Thursday, 25 February 2016

Self-harm |

Hello lovelies,
This is a post that I never thought I would write, let alone publish. You all know that I share every little aspect of my life on here, with all of you because this is like my own little world. Self harm is something that I didn't want to bring up on my blog, partly because I feel like some view it as an attention seeking thing when I know that its far from that. I guess I just didn't want to be judged about something that I have been through. That's still an on going battle on the hard days. 



This is something that I haven't told anyone about, not my family or my friends. Why am I writing this now? I'm ready to talk about it and just explain why. I'm not writing this as a poor me post, I'm writing this because I know there are a lot of people going to though the same thing and reading other peoples stories helped me.

So I don't really know where to start with this. I guess I should probably explain what state I was in mentally. It was about 2 years ago, before I started my blog. I was in a very dark place in my life. I just felt numb to everything. I had no job, no friends and my sister was making my life a living hell. I'm not one for telling my family that I'm not okay. That everything was just in my head and my thoughts were just getting darker and darker by the day. My family still to this day don't know that I used to self harm. I think my aunt has her suspicions. At the time she mentioned to my mum that something wasn't right with me, I wasn't laughing a lot, I wasn't happy and I just wasn't me. My mum said I was fine but its like she knew, she always knows when I'm like that because I think she can always see when I'm just not me.

I'm not going to say what I used to hurt myself with, I don't think that's appropriate because I don't want to give people ideas. If you're having thoughts like that then please, please just speak to someone. It doesn't have to be your family or friends, you can speak to your doctor, a therapist or even the Samaritans. I know that there's a lot of people out there who've been through or are going through self harm. So if you need to speak to anyone then I'm always here, just message me on twitter  and we chat privately. Don't feel like you're alone because it doesn't help.

I guess the reason why I started to cut myself was because I was in so much pain mentally, I didn't know how to process all the dark thoughts I had so I took the mental pain and turned into into a physical pain. That might not make sense to you but it was my coping mechanism because I would rather have a scar on my body than the dark thoughts in my mind. The pain that I felt was a relief, it felt like a weight had been lifted. The pain I felt was actually physical and I could see it and for a few minutes the pain in my mind just went. I knew I had to stop and find a different way to cope with my thoughts the day I actually questioned my life, I had suicidal thoughts and at that point I knew I needed help. I didn't speak to anyone though, instead I stared reading more blogs and then I started writing all my thoughts down. Writing very dark thoughts out made it so much easier for me. That's when I started professional daydreamer, this is more than just a blog for me and I don't think many understand that this is a hobby, this is my coping mechanism. This was started when I felt so much pain mentally and this was the only thing stopping me from cutting myself and leaving scars all over my legs, arms and stomach. 

I'm not going to lie to you and say that I'm fine, I'm not. I still have times where I get really dark thoughts and I could cut myself again but I don't. It takes all the mental strength I have not to do it. Instead I come online and I just write, I write out everything little dark thought that's in my mind. Then I read it over and over again. I pick it apart and make myself see that what I thought was so small, and then I think abut everything good in my life. Lately its been harder but I haven't self harmed in about a year and half, even when I started my blog I still couldn't cope and still self harmed but I stopped because I knew that one day it would probably be a cut to far. I don't ever publish my thoughts like that. I write them and then delete them but it helps to just write everything out. 

Its so hard because if I hadn't started this blog I don't know what I would have done, I don't know how many more scars I would have made and most worrying is I don't know if I would still be here. I have so many amazing things happening in my life right now, so many amazing people have come into my life over the last 10 months. I found love, I lost love but I dealt with that in the best way possible. I'm getting braver and doing things I never thought I would do and I'm going to be saying things I never thought I would tell anyone because I would have been scared of the rejection. I just don't really care now, its better to just say whats on your mind rather than living always wondering. I got through it. It was hard and I still have my scars. They're a part of me, but they are also a reminder that that was the lowest point I've ever been. Its a reminded that things get better, life gets better and that I can cope with pretty much anything. 


NHS Links |
Samaritans – call 116 123 (open 24 hours a day), email: jo@samaritans.org
Mind – call 0300 123 3393 or text 86463 (9am-6pm on weekdays) 
YoungMinds Parents Helpline – call 0808 802 5544 (9.30-4pm on weekdays)