Tuesday, 23 February 2016

Giving up on people |

Hello lovelies,
This is a post that I didn't think I would find myself writing. Giving up on someone is so difficult. It easier to say that you're giving up on someone but its so much harder to actually do. I've tried countless time to be the better person and to just forgive and forget but I'm tired of it now. 

You all know the type of relationship I have with my sister, its rocky to say the least. When we were younger we got on really well. She was like my best friend and was with me in almost everything I did. That's all changed, she's changed and no one but our family see it. The most difficult part about is that at work people say how lovely she is. How funny. They don't know her like we do, they don't see the anger in her eyes when she doesn't get her own way. They don't hear what she calls us on a daily basis. They don't know that a few months ago my sister got angry and waved a knife at my dad in anger. Do you know how hard it is to constantly hear from people how lovely someone is when you know the truth.

What's changed from the last time. She's got worse. I don't care that she goes out drinking, of course she will. That's what all people her age do, that what all people my age do. It turns out that a few months ago she took cocaine. Not three weeks ago she took ecstasy. I never thought she would be so stupid. This is just a game to her. She doesn't see whats wrong with it and I don't trust her. What's worse is that when she did ecstasy she text me in the morning saying to cover for her at work. To say that she had food poisoning, I didn't know at the time that that's what she'd done. Of course she wasn't ill, she couldn't go into work because she was high. If there's one thing I cant stand, its liars. 

I just cant do it anymore. I will always love her, of course I will. Shes my big sister. I'm just giving up on her. I don't want anything to do with her anymore, I don't want to see her, speak to her or live with her. It's now basically she goes or I go. What's sadder is that my parents forgive her again and again and she never has to face the consequences of her actions. My aunts said if I want I can go and live with her for a bit. I'm actually considering it. Where she's concerned now I just feel numb. She's not the person I grew up with and that scares me.

I have to give up because when I argue with her I sink to her level. I become as bad as she can be with my attitude towards her. I don't want to be like that but she infuriates me. I'm sick of sinking to her level, so I'm done. Whats annoying is that unlike other people I don't have somewhere to escape when she gets bad. Some people can go to their best friends or they boyfriends. I don't have that. Its just me stuck in this house with her, my parents have been away over the weekend so that meant I've locked myself in my room because I cant be around her. I didn't eat anything on Saturday or Monday because she was in the kitchen all day. That's the level that I cant be around her, I love my food but even the thought of being near her made me hide away for the weekend. On Sunday I got my friend to tell me if my sister was in the canteen at work because I didn't want to see her in there. No one at work knows what she's like so I look like the bitch that won't speak to her.

If my sister ever see's this please know that I tried. My god I tried with you, you don't understand how miserable you managed to make me. How much you made me hate myself. How many times I hurt myself because of you, they're scars that won't ever fade and are unfortunately a constant reminder of how you made me feel. I never wanted things to get this way. Its not that I don't love you, its that you've pushed me to the point of no return. I never wanted things to get this way but here we are. I cant stand it when people talk about you like your something wonderful, only a handful of people will ever know the truth. No one can say I gave up easily with you but you had to keep pushing. 

I find it so weird how my friend has such a good relationship with her brothers, Ive never had that with my siblings. I don't know anymore but as much as I sound cruel when I say what you're like at work, they wont ever believe me. They still view you as this lovely young women who's caring and polite, all I can do now is just block that out when they say it. I'm just glad that you let your true colours show to our aunt and uncle, they used to think we exaggerated how bad you could be but when they got alive show of it, well that was the day me, mum and dad finally relaxed because you made us feel like it was us that was the problem.

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