the fact that I'm just an ugly fat girl. That doesn't mean I dont want to hear what they're saying, of course I do. I love it when other people are happy thats why I put everyone else happiness before my own. I'm not okay being by myself because one day I want to have my own little family and I need a guy to make that happen. I want to have someone who's there when I need them most, someone to have movie days with, someone who wants to spend time with me because they can, not because they have to.

So this valentines day I'm just going to spend it tucked up in bed, I'm not going to face the world at all because if I do then I think I might cry. I want to spend the say watching horror films and maybe doctor who. I also want to sit and eat and eat and eat but I can't. I'm still attempting to diet which seems silly, I'm trying to change my weight so maybe someone will like me. How sad is that? I'm trying to change the person I am to fit someone else's idea of beauty.

Lots of love,
Chloe xxx