Monday, 8 February 2016

A little about my past |

Hello lovelies,
Today I wanted to share with you something about me that maybe you all need to know. Now I just want to point out before I go into all this that I've never told you this more out of fear because people tend to not understand. Also because I know my friend will probably read this on her nightly stalk of my twitter, I'm sorry that I didn't tell you. Its not something I am now but it was a part of my life at one time and it still is as my family are involved in it. I would rather no one knew about this at work, I mean my sisters already told her best friend who works in our department but its not relevant because that's not the person I am, if that makes sense. I making this sound really weird but lets just get into the post. 

When I was little I didn't celebrate Christmas, birthdays, Easter or Halloween. My family didn't celebrate these occasions for religious reasons and they still don't. Me and my sister on the other hand, well we love it and there's more about that later in the post. When I was younger it didn't really bother me because that's all I knew. Now when you tell people when your five that you don't celebrate Christmas they just assume you get nothing. That was never the case. My aunt and my mum knew it was important for us to still get presents so they decided on two  "Present days", one in the summer and one in November. We would loads of stuff and they are still my favourite times of the year because even though I'm don't practice their religion, its time with my family that I love so much. 

It's the time I feel like I belong, I have every single person in one room that I would do anything for. Seeing the excitement on my little cousins face when she unwraps a frozen doll and seeing how happy my cousin is when he gets more X-box games, its just so beautiful seeing the happiness on their faces.

Why I'm not in that religion. Well I joke with my sister that me and the other kids around my age who grew up in it, we're like the lost children because we all just drifted away for a lot of different reasons. For me when I got to the age of about 10 I understood things a lot more and the idea of religion just confused me. I tried to understand it but even though I know there’s a god, I just don't buy into the whole idea of a religion. I look at my cousins now and they are so devoted to it and that makes me really happy because they have that faith and I love that, I'm really proud of them because I know how much happiness it brings them. I also know they prejudice that they have to deal with at school and I'm so proud that they overcome that every single day because their faith is so strong.

The one thing that bothers me is that sometimes I feel like I'm being judged because I chose to say no to it and just don't believe in it all. That's why its very hard living in this house, me and my sister are grown ups and its like no matter what we do is always being judged. I hate that I still hold back from doing things because I know I'll probably be moaned at for it.

For me when I got the age of like 11 I knew it wasn't for me. That sounds really terrible but I didn't want to lie to myself, my mum and dad accepted that but we agreed that I would keep on attending meetings until I was 16 because then I could make my own decisions. I think a part of them wished that I would have some epiphany and because really religious, that didn't happen and I felt bad when I explained this to them. I know that they must have been disappointed with me but I know that my sister had already been there and done it. I think that's why me and my sister do have a close relationship, we might not show it some times but in my house two people celebrate Christmas and birthdays and two people don't. It does make it hard. We don't have a tree at Christmas which is fine because we respect that its my parents house, however me and my sister will get each other Christmas presents and we do act like little kids on Christmas day. 

Know if you're still reading, Shannon in particular I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't say anything because I'm not in that religion and I haven't been really since I was about 11. But from the age of 16 that's when I said no this isn't for me. I know I do my blogmas posts and chat about Christmas but that's because I celebrate it. I just didn't tell anyone because I know that you would have all seen me differently. I know this will probably ruin our little friendship but its part of me because it’s a part of my family and it’s the only thing that I’ve kept from you and this blog. 

At work when they say oh did you have a nice Christmas? What did you get? I always say I did, yeah my mum and dad don't do Christmas but me and my sister do. I still get loads of stuff but just a little bit earlier. I also got really excited to put up the tree at work because it was the first time I'd done it and I felt bad that when they were chatting about their Christmas trees I joined in. I know I shouldn't be posting this because people see this religion as really weird and really annoying but its part of my history and even though I am definitely not religious now its part of what I was growing up. I mean Shannon you know as well as I do that I am definitely not religious, I've got to much of a dirty mind for that and if there is a hell I'm going straight there but yep, that's me. That's what I've kept from the blog for nearly two years.

I know that because of this post I'll probably loose followers and I'm okay with that. This is just a something that I felt I needed to let you all know because even though I'm not know, its part of my past that I think you all deserve to know. People see it as a really weird religion but they also view it as a cult. In no way is it a cult; it’s a religion much like Christianity. I think because all people see is the people who go round knocking on people’s doors they make assumptions. It’s hard for me when I hear people moaning about it because my family does that. Is that odd? I don’t know but I know that if my friend reads this then she might be annoyed as to why I didn't mention anything, this wasn't a lie because I do celebrate Christmas and birthdays and everything else. It’s just me and my sister come from a family that don’t. This also might help make sense of the reason why my parents don’t like boys in bedrooms.

I guess if I hadn't have found out certain things then maybe I'd still be in that religion. I didn't find out anything about the religion that I didn't like, more like something a person in my life had done that made me see that no matter how much faith you have in a god, he won't protect you from an abusive person nor will that person ever be punished for it. How can I believe in something that doesn’t help? That’s only my opinion but I gave up all hope in religion when I found all this out. Bad things happen but there’s no stop to it. No god stopped my Nan from dying, no god has stopped all the pain people suffer and I guess I need to see results before I can believe in something.

I know if my parents read this they would probably be annoyed but this is just something that I felt I needed to share with you all. In a way I wish I still had a belief in any religion because I wonder would it make me happier but right now in life, I'm the happiest I've ever been. I know what I'm doing in my life is right, I'm not following a specific set of rules to live my life by but I'm not doing anything wrong either.

To my mum and dad |
Im sorry that we didn't end up the way you wanted. I know people make it seem like its wrong if your kids don’t stay in this religion and I know you say to my aunt that you feel like you've failed us. In no way have you failed us. Me and my sister are two of the strongest women because you've taught us so much. Just because we don’t do what you do, it doesn't mean we don’t care. I just hope we do you proud even though we both took a path different to yours and your families. 

Well there’s it is. That’s me. Well its not me because I'm the most un religious person there is. This is just what I was when I little and though many of you won't understand and think its odd, I don’t want any rude comments. I don’t care but if my family saw them then it would be really unfair. Like I said these are just my reasons why I decided religion wasn't for me, I respect all faiths no matter what you believe.

I think I need to go offline for a while because this was really stressful for me to post. I’m worried that this will change what someone thinks of me and that’s fine but I just need time to let this be on my blog.

Lots of love,

Chloe xxx